Loving God Through Both Work and Rest Together

Yesterday and this whole week has been quite a wild one for my family. We have had some extended family issues that have truly “taken the cake” as we say, and as a result, Jane Austen for my girls and I, at least, has become front and center, a necessity of reason, calmness, and peace in a world of chaos and wild vice around us, certain to tip toward us toxically here and there as we truly try carefully to love well. Thus, in addition to my nightly reading of these winsome Victorian characters after Bible reading, weekend time with Jane became rather essential in between other aspects of chores and activity.

Thus, while my son was out yesterday, we ladies watched (rather binged) several of the well done “The Other Bennett Sister” episodes, and though the screenwriter takes liberties my girls and I didn’t approve of, we comforted ourselves with that fact that none of them were to be taken too seriously, which to me was reminiscent of The Chosen liberties taken, minus the religious ramifications, of which make me feel somewhat uncomfortable and squirmy with the latter, even though I love the messaging, ofc.

This morning Wes and I were talking about how, as I said, “you are a good dad, you watched Jane with us,” we both laughed as we realized that was not super naturaly for him, but yes, over the years, he really does enjoy this kind of time. We recounted the minute my son came home after viewing a baseball game with a friend last night, he, first politely let the girls tell him about our show, for he knows all the characters and has patiently endured racous laughter about Mr. Collins and even learned a thing or two along the way, that he then then secondly but very decidedly, said, “I love that for you girls” before he moved away from the television while one of the girls turned it back on.

Aside: Jack is a very patient boy, but a Jane Austen knock-off is absolutely intolerable. Wes laughed and said, “It was indeed difficult even for me as a dad, there was very little movement on the screen,” and I smiled because just before that, he’d had his best Florida friend over with his boys for a screening of “Saving Private Ryan”, obviously a well-known action movie his friend wanted to bucket-list watch with his boys, although for Wes, that too is a bit extreme on the other side. (As they watched, my girls and I were huddled in my bed with our show after Pure Barre, and we were bracing our own nervous systems because of the crazy loud soundbar).

Why detail all of this? To say that what we go to when we have stress in our lives differs, and necessarily so.

It’s not all gender based, of course, since I love a meaningful horror movie at times, or a good war epic, and as you heard, Wes can typically enjoy at least some Jane Austen - you too know your own extrapolations from any trends.

But that our needs DO differ is meaningful to you and your family as you grow together, for we are not all cookie cutters, and each of our nervous systems matter as to how we process stress.

It’s been on my mind a lot lately, not just for my family, but my clients, and our world as well, especially those in the world of faith, who can turn SOOO many people off to faith because they pretend they don’t even have a nervous system, or that the whole family or both partners in a marriage should not have any differentiation, or need different things.

There is also an outgrouping sometimes of people who don’t lose themselves in a Martha-like way, serving every minute, yet for those who are in the Martha mode 24/7 (for those who don’t know the story, I reference Martha of Luke 10:38-42 burning herself out on service and being chided by Jesus for it), there is a deep resentment that grows in them because they’re not trusting God lets them rest, too, and even they eventually burn out. Everyone loses on this system. We are teaching people only one side of theology - group based works based on a few louder individuals who have an idea for how God works, but have distorted it greatly.

As I read today on an Instagram post about the famous theologian and ascetic, Tozer, who called us to suffering, there’s a sense of calling us Christians wearing the heavy yoke of Jesus on purpose, even though He teaches us His yoke is easy and burden light (Mt 11:28). Yet staying away from all GOOD pleasures and joys of life will lead to a life of burnout and addiction in other ways.

For instance, on our walk this morning, I also talked with my husband about a new Christianity Today article about MK kids (missionary kids), The Missionary Kids are Not Alright, and how they statistically have less healthy nervous systems with more anxiety and depression.

While this is not everyone’s story, thank goodness, and God can still work with those who have childhood trauma, some of the comments in the article feed also expressed a deep bitterness for being parts of families who didn’t see their own children holistically but instead robbed themselves and their kids of good mental health in order to get others care.

I want to be careful to honor the work of sharing the hope of Christ while also telling you that each week, my work with couples mirrors these themes of concern, not with everyone of course, but with many.

People I see are overworking and overserving others and letting family and spousal relationships go to the wayside, which is why self-care has to be part of every homework assignment. We are not gnostic. We are embodied, and taking care of YOU is part of the call of Christ so you can take care of others well.

In other words, you are allowed to find what works for you to rest, whether it’s with Jane Austen or watching a local baseball game, or even watching Dude Perfect. The latter is not what I would choose to do with my precious time, but some of my family finds this redemptive, and in fact, as I took my husband and kids to their Squad Games for his birthday to see them last week, and I could see the blessing in it, although none of us, especially not me, support Tyler’s screaming, lol.

There are ways to pass the time that are dark and will only make you want even more addictive properties, and there are also good ways that will allow you to find your footing for the next day.

You will have to keep tweaking to find the rhythms that work for you and start passing up the ones that do not, as you grow in life and virtue, just as I have to do.

As I passionately work with couples, I will remind you that being an ascetic or someone who is too religiously busy does not look good on a family for their nervous systems. Famously, AW Tozer’s wife said, when he passed, “Aiden loved Jesus Christ, but Leonard loves me.”

May you and I, friend, not have to make our ministry and giving an all-or-nothing.

May we love God and serve others.

May we find a beautiful balance so we’re not only Martha or only Mary, her sister, since after all, I’m quite sure Jesus wanted to stay with Martha because she was a gracious host, albeit the chiding she got for being a resentful and jealous host and sister.

Most of all, may the ones inside our own homes know they are not forgotten in our quest to love the world - may they know they are part of that, the part God has specifically given to us to steward.

How can we do this? With intention! As Wes forms new ideas, his first reminders to me this morning, are, “I want to form these ideas, but I want to make sure I don’t lose sight of my family time.”

As I consider helping my kids to know best how to serve even those that aren’t pleasant but are part of their field of influence, we think of ways to include them in activities that won’t wrack their own nervous systems and drain them completely, but yet let them know that, yes, their garments will be touched when they serve, and yet to be wise in service will give them a longer reach - longer as in “not burning out as soon”, not longer as in reaching more poeple.

I too am much more tired after doing multiple sessions, so I must daily figure out how to love my kids, especially as school re-begins for Jack, and ALSO to make sure to rest, get my fitness in, and have plenty of love to give my family and husband actively. This ALL takes intention, and I have raised an awesome family and group of young adults with these principles in tow, by God’s grace.

For our deeper divers, I have questions for you to answer below as you work on finding your balance, honestly and faithfully, and to all, I hope you do this each day as well.

Love living intentionally with you,

Christa