the beauty of impermanence

A very personal lesson I’ve learnt over this winter is that nothing is permanent.

I have to admit it’s been a terrifying realisation that has kept me up at night, dampened my cheeks, and made me question many things.

I find it strange, even painful to look into my past and to try and somehow accept that things that were real then, perhaps aren’t so now. That people, places, things as I knew them the have changed or disappeared altogether. That life is just a meandering journey of incessant shifting, morphing and adapting to what is sent our way.

I find it extremely difficult to come to grips with the fact that those who I love now won’t be in my present forever. Confusing, to understand that even myself, as I know her now, will be changed and shaped by her days, and weathered by the wind.

I don’t like change. I never have. If anything, I’ve always battled against it, leaving early, swiftly and discreetly at parties to avoid a lingering goodbye. However I know that I must not fight it. That life is change, and that’s a stable truth. And perhaps I’m realising that accepting that no person, place or moment will ever be the same and is never promised forever is the path to leading more joyful days, weeks and seasons.

Here are a few of the ways I’m reframing change to love her, rather than fight her:

I wonder if there’s an antidote to this burdening realisation. Perhaps it is simply, ‘being present’ a prescribed pill we know we should take but regardless are reluctant to swallow. We stay tied to our busy routines, and don’t take the time to sit and take the tablet of ‘here and now’.

The only way to deal with the truth of impermanence is the radical acceptance of it. To understand that the only security is found within yourself. This is why cultivating acceptance and kindness within yourself throughout your life is of utmost importance. Allowing yourself to pause and reflect, and simply be during moments of our day, be it at a bus stop, knitting, or breathing in the air on a walk. Holding the belief that regardless or all the uncontrollable, shifting events that happen to us day to day, you will trust that you will be okay and you can always find a way and direction to start again. Because that is the beauty of life, you can start something new, or chase a new direction at any point in time. That you have yourself and will never lose that, and you have the choice to move towards whatever you desire. Each day you have a choice to discover a new street, meet a new person, to try something new. You, in your present hold all power to design and direct your days. You can choose to bring people and opportunities into them, but also don’t depend solely on that because you understand that you cannot control those factors.

There’s such joy and possibility in this idea. We must cherish our present, whilst understanding that life as it is now will not be the same in ten years time. In fact, lack of change would be its own punishment, for we would come to take what we love for granted. Countless philosophers have long recognised this, that being stuck in repetition and stagnation is suffering in itself. That change is not just inevitable; it is necessary. How dire and unsettling would it be to watch a film replaying the same day over and over, as opposed to one filled with love, longing, struggle, grief and hope. This rollercoaster journey of change is what makes us feel alive. To feel every inkling of emotion, light or dark, drip through your veins is a blessing and a reminder that this is what it is to live. So we must embrace change with open arms and understand she is here to help us live, not tie us down.

Easier said than done I know, but I find myself comparing my current self to my past self and feeling a sense of lack with where I am now. When I was a student, I was traveling more, free-er, more youthful and naive- the list goes on and on. I think reflecting on our past from a lens of lack is never going to yield a good result. Instead, from a perspective of gratitude we can yield more helpful conversations with ourselves: yes, I had some beautiful times, memories and my goodness am I grateful for those. I am also grateful for how these experiences, pretty or ugly have shaped me into the person I am today, wiser and more grounded. I’m now building something new, different, with an understanding that I cannot sit back in the past because the person I am today would not enjoy them as much as I did then, because I’ve already done those things, felt and lived those experiences. That now I am learning new lessons that i’ll look back on in 5 years time with a different type of gratitude. Finding grace and gratitude in your current reality is so important because it’s difficult. It’s so much easier to romanticise the past because it isn’t real. It’s a story that you can twist and enlighten as you please. There is always light to find in your present but you need to focus to find it. You need to intentionally notice it.

There’s something I know you’ve been holding onto that you know it would do well to let go of. A feeling, a place, a person, a mindset, a habit. Allow yourself to recognise where you’re resisting change and allowing that to let you sink into suffering. We tell ourselves stories every day, can you tell yourself a new story.

I think mine might be that I quite like change.

Lots of love,

Eloïse

What I’m reading: Humankind: A hopeful History