Ranking Decisions That I Support this Week from "Mama, what?" to "I will ride with you to the depths of hell"

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There are a lot of people this week making some ~choices~ ranging from good to downright idiocy. Below — please find my ranking from worst to best.

Okay, someone needs to intervene. And I am willing to do it if people think that I’m the right person for the job. I’m not pawning this off — like climate change, we all play a role in this.

During her London Eternal Sunshine show, fans noticed Ariana sporting a new tattoo — a bad boy right on her collarbone that says “I do love you.”

Know who else has that same tattoo? Her ex turned new boyfriend, Ricky Álvarez. Sure, his is older and in a chunkier font, and Ari’s is new. But pair the tats with the Instagram hard launch and I am left to assume that she is down bad for this man just months after breaking up with Ethan Slater.

Maybe you think “oh, that’s nice that she’s happy.” Wrong, Mom.

Need I remind you that Ricky is the guy who she licked doughnuts with in 2015, causing a national crisis? We cannot take another incident like that. The country is barely holding it together, especially now that we’re $40 trillion in debt (hold on America, my student loan payments are on the way)!

Needless to say, I do not care for Ricky. And this public step back for Ariana cannot come soon enough. We all need a break.

I had no clue who Harry Jowsey was when I started watching “Let’s Marry Harry,” a Bachelor-style show where Harry dates 25 women, all of whom get engagement rings and live in the same house as him. The goal? I mean, I assume production’s first goal has to be avoiding a massive herpes outbreak. But the stated goal of the show is for Harry to marry one woman by the end of the month. That’s right, one month.

Even Love is Blind gets five weeks. You’re telling me that Alex Cooper, who is executive producing the show, couldn’t spring for one more week of production? Her production company, Unwell, was just valued at $500 million. But maybe four weeks was all that anyone could stand to be around Alex’s spouse, Matt Kaplan, who has a bit of a yelling problem.

Or maybe they did four weeks because no one actually thought Harry would end up with someone. Harry (apparently) is a staple on Netflix dating shows like “Too Hot to Handle” and “Perfect Match,” where he’s racked up quite the reputation as a hoe. So much so that he spent about five minutes telling all the women how much he’s changed since his dad passed away.

It got to the point where even I was like, “damn, what did this dude do on TV?” Nothing that I can find aside from your basic fuck boy behavior. But at one point in “Let’s Marry Harry,” he acknowledges to one contestant that she’s triggering his desire to love bomb. I’m sorry, what? You’re actively trying to love bomb someone and you’re aware of it? And you’re willing to admit it in front of all the other women?

Unfortunately, show formats like this — where the man is centered as the prize — push women to ignore any misgivings they may have about the relationship in the name of “winning.” Harry can admit to love bombing. He can kiss every single woman in the house in a night and hook up with one too. He can behave however he wants and they’ll ultimately look the other way to be chosen.

Harry is a walking red flag, and that’s not just because production cannot keep him out of the sun (literally begging someone to bring him sunscreen and a water). When he does open up to one woman emotionally — crying in her arms as he talks about his childhood and his dad — he’s immediately turned off by her the next day when she admits to liking him. He thinks she’s too into him, even though he spent their date being vulnerable with her.

It’s pretty clear that Harry is a classic avoidant who should be in therapy instead of on reality TV. Luckily, his best friends are there to help. Harry brought along his best guy friend, his ex-girlfriend, and his best girl friend, Amanda Kloots. Together, those three pick the women who will go home at each elimination, with Harry getting one save each week.

I’m not to the end of the show yet, but I do know that Harry gets “married” to one contestant (he’s currently trying to tell everyone the marriage is real). The only good thing I can say about him is that he did a better job telling those women apart than I did.

It’s not surprising that Gwyneth Paltrow is throwing a “private, off-the-record al fresco dinner” for Sam Altman (aka the man sent to destroy us all with OpenAI). Private no longer now that the invite leaked!

The maven of dubious wellness endorsements has recently shifted her focus to supporting AI (and shilling for Israeli luxury real estate). In June, she had Trae Stephens on her podcast. Stephens, whose company makes bombs guided by AI and other “smart battlefield” technology aimed at killing people more cheaply than traditional warfare, talked about his faith on the podcast. Powerful stuff.

Trae said he’s only building these bombs to save American lives, which are famously more valuable than other lives in the eyes of every major world religion. And Gwyneth said “amen,” recalling the trauma of growing up during the Cold War and 9/11, and using that trauma to justify AI warfare.

I too remember 9/11 and yet I’ve managed to avoid thinking it’s okay to build weapons designed to kill as many people as possible. But I’m not like other girls.

While these two just announced their split last month, they were reunited at Jordyn Woods and Karl-Anthony Towns’ wedding. And Vogue clocked it.

I don’t know if it’s for a good time or a long time, but I support it. Sue me, I love love.

First — this show needs to apologize to the city of St. Louis. These women are not from St. Louis. They’re from a way worse place about 50 miles down the highway. And I can say that because I am from Missouri.

“The Double Lives of Suburban Wives” premiered this week on TLC, following six women who all have a dark secret — they are OnlyFans content creators. Some of them are more open about being content creators, probably because they were outed and fired from their teaching jobs. Others are doing it in total secrecy … minus the reality TV show.

I mean, I audibly laughed when one of their husband’s proclaimed, “we’re not telling anyone!” My dude, you are on camera right now.

Every woman on this show has the same basic backstory — her husband lost his job, so she had to whip out her tits to save the family farm. Tale as old as time really.

Some of them have embraced their OnlyFans stardom, making millions on the platform. And others are still conflicted by it, especially because of their faith. One woman, Macy, even goes so far as to wear her OnlyFans wig in public when she’s with her creator friends so that if she does get recognized, it will only be because they know her from OnlyFans, not from church. It’s weird. And it doesn’t make any sense. But trying to find logic in any TLC show is a fool’s errand.

There are only two episodes so far, but my favorite thing is that they all think they’re being recognized for being on OnlyFans. I think people are probably taking photos of them because they’re walking around a rural Missouri town with a population of 4,791 people with a camera crew. One woman’s opinion.

People Mag dropped this news so you know it’s true — Harry and Meghan are moving back to the UK for “an extended period of time.” They’re keeping their home in Montecito and will live in a non-royal affiliated property in the UK, but yeah, they’re giving it another go.

EVERYONE BE CHILL THIS TIME.

Looking at you, British tabloids. This is a reminder that while Meghan is Black, you don’t need to write about it. It’s okay. Some people are Black. It’s not front page news.

While it’s not clear what spurred this decision, the Royals have had some recent health scares, including Kate and Charles revealing they had cancer. Late last year, Charles announced that his treatments would be “reduced” but he hasn’t announced that he’s cancer free.

Maybe Harry wants to spend time with his only parent and make sure his kids know their grandfather. Maybe Meghan is finally going to take William out at the knees for leaking stories about her to the press to cover his affair (allegedly). Only time will tell, but I’m proud of them for giving it another go.

And I’m probably the most excited for Lilibet, who (along with her brother), will start school in the UK this September. That little girl is about to realize that she’s a literal princess and has been held back from royalty since birth. That’s been a personal fantasy of mine from age 3 to right now.

They could never make me hate you, Mary Margaret Designs.

It is SEC move in-week and I am once again reminded how crazy these young women and their families are. Not only are we being treated to recruitment outfits worth thousands of dollars, but we’re also getting to see their decked out dorm rooms.

Some parents are dropping $20k to transform their beautiful baby girl’s room into something out of a Lilly Pulitzer fever dream.

Yes, of course — wealth tax now. But don’t take my SEC girls away from me.

People were mad about this complete waste of money, but I love thinking about these rooms getting destroyed by 18 year old monsters. It brings me great joy to imagine these girls rolling in at 2 AM, so drunk that they destroy their room Godzilla-style by trying to get into their lofted beds, and then crawling into their thousand dollar sheets with a slice of pizza and the bare feet that they walked home from from the bar with. That’s beautiful to me.

Get her, Jade!

ABC, via its parent company Disney, is suing the Federal Communications Commission, arguing that the Tr*mp administration has violated its free speech rights. If you’ll recall, the FCC challenged ABC’s broadcast licenses in retaliation for the negative coverage featured on ABC News, The View, and Jimmy Kimmel Live. I mean, if they didn’t say negative things, the broadcasts would just be 60 minutes of silence. You can’t expect that of Joy Behar.

The lawsuit cites multiple Truth Social posts, along with FCC Chairman, Brendan Carr’s comments about retaliation. And while Carr is saying the lawsuit is jumping the gun, the lone Democrat on the FCC (lol how bleak) said in an interview with Morning Edition that “Disney has found its courage [. . .] it’s good for the First Amendment. It’s good for the public, and it’s good for broadcasters in general.”

Stay strong, queen. And go Disney, I guess.

Azzi Fudd, I love you and I hope this surgery buys you years of playing time in the W.

Yesterday, the Dallas Wings announced that Azzi will be out for the rest of the season as she undergoes and arthroscopic procedure to clean up her right knee. She’s dealt with numerous injuries in that knee, including two ACL tears.

This year, she went straight from March Madness to playing about 35 minutes every game. Dallas has been running all their starters ragged this season, so it’s not necessarily surprising that Azzi is now dealing with an injury.

I’m beyond glad that she’s not pushing herself to play through the pain, choosing instead to prioritize her long term health and career.

But who will I root for now that Dallas’ playoff chances are looking bleak and the Sparks are … well, the Sparks. I’m throwing my hat in with the Minnesota Lynx. I want to see Queen Phee with a trophy. But my dark horse? The Washington Mystics.

That’s it for this week!

XOXO,

Emily