All the beautiful foods I will be eating post-pregnancy

Welcome to the first of my maternity leave essays. I wrote them over the last nine months and squirreled them away to share with you while I’m offline. Think of them as little time capsules.

Today I will be regaling you with a comprehensive list of all the forbidden foods I lusted after during pregnancy. Behind the paywall: the best steak tartare I’ve ever eaten (and where you can find it), fuzzy cheeses, and other gorgeous comestibles!

But first, some news. I’m so happy to share that Critter made his earthly debut on July 20. (He has a normal human name, but for now he will remain Critter in the pages of The Scumbler.) So many things are true at once: This has easily been the hardest week of my life — sleep deprivation is a form of torture for a reason, as a wise person recently told me — and yet I’m already mourning the day when Critter is no longer able to scrunch up on my chest like a warm loaf of bread. I could watch his mysterious micro-expressions for hours, and I love him beyond words.

On a less earnest note, I binged The Four Seasons while working the dawn shift at the Critter factory. It’s a completely smooth-brained show with nice locations, good clothes, and a great cast — Tina Fey, Colman Domingo, Steve Carell, Will Forte, et al. — that averages one true giggle per episode. If you ever find yourself feeling lobotomized by your life and need a little escape, I cannot recommend it enough.

More nice things: In March, I went to the taping of Mary Beth Barone’s new Netflix comedy special, Galaxy Brain. Our subsequent interview, for Harper’s Bazaar, is now live! We discussed the references for her ultra-glam look (Ariel from The Little Mermaid, Meg from Hercules), her writing process (she is extremely organized, which I find aspirational), and her belief in “Dior Bag Socialism” (good marketing for the DSA). I had so much fun talking with her and hope you’ll enjoy!

And now, on to our scheduled programming.

— Eliza

I’m writing this newsletter in early March, 20 weeks pregnant and pining for all the foods and beverages I’ve been avoiding these last five-ish months. By the time you read this, I will be guzzling a cold brew under the summer sun or enjoying a nice crisp glass of Sancerre while demolishing a steak tartare topped with a raw egg. I hope. The cold brew seems achievable, at least.

Figuring out what’s safe to eat during pregnancy is a bit of a mindfuck. Early in my first trimester, while adjusting to my new “condition,” I found myself frustrated by contradictory advice on the subject. Like a good millennial, I read Emily Oster’s pregnancy book Expecting Better, which became, perhaps unfairly, the primary object of my aggravation.

Rather than providing firm do’s and don’ts, Oster, who is an economist by training, is in the business of giving people enough information to assess risk for themselves. Given the popularity of her statistics-infused parenting books, it’s clear that many people find this approach empowering. For me, trying to determine the likelihood that a given food might harm my unborn child — and whether that risk was worth it to me — felt like a path to madness. This is how one might, hypothetically speaking, end up surfing Reddit at 4 a.m. to see what other pregnant people are saying about the safety of restaurant salads.

As you may have gathered, my particular set of neuroses are soothed by cold, hard rules. So I read Oster’s book and then followed the little handout that my doctor gave me. Because this meant erring on the conservative side of things, I am now going to detail everything that I have been fiending for recently.

Green tea: I’m a caffeine hound by nature. It’s my one real vice, which just shows you how boring I am. I gave up caffeine last summer because I wanted to see if it would help reduce my anxiety and was devastated to learn that it did. Once Critter entered the picture, I kept the anti-anxiety campaign rolling, because I figured that if there was ever a time to keep my stress levels low, this was it. HOWEVER. I will be back on my bullshit once he is born (practicing moderation… maybe), and I am so excited about it.

You’d think that I would be fantasizing about a cappuccino or an iced coffee, but what I miss most is the sencha that I used to drink every morning. I like the version sold by Rishi Tea. It’s lovely: mellow, grassy, a little umami. It gives you just the right amount of pep, restoring the light to your eyes without sending you into space. One day soon we will be reunited.

A gigantic cold brew: Despite my allegiance to green tea, I did recently inform Alex that I would murder someone for a cold brew.