What Kids Want Parents to Know About Work and Family Life

What we—adults—think kids think and what they actually think can be quite different.

Sometimes it’s day and night. Night and day. It’s almost as if we are looking out of the same picture window and seeing different landscapes. This has been a recurrent finding from all the years I’ve been conducting youth voices studies.

Yet, it’s usually quite surprising.

For example, what do you think kids would say if they were asked this question:

If you were granted one wish to change the way your mother’s/your father’s work affects your life, what would that wish be?

Almost no one gets it right.

What DO kids want us to know about work and family life?

Finding 1: Children worry about the stress parents bring home.

The majority of people assume that if children had one wish to change the way their mother’s or father’s work affects their lives, they would wish for more time together.

My 1999 study was the first time I asked that question in a nationally representative study of third through twelfth graders and of parents of children the same ages.

Most parents (56%) did predict that children would want more time together.

Only 10% of children wished for more time with their mothers, and 16% wished for more time with their fathers.

If given just ONE wish, the larger proportion wished that their parents would be less stressed and less tired. Thirty-four percent made that wish for their mothers, and 28% for their fathers. Only 2% of parents predicted that answer.

When I asked that question again in 2020 in a national study and when I speak to parent groups, I get the same answer.

Tips

• Identify the aspects of work causing the most stress and change what you can. You obviously can’t change everything about work that doesn’t “work” for you, but even small changes can make a big difference.

• Develop transition rituals to say “hello” to home. This might include listening to music, taking a short walk, or spending a few quiet moments before walking through the door. Mister Rogers was right all of those years ago to change into his sweater when he got home. These rituals help us refocus.

• Create “hello” traditions for your children. The end of the day can be what some parents call “arsenic hour”—you’re not sure whether you want to take it or give it. Children often save up their worries for the people they trust most. Predictable homecoming rituals can ease the transition for everyone. And if they involve a snack, all the better so nobody’s hangry.

• Set realistic expectations for what you accomplish at home. It’s better to succeed at two or three important things than fail at twenty. Decide what’s most important for you to get done.

Finding 2: Working is neither good nor bad for children. What matters is how children are parented.

For decades, working mothers have been portrayed as either bad or good for children.

In my study, children assessed their parents on 12 parenting skills linked to healthy development and academic success. These included raising them with good values, being someone they can turn to when they’re upset, spending time talking with them, appreciating them for who they are, creating family traditions, and encouraging a love of learning.

The results showed no meaningful differences between the ratings given by children whose mothers were employed and those who had at-home mothers.

This finding echoed decades of research: you cannot predict how a child will turn out simply because their mother works. What matters most is how children are parented—how parents connect with their children, whether the children feel known, understood, supported, yet stretched to grow and learn.

Tips

• Manage your guilt—don’t let it manage you. Guilt can be useful because it signals a gap between what we expect and what is happening. I think of guilt like a fever—it tells us something is wrong. And, like a fever, if it goes untreated, it can become destructive: Parents might try to compensate by buying gifts, avoiding discipline, or lowering expectations.

• Use guilt as information. Ask yourself where the disconnect lies and whether your expectations or your behavior need to change.

• Don’t get caught in battles over parenting choices. Surround yourself with people who support rather than criticize you.

Finding 3: It’s not just mothering. Fathering is crucial.

Public conversations about work and family life still tend to focus on mothers.

Yet, throughout the study, the importance of fathers stood out. When children were asked whether they had too little, enough, or too much time with each parent, 35% said they had too little time with their fathers, compared with 28% who said the same about their mothers.

Tip

• Parenting is not another word for mothering. Mothers matter. Fathers matter.

Finding 3: It’s not quality time or quantity time. That’s a false choice.

Debates about work and family often ask which is more important: quality time or quantity time.

The study suggested this is not a useful way to think about time with children.

I examined how much time children spent with their parents and what happened during that time: the activities they shared, whether the time felt rushed or relaxed, and whether children felt their parents were focused on them.

Both the amount of time and what parents did during that time influenced how children felt about their parents and their ability to manage work and family life.

Tips

• Change the language. Many parents dislike the phrase “quality time” because it implies perfection. Instead, think about “hang-around time” and “focused time”—the terms parents and children naturally use when they feel connected.

• Remember that small moments matter most. When children describe their best experiences with parents, they typically talk about everyday moments, not elaborate events.

• Create and sustain family traditions. When asked what they would remember most from childhood, children overwhelmingly mentioned family traditions. One family always sang in the car. Another told the same bedtime story every night about a cow, a pig, and a chicken. Traditions create lasting memories.

Finding 4: Parents’ jobs affect how they parent.

Discussions about work and family typically focus on parents while overlooking the nature of their jobs. Here are some factors about work that matter:

1. Caring Connections: When employees feel they belong and are supported, they can feel connected;

2. Agency: When employees are given some autonomy and treated with respect, they can become rightful owners of their own actions;

3. Mastery: When employees are encouraged to handle challenges in ways that develop competence, they can feel effective;

4. Identity: When employees can be who they are, they feel a sense of positive identity; and

5. Purpose: When employees have opportunities to explore what’s meaningful to them and contribute to the greater good, they can begin to develop more of a sense of direction in their lives.

Tips

• Look for people and places at work that can help you thrive.

• Replace the word “balance.” Balance suggests a scale where success in one area requires sacrifice in another. My research found the opposite. When work is going well, family life usually improves as well. Words like navigating capture the reality that work-life is a process with good days and bad days, but if you know where you want to go, you are more likely to keep going in that direction.

Finding 6: Children don’t think their parents like their jobs as much as parents do.

Parents often assume their children know whether they enjoy their work.

The study found otherwise.

While three in five parents said they liked their jobs a lot, only two in five children believed their parents liked their jobs that much.

One reason may be that parents shield children from work. Another may also be that parents often talk about frustrations while rarely sharing what they enjoy.

Tips

• Share the positive aspects of your work, not just the difficult parts. Children are more likely to see work as something worthwhile when they hear what interests and motivates you.

• Talk about the many reasons you work. Income matters, but so do purpose, growth, contribution, and relationships.

As one child told me: “I want my mother to like her work—just not more than she loves me.”

• If you talk about the negative aspects of work, also tell children how to manage to resolve problems. Children are looking to learn from us.

Finding 7: It’s not child care or parent care. Child care at best supports both.

When I have testified before Congress about child care, the conversation often drifts toward the idea that child care replaces parental care.

Research does not support that assumption. Quality child care supports both parents and children.

Tips

• Look for care/education that feels like an extension of your family. My research suggests this is often the most beneficial kind of care.

• Address tensions with the others who care for and teach your children. Disagreements are normal. Learn where you can agree, and where you can disagree, with respect.

Finding 8: Some parents don’t know what’s really going on in their children’s lives.

Older children did not give their parents especially high marks for knowing what was happening in their lives.

Tips

• Keep communication channels open. Ask specific questions instead of general ones. Rather than “How was school?” try “What made you laugh today?” or “What was the most interesting thing that happened?”

• Create regular opportunities to talk. Family traditions—such as sharing one good thing and one challenge about the day at a mealtime or bedtime—can make a meaningful difference.

• Listen to learn. Young people in focus groups says adults often listen with how they are going to respond in mind. They want adults to listen to better understand them. Listen in ways that don’t begin with immediate advice but an understanding of what your children are experiencing.

A Final Thought

Over the years I spent studying what children think about working parents, I met many parents who were reluctant to hear what their own children might say.

In effect, they told me:

Don’t ask my children. Ask other people’s children and tell me what they say.

Yet children did not blame their parents for working. In fact, they typically admired them.

What children worried about most was not that their parents worked, but the stress their parents carried home.

When we ask children what they think—and when we truly listen to their answers—we become far more likely to be the parents we hope to be.

I’m so grateful you’re reading Research to Thrive By on Substack! My book, The Breakthrough Years is available for purchase here.