Ordering a Wellness Check for Ariana Grande & Jason Sudeikis

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I’m not going to sugar coat it — this is a real bummer of a Stack. And it’s not just because Spider Man: New Day Made $932 million this weekend, all but confirming that they’ll keep making these Marvel movies until I’m dead. No, this is because I’m covering some very sad celebrity mental health issues. So trigger warnings ahead, especially if you’re a Ted Lasso fan.

I have put off talking about Ariana Grande for months because, as a rule, I do not comment on women’s bodies online. Men? Sure, gird your loins. I’ll talk about Alexander Skarsgård playing a hot basket man all damn day.

But women? Well, as a child of the 90s who grew up seeing celebrities and their alleged weights splashed all over tabloid covers, I am deeply uninterested in adding to any public discourse about how big or how small a woman has become. It’s harmful to the subject and harmful to the little girl in the supermarket who is slowly understanding that her body will be dissected too — because female bodies are always open to discussion. Perhaps that’s because they’re a reflection of our social and political leanings.

After all, female bodies are political. They are policed by public policy, deprived of autonomy, and subjected to ever changing beauty standards. In the 2010s, a time of social reform, bodies were expected to have butts and boobs, reflecting a shift towards inclusivity and diversity. But now, with the rise of white supremacy, they are expected to adhere to white femininity — made as small and quiet as possible. Expressions should be limited by Botox, and if they cannot be naturally thin, then they should be injected with drugs to suppress appetites. In DJT’s America, the perfect woman should be able to fit in an oversized bin without any complaint. Or in Ariana’s case, a guitar case.

And though Ariana is adhering to that beauty standard, we have collectively decided that she’s gone too far.

Whatever is happening with Ariana’s health is not my business. I don’t know her. And to my knowledge, she does not subscribe to this stack (though, I think I’m making some pretty cool points here if anyone wants to send it to her…). I do not think that commenting on her thinness will spur her to address any health issues. Shaming someone into changing never works. What’s more, if she does have an eating disorder, then being thin is a mark of successfully maintaining control over her body. Any comments affirming her thinness could spur her to keep going.

For these compounding reasons, I don’t engage in body discourse. But this week, the commentary surrounding Ariana and her body reached a boiling point. On Sunday, Ariana’s team announced that she will be taking a step back from public life after her tour concludes.

In their statement, her team said, “[s]he looks forward to finishing the tour and ending it on a high note, both healthily and happily, and then taking a much-deserved break from public-facing work and appearances, which has led to endless, ongoing public scrutiny.”

To this, I must say — be so fucking for real. You cannot tell me that this is a healthy individual. Take a break, yes. But don’t show me an emaciated body and tell me it’s a healthy one. I’m not going to speculate on what’s going on with Ariana health-wise, but quite simply, you do not get this thin without something going on.

Her team has been seeing the same things the public has — an increasingly thin Ariana struggling to get through her performances. And then there was the Petal music video, where her entire rib cage was on display. Put simply, she’s barely making it through this tour.

For those looking for some kind of explanation from Ariana about what’s going on, they will not find it in her latest album. Petal is largely devoid of introspection, focusing more on how toxic the public can be. While also saying things like “I am not the victim / Bitch, I'm practically drowning in my blessings.” Sure, her career is at a high point (she was nominated for an Oscar and can fit in that guitar case) but would we call being unable to perform for two hours a blessing?

I wouldn’t, but I’m crazy like that.

Ariana spoke to her own fans about the break during a concert, assuring them that she had decided to take a step back “a long time ago and it’s a decision that was made from a thoughtful and empowered place”

While I don’t know that this is coming from an empowered place or out of necessity, I can hope for the latter. Watching anyone struggle so publicly with their health is painful and scary, and I hope that Ariana gets the time she needs to heal from whatever illness she’s battling. Though if it is a sickness caused by the authoritarian oppression of female bodies, I fear she may never recover.

On a lighter note, let’s talk about Jason Sudeikis’ apparent inability to let Ted Lasso go.

A few weeks ago, I talked about Olivia Wilde’s comeback post-divorce, and now, I must turn my attention to Jason, who we last saw blocking her car with his body.

Jason PROMISED me that season three of Ted Lasso would be the last. I hate watched the whole thing, even as it became increasingly sappy and self-obsessed. Bill Lawrence, the initial showrunner, left to focus on other projects, leaving Sudeikis alone at the helm. After shooting 10 hour days, Jason would retire to edit scripts well into the night, forcing actors to learn new lines on the fly. Episode lengths ballooned as Jason was unable to edit things down. What was left was a show that was, to put it kindly, a complete slog.

But apparently, a promise means nothing when your real life goes to shit and you want to escape back into playing the world’s most optimistic man. In a recent interview, Sudeikis gave insight on his decision to return, stating that “it is infectious to play a character who sees the best in people and isn’t mad at the world for all its foibles and bullies and shadows [. . .] it was good to live in that — to have that coursing through your brain and your body all day.”

Oh buddy, are you okay? Are things that bad at home without the salad dressing?

Olivia said she took a month-long road trip to find herself after the divorce – maybe you could try that too? I know it’s too late with season four already shot (though apparently, Jason is still editing…six months later), but surely before season five comes out?

Who can say if we’ll be that lucky. Sudeikis is talking about another three-season arc as Ted returns to coach a women’s soccer team. I for one am not looking forward to what the all-male creative team does with complex female characters. Remember last season, when they thought it was appropriate for Hannah Waddingham’s character to wake up after a drunken night with a man and ask him if anything happened? Because I do.

I know that Jason “needed this” but I don’t think the rest of the world did. Watch me eat my words when the numbers come in.

Finally, one silver lining of the week — Diddy’s prison release date was set back after he got into an altercation with another inmate and landing in solitary confinement.

Apparently, the inmate insulted Diddy, but at this point, I’m not sure what he could say that isn’t true. If the man said “you’re a fake raper who abused women and had rooms filled with Costco-sized tubs of baby oil,” those are simply statements of facts!

That’s it for this week!

XOXO,
Emily