If I ever wanted to scam a lot of people and have no one question it, I would offer a Sofia Coppola Short Film Award and charge $25 per application. And I’m not saying that the Sofia Coppola Short Film Award is a scam. I’m sure it’s not, but it is an exercise in sadism.
I’ve had anyone from Uber drivers to the technician performing an ultrasound on my heart tell me that they’re actually a writer too. ‘I mostly write fantasy short stories on Facebook’ an Uber driver once told me. The person behind me at the cafe I’m writing in right now is talking about the memoir she’s writing in tandem with her therapy journey. And that’s not to say Uber drivers and the girl behind me can’t also be writers, but it is to say you can imagine the ferocity with which many many people would submit to the Sofia Coppola Short Film Award.
I hope whoever designed the Sofia Coppola Short Film Award, and I’m sure it wasn’t Sofia Coppola herself, (although if it was I take back everything I’m about to say and just ask please, Sofia, give me the money) had a real nice chuckle to themselves when they decided to make the application ‘community reviewed’, a detail I didn’t notice until a man under the username steve-pondweed immediately commented on my application, giving me an 8.5/10 which is, I guess, nice but commenting: ‘the film is not eligible for this award as already shot, and this award is for new projects.’
I’ll be honest, I skimmed the fine print as I became disillusioned with grant applications after getting feedback from one saying that my use of ‘seance’ in the logline wasn’t totally accurate and that might alienate the witchcraft community. So I tend to just shoot them out without putting too much mental energy into them (good or bad idea, I don’t know!) but I know I didn’t read anything that said I couldn’t apply for post production costs (my bad if I missed that!)
So, naturally, I’m like, who the fuck is steve-pondweed and does he work for this organization? Because if I actually can’t apply for post production costs I’d like my $25 back.
I started clicking on every single submission to see what they were scoring seeing as I’m competitive. steve–pondweed was on every single submission. Every single submission had a comment from steve-pondweed. steve-pondweed told applicants that he recommended they add a personal video, add their screenplay, he recommended that one application in Spanish upload an English version, he told some applicants their ideas were ‘familiar but potentially effective.’ He even told another applicant: ‘ the film is not eligible for this award as already shot, and this award is for new projects.’ steve-pondweed, protector of the purity of grants he thinks should not be given to films that have already been shot.
I texted my film’s producer and I received a link back in seconds. Is this him? She asked. His last name isn’t actually pondweed but he couldn’t hide because he uploaded the same picture of his sneakers on a red carpet that he used for his profile picture on the grant website to imdb. steve-pondweed, Sofia Coppola’s keeper, loves a red carpet.
His instagram revealed him to be a white British man in maybe his 60s with 200 or so followers and reels made up of one picture of a beach and then another picture of his dog on the beach. He also had a reel that the organization distributing this grant collab posted with him about how much he loooves reviewing other films on the Sofia Coppola Short Film Award and how important it is. steve-pondweed, independent cinema’s last hope. Of course it’s an old British man, right at a time when I’m getting the ick from British people. They’ve never liked my garish American voice and steve-pondweed is no exception. So here he comes to tell me what I can and can’t apply for.
More reviews started rolling in and, although I was previously enjoying a really peaceful Sunday evening which included reading books in the park and watching the new season of America’s Sweethearts, I started to feel like I was tripping on a drug called steve-pondweed and other anonymous stranger’s approval.
You can score projects based on unique voice, visual quality and originality which is ironic because none of us applying for the Sofia Coppola Short Film Award could possibly be original.
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