Where the boys are

[A dingy VFW hall in a small Ohio town, seemingly on the skids — poorly maintained, a few elderly drunks at the bar, some lights burned out, dusty blackout shades etc. But about 40 intense looking men —many wearing MAGA hats, some with Proud Boy neck-gaiters pulled down — sit at tables and chat animatedly.]

KID: HE’S HERE!

[They stand and cheer for Rep. MAX MILLER, the frattish Congressman who defied political convention by remaining in his reelection campaign despite evidence he’d abused his wife and daughter, as he walks in. MILLER pumps his fist, gets a shot from the bartender and knocks it back, to the kids’ excitement. MILLER goes to their table; everyone is standing.]

MILLER: What up my dawgs!

[Boys cheer.]

Good, glad you could make it out. Good to see ya.

KID #2: Hey Max, get the bartender to serve us!

MILLER: You got a license that says you’re 21?

KID #2: No but —

MILLER: Then you’re not even trying, my man.

[KIDS laugh.]

C’mon, everyone knows that. Show some initiative. OK, let’s go! How many of you guys are registered to vote?

[Very few KIDS raise their hands.]

OK. How many of you guys who are eligible to vote are registered to vote?

[Same number raise their hand.]

OK, so you guys are young, but that’s good! Because this isn’t just about the 2026 election — this is about a movement!

[Stray barks from kids.]

That’s why I came here today. I don’t want your vote. I know you’ll give it to me if you got it. What I want is for you guys to believe, not in me, but in yourselves

[Muted positive noises.]

And I don’t mean it like a politician does — like, do you agree with my policies and what I plan to do when I get back to Congress, because honestly? That’s not important. What’s important is this — the establishment tried to get me to quit because they said I didn’t treat my woman right and I said HELL NO!

[Less muted positive noises, some applause. MILLER pulls up a chair and throughout does poses with it — putting one foot up on it, straddling it, etc.]

You know, guys, this is a bad time in America. Last year we thought we had it all. Trump was back.

[A few stray shouts.]

We were crushing the libs every which way. But then things got twisted. People got confused. In New York City they elected a Muslim to be the Mayor.

[Some boos.]

Yeah. And we got another Muslim coming in Michigan. Just down the road. Too close for comfort. And women, a lot of women said, hey, Muslims are running, I should run too. And the people voting for the Muslims are voting for the women. They’re getting in! Now I gotta tell you bros, maybe you think that’s alright if a lady’s running as a Republican. Sure. How bad can it be? But did you see that Marjorie Taylor Greene? Did you?

[Crowd is mostly silent.]

Congresswoman from Georgia. Always on TV. She got in there praising Trump, wearing a MAGA hat, talking about fake news and making American great, talking the talk, right. She loved Trump. Hell — [dramatically lowering his voice] I think she wanted to fuck him!

[Laughter.]

Not a good-looking woman, either. You know? Kind of a Laura Loomer type.

[Some louder laughs — they know who she is.]

Skanks. But now! You should hear what Marjorie Taylor Greene is saying now about our President. Says he’s a pedophile, a traitor, a loser — a, a jerkoff.

[Low boos.]

That’s right. Lauren Boebert, too, she did the same thing. Candace Owens. All of them. Right? Because women, right? That’s what you gotta expect from them. I know, man, I’ve been there. I bet you know, too. Who here gets laid?

[A lot of kids raise their hands. MILLER looks disgusted.]

Don’t bullshit me, I can see in your faces that’s not true. The past month, who got laid?

[Slowly, nearly all the hands come down.]

OK. Good. Be honest. No reason not to be. Because it’s not your fault. Women lead you on. They get you all worked up. And then they cut you off! And if you say, fuck this, and go to some other woman? Thinking they’ll be different? Same deal. Because they all do it, and they encourage each other to do it. That’s what MeToo was all about. You fucked with that dude’s head, but you didn’t fuck that dude? MeToo!

[Laughter.]

They mislead you, and if you lose control, if you go ahead and try and do what you know they’ve been trying to get you to do? Or if you give ‘em a smack for leading you on? Then they cry. And sometimes they cry to the cops. I know. Believe me, I know.

[Bovine lowering sounds.]

Yeah, I could give in. I could. But I don’t. You know why? President Trump. Bitches tried to get at him, when he said what we all knew, how he could grab them by the pussy because they were all whores, they pissed and moaned and protested and demanded and you know what he said? He said hey, you know what, suck my dick, bitch!

[Some thrilling among the troops.]

And when he said suck my dick, bitch, that meant the rest of us could say it. That’s why he’s President. Suck my dick, bitch. You can say it too! Say it! Suck my dick, bitch!

[They do, several times, ending in cheers. MILLER looks pleased.]

Like I said, this is bigger than this election. I don’t know what’ll happen in November, and I don’t care. Here’s what I care about. I want all my bros to know they don’t have to put up with any femmy bullshit. Bitch gives you a hard time, tell her to suck your dick. Let ‘em know you don’t give a shit and I guarantee you, you will get laid. Because whether they know it or not, that’s what they’ve been waiting for. Men will respect you too. They’ll look at you and they’ll say, this dude is a pimp. And you’ll give it back to them. He’s a pimp too. It’s what they call a feedback loop. You and all us guys will lift each other up, dude to dude, pimp to pimp, and if some bitch comes at you, any of you, like my wife came at me, you won’t have to worry about it, because when we get to where we’re gonna get to, the judge, who is also a dude and a pimp, is gonna take one look at you and say, bang, Bitch dismissed.

[Big cheer. MILLER gets off the chair.]

Alright, my dudes, keep in touch. I got a podcast coming out, merch, HGH, peptides, keep an eye out. Remember what I told you!

[MILLER waves and leaves. The kids yell, laugh, chant “suck my dick, bitch.” A couple of them smash chairs.]