I think I quite successfully give the illusion of being an open person. While I share my words, my travels, my creative passions as publicly as I can (and while there is a lot of vulnerability in that), I try to keep the rest of my life quite close to my chest. Getting engaged shifted my private-public paradigm. It felt important to share this joyous news with my connections outside of my immediate circle, even though this did not come naturally to me, so I announced this in a mysterious post. For the first time in pretty much my whole life, I was putting the intimacy of love on display. I was taking my partner, who had been behind the lens for many important moments in the last couple of years, and putting him in front of it. What was most intriguing about this experience, however, were the reactions. People I had not spoken to for years— who I didn’t even realise were still active on social media— joined a chorus of many other voices to share their congratulations.
This meant a lot, and I was so grateful for it, because this is indeed news to celebrate, but there was also a humorous perspective. As someone who has tried to court social media attention for the last few years with my creative pursuits, and had varying degrees of success, I was intrigued by the landslide of visibility for this one post. In short, I felt like getting engaged was the one thing I had done so far that met the mark.
And I realised why the reaction was as it was: Love is universal. It is the one feeling I would say we all aspire to, in whatever form it is we want to receive it. It is the one feeling we all understand. While not everyone loves literature, or art, or travel, or African travel more specifically, or academics, or career advancement, or learning a new language, everyone loves love.
My time in Paris has itself been the perfect reflection of this. I moved here as a single person, and the subject of love literally followed me around.
An uber driver once asked me what brought me to Paris. I said it was work. He looked in the rear-view mirror and asked me if I was sure.
“Oui, pourquoi?” I said, asking him why.
“Parce que souvent c’est l’amour qui amène les gens.” Love was apparently the main reason people came to Paris.
I went to my neighbourhood dry-cleaner a year into my Paris experience, waiting as the Togolese woman who works there examined my clothes.
“Tu as quel âge?” She asked as she picked up one of my shirts.
“32,”I said.
“Tu es croyante?” She asked, squinting.
“Oui,” I told her, affirming my belief in God.
“Il faut prier à Dieu pour un bon mari, ” she said, holding my gaze. “Si Dieu te donne, il n’y a pas d’erreur mais si tu choisisses toute seule, c’est ça le problème.” She advised me to pray for a good husband; to avoid the mistake of picking one by myself. I nodded and thanked her for her wisdom.
And then there was my waxing lady, who also asked me about my relationship status. When I told her I was single at the time, she told me that I’m pretty and I have a good soul and I deserve someone good. Exactly what I needed to hear at that point, to be honest.
Love is a topic, because love is important, and it has an impact on all the other areas of life. Although it’s not an achievement in the traditional sense, it is a blessing to be able to say that you have found your person with whom you are excited to navigate this crazy life (if you’re looking for one), and you can leave the brutal dating world behind. And this is certainly what I wanted. For a moment there, while encountering the players, the narcissists, the could-be scammers, the lovebombers, the men who think equality is a joke, the ones with fragile egos, the ones who blow hot and cold, etc etc, the situation looked bleak. And what a joy it is to have left all of that behind.
However, we should make sure that we try to celebrate other aspects of people’s flourishing in the way that we celebrate an engagement, a wedding, or kids.
People shouldn’t have to wait for those specific life events to feel celebrated, seen, and championed by the ones they are connected to. When I was single, I always wanted to experience the kind of outpouring of love that my friends received during their bridal showers and weddings. To be pampered, attended to, encouraged, in this way. So much so that I endeavoured to make space for this through my birthdays. I think this is the case for others as well, and perhaps this is part of the reason that some women hold wedding ceremonies in their own honour.
Let’s celebrate each other, for finding love, yes sure, but also for other things that are arguably universal aspirations, like growing and evolving; getting through a challenge; starting something difficult; being brave; making an effort; being alive.
Do you agree that love is universal? Let me know in the comments! I would love to discuss it with you!
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