Am I asleep?

It’s all perfectly normal. All of this is perfectly normal and absolutely nothing to worry about. Although I have just banged my head.

Let’s look over what has happened this week.

Firstly, America won the war. Then they didn’t. Then they did. Then they didn’t. The hokey cokey pin on the hand grenade continues meanwhile the reverberations from Melinia’s press confernce, which wasn’t so much a press conference as an endless stream of badly written lies condensed into fifteen minutes you’ll never get back. What was that? “I didn’t know him, it wasn’t me, I never met him, I never even heard of him”. Then, then she goes and threatens anyone who says otherwise with legal action. Knowing full well that’s not going to stop anything except the tenfold increase in her lawyers income. Because people won’t stop. It’s the loop. Bullshit in, bullshit out. And then she flounces off, job done. No questions, leaving unanswered the pressing issue of ‘what the fuck was that?’

Meanwhile her husband, a man who would need genetic alteration to have the same I.Q. as a tomato, thinks he’s Jesus. How in a fart in a church did he think that was a good idea? What goes on in his head? Did he really think, with 67% of his remaining base being Christian, did he really think portraying himself as Jesus was going to be a big yuck yuck? They rebelled like a teenager left alone with a bong. So he takes it down and replaces it with a picture of him and Jesus, and it looked like the Lord is giving him a reach around. What the fuck is going on?

Then or maybe between – who knows – he says “I thought I looked like a Doctor”. I don’t know what sort of doctors he’s seeing, but if you see someone glowing and dressed in robes holding out his hand, you’re probably beyond medical help. Maybe that’s it. Maybe he’s died and he’s just too stupid to realise it. Or maybe that’s what he told the women on the island. “It’s okay, it’s standard procedure”.

Then, he calls a press conference. But not just any press conference. A press conference which opens with him coming out of the white house to get a Door Dash McDonalds’ delivery. Two carrier bags. TWO. And he takes them and puts them inside the door and has his conference. Dude, your fish filet is getting cold. But I can understand that. If there’s one thing worse than cold McDonalds, it’s warm McDonalds.

See this is all jumbled in my mind but the whole thing is like a weird dream. “The President was there, said he was Jesus, blocked the Strait of Hormuz and then married Aunt Clara before they both became pancakes”.

You have a Defence Secretary who is quoting scripture, except it’s not scripture, it’s from a film. You ever wonder what film he’ll start quoting next? “An lo, Scooby and the team stood in the field, with their adversary undereth the arresteth of a local officer. And behold! Mr Carnaby the Janitor!”

Then he continues to blame NATO for not joining in a war he didn’t tell them about, and threatens to leave the whole organisation. Which is bad because now they’ll have to pay for the comedy as opposed to having it in house.

None of this is normal. And it has to stop.