Everything You Need to Know about Camp Rock 3

If I had to rank the Camp Rock films, it would be: 1, 3, 2. Sad to be a second movie in a series, honestly. I think Oceans 12 is the only exception to this rule. Back to the Future II? Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. Okay, I guess there are several good ones. But Camp Rock 2 is not one of them.

Pretty sure this image is going to get my newsletter flagged for AI.

Ok here is what you need to know, if you, like me, are 1000 years old. The most adorable boy in this movie (2nd from left in the above photo) is the son of Lindsay Price! Who married Steve Sanders on 90210!

Wow, BAG (Brian Austin Green, try to keep up, people) is really serving in this picture. God, the post-college years were so bleak!!!

AND of course Lindsay Price was on All My Children before that!!

I don’t remember who Will is/was, but I DO know that we need to bring back photoshoots like this. Lindsay is bottom right, next to a baby Kelly Ripa. My god I love soap operas.

Anyway, back to Camp Rock 3. Disney really owns these children. I want to know what the contracts look like. There were two actors from the Zombies franchise, one of whom (Milo Manheim) is playing an adult and one of whom (a young man with a face crafted in a machine, down to the stripe in his eyebrow) is playing a teenager. What’s the difference? Who can say! Do these people get to say yes or no, when asked if they want to be in Camp Rock 3, or does Disney just press some button and they appear?

Am I a Disney adult? Oh god. I think I’m a Disney adult. If Disney pressed a button, I would appear, especially if it meant I could get a fancy escort who would help me skip all the lines for the rides. Totally worth whatever body parts you have to let them harvest.

There is an Ariana Grande-type person and she was our least favorite, mostly because her eyes looked fully black, like when someone has been possessed by Satan. They could have done a lot more with the Satan angle.

Poor Kevin Jonas is the butt of every joke. I wonder how he feels about that. I will say that I have listened to about 2.5 episodes of the Jonas Brothers podcast and I don’t think he’s the sharpest pencil in the box. He’s a nice pencil, though. Have you seen all the documentaries they’ve made wherein they always tell Kevin that they think he wasn’t good enough? Like I said, poor Kevin.

Where are the adults? Camp Rock, the organization, has finally jettisoned any suggestion of including authority figures who are old enough to care for this army of teens and tweens. Wherefore art thou, Alyson Stoner? Mitchie’s mom cannot do this alone! (The only other adult on site is Connect 3’s manager? Who now has to find their opening act amongst these campers? I love her, and I want more for her.)

Demi Lovato shows up and only interacts with the actress who plays her mother and the Bros themselves, which leads me to believe that Demi filmed this movie for exactly one (one) hour and it was in some mutually agreed upon location like maybe her own living room.

The Jonas Bros absolutely love to see a rack of cropped jackets waiting for them. They could be matadors on a moment’s notice. Love to see men who understand their proportions.

Did you know that Joe Jonas just had a Pokemon-themed 37th birthday party? Now you do. It was yesterday.

Anyway I loved it, but the Jonas Brother Christmas Movie is better, and yes I am taking my 10 year old to see them at MSG on Friday.

Rock on, all.

It’s not too late to read American Fantasy this summer. You will enjoy it. If you have already read and enjoyed, would you do me a solid and hit me with a 5 star review on one of those places where people do such things? Grazie!