Jennie Young’s dating philosophy, the “Burned Haystack Dating Method,” could not be more appropriately titled. The method idea in laymen’s terms: we’re burning down the proverbial haystack, in search of our needles, by blocking men on dating apps at the first hint of incompatibility, to put it mildly. No explaining to men how they should treat us, no talking ourselves into liking these men, and no convincing them they’re off-putting and offensive in hopes they might act right - just for us.
The list of rhetorical patterns that Young teaches women to look out for indicate emotional unavailability and boundary violations. She emphasizes a zero tolerance policy for “red flags” like overtly sexual tones in messages, or quick apologies after offensive jokes. This is intentional, she teaches her readers. Men test our limits by offering up insulting comments or degrading quips under the guise of humor, in order to see how much we’ll tolerate.
Young, a professor of rhetoric at the University of Wisconsin - Green Bay, has this message displayed on her website: “I teach women to detect manipulation and decode power dynamics in dating, work, and life. Using equal parts theory and humor, I’ll help you trust your gut so you can move through the world with clarity and agency.”
That trust your gut bit really stood out to me. I remember being 23, a newly single mom, and asking my co-workers at the Basalt Starbucks, “Should I bail on this date I have planned? I’m not really feeling it.” My intuition was telling me to cancel the date. We’d met twice previously, but I didn’t feel much of a connection to him.
“Where does he want to go?”
“The hot springs.”
“Oh, that place is gorgeous,” my co-worker told me as we cleaned off the milk steamers beside the espresso machines. “You should go just to see the hot springs.”
We’d matched on Tinder a few weeks earlier. What I considered to be a red flag in 2016 wasn’t as crystal clear as it is today, with a divorce and a related domestic violence criminal case under my belt. But even then, something was noticeably amiss and I couldn’t quite put my finger on it.
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