Vanilla grief

This ‘coffee and croissant’ rating is for pieces that are meatier than a nibble, but not as rich as a main. A soup starter perhaps? It’s a piece to prompt some gentle thinking or give a subtle griefy insight. I think this is appropriate reading for any setting (e.g. in your coffee break at work or on the tube back home).

A few months ago Henry asked me to marry him (goodness me!). I cried happy tears. And then sad tears. Lots of sad tears actually. Because in thinking about who I can tell, I remembered who I can’t. And that just completely overwhelmed me.

It’s given my grief a big old shake. It’s whooshed and zhooshed and swirled and poked. Knocked, pushed and tripped me.

A part of me wanted to stamp my feet in frustration. Can’t I just have this moment? I wanted to ask. Can’t I just get caught up in this moment?

The other part thought DUHHH! What obvious grief! As mainstream as it gets! Vanilla vanilla vanilla.

This made another part wonder how much I’ve overcomplicated all my other grief - if it can be this simple. Added sprinkles and chocolate chips to a perfectly good vanilla.

But deep down I know this is fresh grief. Straight from the source grief. It’s when it’s been left out a bit that it curdles slightly. That’s when it shapeshifts and gets sneaky.

And even now this grief is curdling. Seeping into wedding planning with an uncomfortable buzz. One that makes me overthink the small things and underthink the big ones.

At some point (like now!) I’ll look back at what I’ve written and think oh how dramatic! What exaggeration! Was I really that emotional? I’m absolutely fine now…

And round and round I’ll go! Prodding and poking and (p)questioning what was once oh so simple. Oh so vanilla!

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(I want to make a ring with some gems my Mum bought in India when she was 18. We’re not sure whether she was duped into buying a few bits of pretty looking glass - or if they are something a little more precious*- but either way it’s nice to think that after 36 years they will see the light of day!!

*My first google was an optimistic ‘how to tell if something is a diamond’)

P.s It’s been a busy few months of moving house and cities and catching up with PhD work so I’ve not been writing as much as I want! I’m now in France with my family where I should (!) have more time…(I’m hoping the romanticised image I have of myself writing in a sunset garden with a glass of wine and a bowl of olives becomes a reality…).