Bisexual Wife

Your bisexual wife, I’m sorry to be the one to break this news to you, but, so, your bisexual wife doesn’t seem to have much time left, I am cherishing your bisexual wife’s last moments currently, both as a medical professional and a flesh with needs, I’m sorry, man, I’m really fucking sorry, man, fuck, man, what else is there to possibly say?

Once I walked outside with a guy and I said This reminds me of Minecraft and he said That’s so sad and then I picked up an unattended mammalian bone and he said Yeah you probably shouldn’t touch that and also how do you know it’s of a mammal, and I was all like, Wait, that was my thought, can you hear my thoughts now, can you hear this, and then he burpsnarted and then I put the mystery flavored bone down and we broke up, but that was way later, likely not connected, well just connected in the way that everything is connected, butterflies, which are insects, etc.

I AM BEAUTIFUL SO I CAN MORE EASILY MOVE THROUGH THE WORLD AND DO THE THINGS I ACTUALLY WANT TO DO, VERSUS THAT TEENAGE GIRL MAKING A TIKTOK OVER THERE, SHES DOING IT FOR NEFARIOUS REASONS UNLIKE MYSELF, WHO IS GOOD, WAIT, HOW DID SHE GET HER HAIR TO DO THAT, LIKE, SWOOPY THING YOU THINK?

I am afraid everyone was right all along and I just wasn’t trying hard enough, but it’s kind of like, yeah, of course, I’m not trying hard enough, obviously, if I was trying hard enough I’d be a rocket scientisting super modelling socialist president with a perfect pH and love and be loved and floss my teeth even the ones without bits of food between them, and if you were trying hard enough, you’d have totally walked away by now

I love women, I’ve never met a woman I didn’t like, I’ve never met a bad woman, if you have met a bad woman, then you should think about your own actions more often than you currently do, I’m kidding of course—WOMEN ARE EVIL! I’M NOT A GIRL’S GIRL, I’M A DORMANT LESBIAN WAITING FOR MY CUE! PLEASE STAND BY!

My bisexual wife said it’s about time I start pulling my weight around the house and she also this has nothing to do with but she is also watching a lot of quiet films with French brunettes and when I try to watch them with her she says no no no it’s me time me me me me me turn off the door I mean light thank you

When I think about the idea of having a “boyfriend” I picture a guy standing too close to you saying things like: “I want ideas. GIVE ME YOUR IDEAS! MOM SAID IT WAS MY TURN WITH THE IDEAS!!!”

Drop your trousers and give me your shiniest objects! Yes, I’m talking to you, Madam President! Tomorrow I will stop apologizing for my subtle existence—subtly. No, no, no, this soul’s mine, I called it, I already called it, yep, the dark blue one, that’s mine, you can have the purple though, purple is all yours buddy! Nothing hurts and life was a long webbed vulval sore! Ha-ha! Actually, can I have the purple too? Let me at least look at it