What If You’re Already Enough?

Hi,

How are you guys?

It’s funny because I started writing this week’s Substack on Monday and wrote: I’m a little overwhelmed thinking about moving in just a week, but otherwise I’m all good. Turns out, I wasn't so good after all, as I was then promptly wiped out by the most horrific stomach bug, it’s the sickest I remember being in years and years.

I'm still not feeling 100%, probably lingering dehydration and lack of nourishment, but I thought I was slowly finding my feet again. Only to find our sausage dog chewing on a packet of Nurofen after I'd turned my back for five minutes this morning. She's now at the vet (who says she'll be totally fine), but yes, it's been a week!

I did watch the entire first season of Tell Me Lies over the last 48 hours, which I’d say is a 7/10 kind of show, it’s no Off Campus, much darker in tone, but still quite an addictive watch. Perfect if you are on a plane, sick in bed, having a cosy week of nights in and need something to zone out too. Thrilled that I have two more series to crack on with as I recover.

Anyway, it does mean I’ve made zero progress on sorting things for the house move too. We’re putting ¾ of our stuff into storage for a year, while we move next door to the forever house, so I really do need to sort what we need and what we don’t!

I’m constantly reminding myself, one thing at a time though. Finish one task before starting the next. It’s something I’ve always been terrible at and tend to get so overwhelmed by, but I’m really working on it now. I often find that when I get overwhelmed, I become like a tornado, not in an angry sense, but a slightly chaotic, whirling-around sense.

Before this bug took me out though, I listened to a fantastic podcast, from one of my fave shows – The Secular Buddhism Podcast – while I was doing lots of jobs in the veggie garden last weekend. I am obsessed with the garden at this point, the satisfaction of cooking a meal made with ingredients that you’ve just collected, the joy of seeing it change, the appreciation for what really makes it bloom. I’ve certainly learnt a huge amount that I’ll take into our forever garden next year. Not least that courgettes and squashes grow like weeds so don’t overdo them (which I have done this year!)

So, this podcast episode was all about our identities. About how over time we tend to create various identities, or layers, oftentimes as protection for moments when we feel overly vulnerable or uncomfortable in ourselves. Like a series of armour to insulate us from the world around us, to make life feel a little easier. Perhaps that looks like people pleasing, perfectionism, always saying, “I’m fine”, and soldiering on. I think we all have those sorts of masks, those types of protections, in some way, shape or form don’t you?

For me, I think the layers I built up were about locking everything inside, always trying to show I could do it, that I didn’t need help. Looking back, I think I had a fear of vulnerability, of letting people in. I think my relationship with myself was so poor that it felt protective to have this space, this distance.

Whereas I know for other people it’s saying yes to everyone else’s needs, ignoring their own, or taking on characteristics that don’t feel true to them simply to be liked and accepted, to fit in.

I think it’s all pretty normal, but I guess what it got me thinking was, at what point do we identify these as things we no longer need? When do they stop being protection and start holding us back? And how often do we even know they’re there?

We’re often so busy, so overstimulated, so stuck on a hamster wheel, that we’re hiding from our feelings through our phones, food, alcohol and endless distractions. Overstimulation has become the default. We watch television while we eat, take our phones to the toilet, scroll rather than feel and snack rather than sit with things that make us uncomfortable.

We rarely stop to notice or acknowledge what’s really going on. It’s almost as though we’re frightened of being alone with ourselves, of allowing our minds to sit in neutral. And actually, it’s just easier to zone out and scroll than sit with something difficult sometimes, isn’t it?

I remember just after Matt’s mum was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer, sitting in the hospital waiting area scrolling random rubbish. I thought, what on earth am I doing, and I was hiding, I was pretending it was ok but immersing myself in random people’s outfit reveals, DIY projects etc.

Is that always the worst thing? Probably not, but if it means we can’t ever sit with ourselves, then yes I don’t think it’s great.

But what does that all have to do with health and wellness, with learning to live well?

Well, I think a central – often overlooked – part of learning to live well is becoming truly comfortable within our own skin, to see ourselves as whole, as perfectly imperfect. I think that’s an incredibly important part of a real health journey.