Fire, Chills, And The End of The World

This post is part of my “The Third Coming of Christ” series. Previous post here.

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“I mean, man, could you imagine a world where nobody actually owned their house? And like if you wanted to move somewhere, you just packed up your stuff and put a sign outside that said it was vacant and left, you went to another city and you looked for a house that was vacant, took down the sign, and moved in. I mean, to me that's just the kind of community I wanna live in, man.” I say to my friend as we stand in the backyard on a cool night in the fall of 2013.

We have been talking for like 20 minutes now and I feel like I really have him on board with this Christ-aligned utopia vision of mine. It really seems like the only way society can pick up the pieces after the inevitable disaster comes. Will it be war with North Korea or a solar flare? I’m ready either way.

“Yeah, that sounds true.” He replies unconvincingly.

“Well then let's make the commitment to make that a reality man, to bring heaven on earth!” I say with the enthusiasm and excitement of a child who just discovered a new passion.

“Wherever two or more are gathere–”1 BANG! A car backfires out on the street interrupting his almost automatic response and I immediately start experiencing what feels like fire all through my body. 

I feel this kind of electricity sizzling up and down my arms and legs and to the top of my head. This unbelievably powerful energy is soaring through my skin and muscles and every part of me - all in this very instant that we are talking about a vision of the future, God’s future.

He said the words - Jesus’ words - marking his presence in that moment.

“I need to go to the bathroom, I’ll be right back.” I say, even though I don’t and I won’t. I’m feeling almost dizzy and the sensations in my body are too much to continue standing here. I go inside, plop on the couch and close my eyes to contemplate the meaning of all this.

The idea, the words of God, the car backfire, my body - it was all too perfect to be a coincidence. Does my friend know? Is he experiencing something similar to me right now? It did seem like he was hinting he’s part of the plan the other day, he must be one of the disciples. The time is fast approaching.

“The Weekend” is fast approaching, just a few weeks away now. Too many signs point to that weekend, it must be when the end comes, when God reveals himself. This is too real, too many signs have led me to this point. The Ericks, the angels singing, it’s all adding up.

How long have I been laying here? I better go back to the party and try to act normal before they ask me what’s up…

I was at this point only a month or so from ending up in the hospital. I was so certain that this experience meant something incredibly important. This moment was one of the signs, one of the major turning points in the progress of my first psychotic episode. I felt this presence, this supposed external force, and it came at this exact meaningful moment where I was having a conversation about something immensely powerful to me.

This dream of a utopian future combined with those words - which by their nature are meant to invoke the presence of Jesus or God - played right into my delusional line of thinking. The sound of the car backfiring sealed the moment, it was that sense of an external third party that aligned seemingly perfectly with my friend and I’s discussion that triggered the physical sensations.

His words provided for me a real sense of divinity in that moment, and his own personal conviction and commitment to the cause gave me confidence in my line of thinking. Though I am sure now that he was most probably placating me and not all that interested in participating in a social revolution seeded by the destruction of capitalism, as nice as it may sound from time to time.

After that night, my experiences - my delusions and hallucinations - rose to the next level. I started having these shivers and chills, like goosebumps up my back and neck and occasionally on my arms. This went on for weeks. It seemed so clear to me that it was that same energy still somehow alive in me, pushing out, and so I started listening to it.

The chills seemed to be associated with my thoughts and to what was going on around me. When I felt the chills, they came with a sensation somewhat like nervousness. I would hesitate or change my mind. I would take it as a sign to make more consideration of a particular situation.2 It was this pure, visceral sense of “resistance” and so usually I took it to mean I needed to resist what I was doing or thinking in that moment. Though sometimes I took the opposite meaning, I felt it was telling me I was resisting something I needed to do.

This started out somewhat infrequent though over the course of the next few weeks it grew and grew until it was an almost constant companion. I was letting these chills drive my decisions throughout the day and it led me down this path of obsession and determination to understand God’s plan for the end of the world and the forthcoming return of Christ (me) and the start of heaven on earth.

Although I certainly was caught up in a lot of fantastical thinking at this time, I mostly maintained a metaphorical interpretation of the bible and its prophecies, believing that God’s presence and plan could be found in some sense in all religions and throughout human history. At work I should have been studying our software and preparing demos but instead the chills convinced me to spend all my time pouring over ancient texts and histories of the world, its cultures, and religions.

I was also reading the book of Revelations on repeat. Going back and forth from comparing this or that verse with this or that event in history. Building this overly complex metaphorical interpretation of the sequence of major events in history with their counterpart events outlined in the apocalypse described by John. It was at this time that I was really refining my metaphor of the progress of humanity and its relation to the creation/destruction myths at the heart of so many religions.

Convinced Revelations was about present times, I remember one Sunday after church hypothesizing to my pastor that the locusts referenced in John’s visions3 might have been his way of describing helicopters and that some reference to feet sounded like polished dress shoes.4 I was very lost and yet still surprisingly nobody seemed to notice. I have always been - I guess - slightly strange, throw in US social customs and Christian dogma and it’s clear those closest to me were prevented from really confronting this line of thinking.

Everything pointed to a weekend that was quickly approaching. On that weekend several events in my life lined up including a trip to the mountains with my closest friends. I had no doubt this trip to the mountains was to get us up and away from the city before the destruction came and the world entered into chaos. There we would receive a message from God and know how to proceed with bringing about his new future.

Thank you so much for reading. Please leave a comment or send me a message if you want to know more or share your experiences or perspective. All criticism is welcome and inquiry encouraged.