You Don't Feel What You Think You Feel

What is a coping method? Think for a second, how do you cool off in the moment? Where do you go, mentally or physically to cool off? What are your strategies to cool off?? Cold water facial splash? Glass of wine? Go to a gym or run off some stressful stinkin’ thinkin’? Getting mad is natural, part of the fight or flight response. However, staying mad is a choice.

Let’s bring some insights into view as long term, stable, and meaningful strategies for future coping adventures.

Life throws garbage smack dab in your face throughout life, so investing in your improved coping mechanisms is a powerful elevater. Not an elevator, but a handy support tool as an elevate-r. By your own choice. You can do this all by yourself, for yourself, and enjoy being grateful for yourself and your journey.

One approach to addressing the red hot engine of anger is to allow yourself to discuss two elements of what happened: the initial impact that overheated your engine, and the feeling you got from the first onset. We are too complex; we feel something, then we have a feeling about that feeling. A first response might be some snippy anger, which is usually a sign of something deeper such as feeling hurt, or disrespected (pain), or abandoned (deeper pain). Getting better at recognizing the real reason for a reaction can help simmer down that first slap in the face so we can get clarity on the secondary internal reaction taking place in our own inner perspective.

For example, this week my Dad and I were discussing my current situation in a rental that has increased the rent over 25% in the last two years. My income has not increased more than 2%, hence, my dilemma. He suggested I move into a smaller place in a shitty neighborhood and get rid of half of my belongings to accommodate the cheaper place to rent. My first thought was “Are you fucking kidding me…?” I took a breath, but was still steaming inside from his flagrant disregard and flippant attitude. My first reply was, “I have 3 vehicles, a garage full of tools and camping gear and the cost of moving is prohibitive.” He said I didn’t need all that stuff, so why not get rid of most of it and move. I said that I cannot afford the movers, security deposit up front and the time off work to make that kind of move. He said that I obviously don’t want to move then he changed the subject.

In trying to calm myself down from that bullshit lack of interest in my plight, my urgent need to move somewhere else I thought about how to flip the script on him to better understand why I was so mad. I asked him point blank, “Why do you think I don’t want to move?” “Because you keep making excuses not to.” It was at that point I realized he had the problem, not so much me. Yes, I have a need to move, yes I cannot afford rent increases to this degree, and yes I am stressed about how to get out of my current rental, but his lack of empathy or assistance is HIS problem.

He probably heard the same shpiel from his dad, or didn’t have a netter suggestion about resources for cheaper moving, or whatever. I realized I am probably more capable of supporting a friend on movers, storage, roommates, or whatever else I could think of to float some ideas out to help. Not this guy.

I thought about what triggered my immediate response of incredulity and getting so instantly pissed. After looking back on what I said and percolating a more calm perspective on it, I realized why all those reasons I had sounded flimsy. Those costs are true and my guitars and kayak and snowboard and tool chests are not going anywhere. My real vulnerability is that I don’t have enough money to live where I want or enough to move out of a rental. The deeper issues are much more painful to me than the esoteric excuses I had on top of mind are not the real reasons. I reacted with an anger that stems from feeling like a failure. Two totally different feelings; anger from perceived dissing me, and then seeing that I am the cause of my own despair.

Promising myself to work on a plan to change my situation has helped me see a bit more clearly and feeling better about it, despite wanting to avoid conversations like that again with my dad.

Having someone else help with digging into these insights can be helpful, but looking inward by yourself is much more impactful. There is a technique in the DBT approach (talking about feelings to manage emotions and interpersonal relationships) that involves sussing out the inner layers and origins of in-depth feelings to understand how to tweak those feelings into a helpful thoughts to remediate them.

It is my humble opinion that taking on that external path to get at the heart of inner turmoil which is causing an outburst, while valid and helpful, seeking your own inner thoughts and feelings can help get at the source much more quickly and deeply by doing it on your own.

Having a conversation with yourself is the most effective and longer lasting gratification, rather than the short term fuzzies you get when someone else gifts you a pair of Air Jordan Chicago shoes, or Jimmy Choo Crystal slippers.

Please GIFT YOURSELF some time to sit quietly and let your prior flare-ups marinate. Just let the deeper nit and grit float into view, and see yourself for yourself on how to best handle the knee jerk response that happened and imagine the next round going a little bit better. Baby steps. You CAN do this; you can elevate by choice.