Dad Adrift

I

The worse thing wasn’t attending his wife’s funeral, it was facing his only child Lindsay. It had been a very nice service at the church they barely attended. His late wife Maggie had a lot of friends, and several of them gave wonderful speeches of her award winning orchids, girl’s trips to wine country, or the special bounce of happiness that she brought to everything. Bill himself, usually so glib with words, did not speak. Lindsay spoke last, and regaled them with her stories of baking breads together, Maggie carting her around to college visits, and Maggie’s graceful toast at Steve and Lindsay’s wedding.

Next they moved to the cemetery, a dark place improbably lit by beautiful spring sunshine. Maggie’s coffin was lowered into her grave with an overpowering sense of finality. Lindsay was standing on the other side of the grave from Bill, staring straight ahead. Lindsay was in her early 30s, tall with blonde hair, and stylishly dressed in black. The guy standing next to her must be Steve, her husband of five years, whom Bill had never met. He was a tall, athletic man in his 30s, but Bill had heard that he was really just a boy.

Lindsay leaned over and spoke to Steve, Steve nodded, and he headed over to Bill.

“Excuse me on this very sad occasion, but I am Steve, Lindsay’s husband.”

“Nice to finally meet you Steve,” Bill said.

“Ah, I wanted to ask about the plans for opening the will?” Steve said.

“Can I discuss it with Lindsay?” Bill asked.

“She asked me to come over here,” Steve said.

Bill looked him over, but he was merely the messenger. “Ok, the lawyer is bringing over the will to the house at 3:00 this afternoon. Lindsay has to come in person for the reading of the will.”

“Don’t worry, we will both be there,” Steve said.

Steve went back to report to his wife.

II

Promptly at 3:00, they were all seated in Bill’s comfortable living room in his suburban ranch style home. They were Bill, Lindsay, Steve, two neighbors as witnesses, and the lawyer. The lawyer said, “I have Maggie’s will, and a letter,” which she handed to Lindsay.

“Only one letter?” Lindsay asked.

“Only one letter,” said the lawyer.

“Let’s move to the proceedings at hand,” said the lawyer. Lindsay put away her letter. The lawyer opened the will and read it aloud. Aside from some mementos for Bill, her entire estate was left to Lindsay. Bill would be reasonably solvent, but not much more. The witnesses observed the legal formalities and left, as did the lawyer.

“So, how long are you here for?” Bill asked.

“Until tomorrow night,” Steve said.

“Good, let’s find some time to talk,” Bill said.

“I can’t do it today,” Lindsay said. “We just buried Mom.”

“Ok, then, let’s have coffee tomorrow.”

“Ok, I guess we have to,” Lindsay said.

“We could come over at 10:00 tomorrow morning,” Steve said.

“With all due respect, Steve, I would like to talk to my daughter alone.”

Lindsay and Steve looked at each other.

“Ok, Dad, I will come over by myself at 10:00 tomorrow. Just don’t expect too much,” Lindsay said.

III

Bill spent the morning reminiscing about the happy times that he had had with Lindsay. After he built her a doll house, they played pretend games for weeks. When he read The Magic Tree House,” books to her, the magic came alive for both of them.. How he helped with her calculus homework, reading ahead so he could explain it. She was always very determined.

Finally, he heard her knock on the door. He restrained himself from running to open the door. When he did open it, she said a simple ‘good morning,’ and slipped through to the kitchen table. He poured them both coffee, dark roast with hazelnut cream, just the way she used to like it.

Lindsay was dressed in a white sundress, possibly for lunch with Steve after this ordeal. She looked at her coffee.

“Should I drink It?,” she asked.

“We can switch coffee cups if you are worried,” he said.

“No, that’s ok, let’s get on with it,” she said, and had a sip of coffee.

Bill drank his coffee, reveling in its rich taste, before he asked, “how are you?”

Lindsay looked at him. “Let’s skip the small talk. What do you want to talk about?”

“I wanted to say that I am sorry for what I did,” Bill said softly.

“Excuse me, I didn’t quite catch that.”

“I wanted to say that I am sorry for what I did,” said Bill.

“Good, I heard it that time,” Lindsay said. “What do you want?”

“I would really like for us to be reconciled.”

“How much do you want that?” Lindsay asked.

“More than anything in the world,” Bill said.

Lindsay took another slow sip of coffee and looked around.

“You have kept things the same, just like I was in high school,” Lindsay said.

“Yes, we did. There are a lot of memories here,” Bill said.

Lindsay frowned at him. “Yes, there are.”

After a silence, Lindsay said, “actually, I do have a question for you. Why did you do it?”

“Umm, I don’t know. It was a mistake,” Bill said.

“Come on, Father, you have to do better than that,” Lindsay said. “You blew up my whole world.”

“I didn’t mean to,” Bill said.

“But you did. What did you expect when you had an affair with my boyfriend’s mom? You managed to wreck three couples with one arrogant move,” Lindsay said.

“Three couples?” Bill said.

“Yes, you piece of shit. First, you and Mom.”

“We later reconciled,” Bill said.

“But It was never the same, was it?”

Bill said nothing.

“Second, my boyfriend Tom’s Mom and Dad,” Lindsay said. “They never got back together.”

“I didn’t mean to break them up,” Bill said.

“But you did,” Lindsay said. “And I was the one who brought that poison into their home. Ever think about my guilt?”

“You weren’t guilty,” Bill said, “it was me.”

“Easy for you to say. I have carried that guilt with me ever since.”

“Sorry.”

“Third, my relationship with Tom. He was my first boyfriend. We were in love.”

“I know that was very hard, but you were in high school.”

Lindsay stood up, enraged, “don’t talk down to me. It was a beautiful relationship and you destroyed it. You shit all over it.”

Bill put his head in his hands.

“You know, we could have gotten married,” Lindsay said. “Until you stuck your dick into it. That would have been a hell of a rehearsal dinner.”

Bill slumped down further.

“Now that I think of it,” Lindsay said while sitting down again and staring at him, “you destroyed four relationships.”

“Four,” Bill mumbled.

“Four. Our relationship. You and me.”

“That’s the worst one to lose.”

“It was very tough for me, too,” Lindsay said.

They sat in silence

“You still haven’t answered my question. Why did you do it?” Lindsay asked.

“Ugh, it’s been so long. Do we really need to dig that up again?” Bill asked.

“Yes, we do,” Lindsay said. “Why did you do it?”

“Ok, ok,” said Bill. “Well, it just kind of happened.”

“Happened how?”

“We both felt kind of ignored,” Bill said. “We had a couple of lunches to cheer each other up.”

“But it didn’t stop there,” Lindsay pressed.

“I wish that it had, but it didn’t,” said Bill. “It was so intoxicating to have someone actually listen to me. Someone who really cared about what I thought and how I felt.”

“Couldn’t you talk to Mom?” Lindsay asked.

“It used to be like that, at the beginning, but then it got too comfortable, and she got interested in other stuff,” Bill said.

“You could have stepped up and tried to bridge the gap,” Lindsay said.

“I could have, I should have, but I didn’t.” Bill paused. “Later on, afterwards, I learned that she also felt like we were moving apart.”

“Too bad you didn’t actually address the problem instead of running to someone else.”

“Yeah, too bad,” Bill said. “Do you need to hear more?”

“You mean about the sex and stuff, no,” Lindsay said. “Please spare me that.”

“Ok.”

“Did you ever think about all the damage you caused?” Lindsay asked.

“Of course I did, I’m not a monster,” Bill said.

Lindsay smiled a rueful smile. “Ever think about the marriage of your affair partner?”

“Not really,” Bill admitted. “I was too focused on trying to patch things up with Maggie.”

“You never considering moving on to the new girl?” Lindsay asked.

“No. Well, not really. I wanted to put our little family back together again.”

“You half succeeded, I guess,” said Lindsay. “Did you ever think about my relationship with Tom?”

“No, not really.”

“It didn’t seem like it. At least you are being honest now,” Lindsay said.

“At least you have Steve,” Bill said.

“Notice how I have kept you away from his family?” Lindsay said. “Of course, he’s a nice guy, but he’s no Tom.”

“Sorry for everything. I really mean that,” Bill said.

“I think you do,” said Lindsay.

They looked around the house at all the familiar things.

“You still have my high school science prize up,” Lindsay said.

“Of course, that was a very proud moment for me. It took a lot of ingenuity to invent a solar powered water filter.”

“It was fun to do. You helped me build it,” Lindsay said.

“We had some wonderful times,” Bill said.

“You know, there is something else I need to talk to you about,” Lindsay said.

Bill froze.

“About the letter I got from Mom,” Lindsay said.

“I am glad she wrote you a letter. She was always very kind and thoughtful,” Bill said.

“I wish she had written you one,” said Lindsay.

“Thanks, but she didn’t need to. We had a lot of long talks toward the end. I will always remember the things she told me,” Bill said.

“That’s good. She said many kind and wonderful things to me in her letter. She also talked about you,” Lindsay said.

“About me?”

“Yes, about you,” Lindsay said. “She said that you would be adrift without her. She said that you were a good person at heart.”

“That was exceptionally kind of her, especially given the circumstances.”

“She also asked me to try to reconcile with you.”

“Really?” Bill said.

“Yes. I wasn’t sure that I could. In fact, I told Steve it was impossible.”

“Is it?”

Lindsay sat back in her chair. “Maybe. You have been pretty honest this morning. You really want to try. I believe that. Mom was right, too. You are adrift.”

“I am. I really need to be in contact with you,” Bill said.

“Ok, here are the ground rules,” Lindsay said. “We can try talking by FaceTime every other week. Let’s keep it to small talk, what we are doing, what we are reading, trips, but no big emotional baggage. Got it?”

“Yes, yes, a thousand times yes,” Bill said.

“Don’t fuck up again,” Lindsay said. “There will be no second chance.”

“I won’t need a second chance. Thank you so much.”

They both got up and Bill hugged her tightly. Lindsay hugged him back, more loosely for now.