Don't Underestimate Me

I’ve never passed an exam. Not that I was stupid or ignorant. Although I was. The thing that I had convinced myself of – mostly wrongly as it happens – was that I didn’t need exams. I didn’t need to ‘know’ stuff. I thought people only have to spend ten minutes with me to know I am not an idiot. Of course, people did spend ten minutes with me and most of them thought ‘This guy is an idiot’.

Because I was. With every utterance I underlined it not in a thin pen, but in a marker which could be seen from the Moon. Every single time I opened my mouth, on any subject, I could demonstrate spectacular levels of wrong. My wisdom was unquestionable. It was unquestionable because it didn’t exist. But I was convinced I was correct and factual and fascinating. I was none of these, except perhaps the third one which was of passing interest to psychologists.

And so the years rolled on, and jobs came and went which suited someone who had succeeded in school the way a snail succeeds playing basketball. I’m not going to list them because it would be disrespectful to those doing those jobs, but they all had one thing in common. They all featured someone higher up in whatever organisation or company saying “Can I see you in my office, please?”. Often without the “please”.

It wasn’t that I was bad at these jobs. Which to be fair I probably was. But it wasn’t deliberate. If it was deliberate it would have been a lot worse. Or would it? Surely if I wasn’t trying and I sucked in whatever position I was in, if I actually tried to be appallingly incompetent, I may succeed. Doing the opposite of what I usually do may engender success? I think you know the answer. The French have a word for it. ‘Non’.

No, it wasn’t that I was bad, I just lacked direction until my direction was to the door with whatever personal items I had on my desk/in my locker/in my pockets with a security man. But the incompetence wasn’t only unique to me; one company fired me, and, while told to go and wait for the guard to see me off the premises, left me alone with the company tannoy system. That’s a level of incompetence which I can aspire to. And as managers and line managers swarmed about, trying to work out what and who had made that particular announcement, these fine Columbo wannabes never thought of the guy they had just sacked sitting next to the microphone of the tannoy system could possibly be responsible.

But the fact was none of this was sustainable. Sure, it was fun, hopping from job to job, employing a skill set smaller than a Mayfly wedding anniversary party guest list, but it didn’t ‘do’ anything. And as my peers have accelerated into science, energy, personnel and PR careers, with all the accolades and perks, I have arrived at the current time with a large collection of lanyards and badges with my name on. Presumably so I don’t forget it in the mindless drudgery. While they regale me with tales of travel and discovery, of adventure and personal growth, I can compete with my account of that time the cat threw up in my slippers.

At this point in my life, I am kind of regretful that I didn’t manage to do a single exam. I thought at the time that it was better to make people think I was stupid and thus it was easier to outwit them. It never occurred to me I might actually be stupid.

It’s been fun. But maybe not as much fun as it could have been.