The Most Embarrassing Time to Have a Crush on a Man

They say you always find someone when you’re least expecting it. If you look at my latest Threads posts, you’ll see I’m on a bit of a man-hating spree.

From the investigative journalism on the rape academy uncovered by CNN , to Megan Thee Stallion revealing how Klay Thompson cheated on her, to the sexism I’m facing as a woman in the construction industry.

Men’s public appeal has been crumbling, but never before at such an all-consuming rate, and women aren’t afraid to publicize it anymore. It feels like the most embarrassing time to have a crush, let alone a crush on a man. Let alone be dating one.

After my breakup in 2023, which propelled me back to Maryland, the last thing I wanted to entertain was a man. After my dad died and I took over his business, in what is our busiest season, the last thing I wanted to make room for in my schedule was a man.

But here I am deep in my man-hating, calling-out-BS, world-on-fire era dating one.

When I have a crush, I assume those who follow my writing are most interested in the herpes aspect. But honestly, when I have a crush, that’s the last thing on my mind at the beginning.

It doesn’t start with will he accept me for herpes? It starts somewhere much simpler: does he like me back?

From the beginning, it felt very high school. I met him through work. We were standing together with another colleague when it felt like time stopped. Like we were in our own snow globe of a conversation, where the snow kept falling, but the other person disappeared. Where it was just us.

When I finally mustered the courage to give him my number (via my business card, because I’m nothing if not professional) I felt myself go back in time.

Will he text me? Does he like me back? Is this all in my head? Did he feel it too?

Many times, those of us with herpes become so focused on whether someone will accept our diagnosis that we lose sight of the fun of dating. The pursuit, the uncertainty, the romance, the aliveness of it. In a world already so depleted of hope, especially for women dating men, that particular joy can feel almost embarrassing to want.