This week I am away with my family, soaking in the most breathtaking corners of the Pacific Northwest. We have wound our way from Seattle to Mount Rainier, over to Leavenworth and to Glacier, and I keep finding myself simply in awe. The peaks, the valleys, the impossible green of it all. These are the moments we imagine life will be made of, the ones that take your breath clean away.
And with the Fourth of July landing this weekend, I have fireworks on the mind, the kind in the sky, and the kind we hope to keep alive in our marriages, because all month long on the podcast we are talking about exactly this, how to rally for some real fireworks even in our longer-married seasons.
But as we share, remember that of course, life is almost never actually made of these breathtaking moments.
As wonderful as daily life is, and I do mean wonder-full, it is also commonplace and routine by its very nature. I will need to pick up this kid, wash this pan, hold this session, and then rinse and repeat. It is a beautiful life, and I have no complaints. But it is not the grand tea at the Russian ballroom. Most of it is the quick Slurpee at the corner gas station or the Starbucks down the road for the upgraded version, lol.
And here is what I keep thinking about as I stand in front of these mountains: everyone wants to stay on the top of the mountain all the time but we just can’t.
And that can feel so unfair. You give yourself faithfully to one person, and yet the spark that came so easily in the beginning seems to quiet over the years. But there is real science underneath it, and understanding it actually sets us free.
When you bond with your own spouse you’ve been married to safely for years, your body produces oxytocin and vasopressin, the chemistry of deep bonding and secure attachment. These are lovely. They are the chemistry of lasting love. But here is the catch: as beautiful as they are, they cannot quite compete with the dopamine rush of newer, honeymoon-season love. Just as my quick stop at the gas station for a Slurpee cannot compete with the best Ethiopian coffee or purest green tea of China, neither can you have the same rush every second of life.
The dopamine of brand-new love literally runs on novelty. And novelty, by its very definition, fades as we come to truly know each other.
I sit in these stories all day long with couples, and I have heard them for years. But please hear me on this, because it matters: we are not helpless against the tyranny of the urgent and the commonplace. We are not doomed to drift.
In fact, the research offers us real hope. Couples who actually do the work to stay intentionally passionate, through new and creative conversations, fresh questions, shared adventures, and genuine play, find that their sex lives begin to light up with dopamine again. You are, in the loveliest sense if you do just a bit of work for it, geocaching in on each other, rediscovering the hidden treasure of the person you already have. And it works.
So here are ten quick ways to help you stay in the gorgeous heights of your love more often, and they are not nearly as difficult as you might think.
Ask one genuinely new question at dinner, something you have never asked in all your years of marriage.
Do one thing together each month that is new to both of you, even something small and a little silly.
Touch warmly outside the bedroom, with no agenda, so affection stops only ever being a prelude.
Protect your sleep like it matters to your marriage, because it does. Rest fuels desire. One more hour for women statistically goes a long way.
Share the mental load, because a mind running thirty open tabs cannot fully arrive in the body nor do you need to let pride run the show - share with the whole team.
Flirt with your spouse the way you did before you were ever sure of them - flirt like someone seeing them for the first time.
Plan a tiny adventure to look forward to and let your anticipation be its own kind of dopamine.
Put your phones away and actually look at each other - real eye contact still rewires connection.
Try the thing slightly outside your routine, the new trail, the new recipe, the new rhythm, even a new route home or a new walking path.
Tell each other what you love, out loud and specifically, and let it be something unique and laughworthy.
None of these require a trip to the mountains, thank goodness, because I’m coming home tomorrow, too! They just require a little intention, woven right into the ordinary, routine, wonder-full days we actually live.
So this weekend, as the fireworks light up the sky, maybe let them be a small reminder. The most beautiful displays are built on purpose, with care and intention. And the ones in your marriage can be too, even now, even in the most ordinary week.
Love living intentionally with you,
Christa
PS. For our deep divers, a few questions to take on a walk together this week.
Comments
Nothing yet. Say the first thing.
Sign in to join the conversation.