13 Reasons Why I'd Be A Great Romantic Partner.

Note - This is not an advert.

Or a stylish way to pump my own ego.

Not that doing either would necessarily be a bad thing, but… that’s just not what this is.

This article is… I don’t know what it is, honestly.

But you’re here reading it already, so I don’t think it matters that much.

Enjoy.

What does it mean to be “real”?

According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, to be “real” is to be - “Not artificial, fraudulent, or illusory”; or “occurring or existing in actuality”; or “behaving or presented in a way that feels true, honest, or familiar and without pretension or affectation”.

Sounds like me.

According to ChatGPT, to be “real” is to be - “Authentic, genuine, and consistent”.

That also sounds like me.

According to Pulitzer Prize-winning philosopher and critically acclaimed poet Kendrick Duckworth Lamar, “Real is responsibility. Real is taking care of your family. Real is God.”

I definitely see myself in that.

So, with these three definitions considered, I think I fall into the category of someone you’d describe as “real”.

Don’t believe me? Feel free to ask around.

The problem with most people who announce their “realness” is that, most times, they have no actions or track record to back up their claim; they just say it as a word cause it sounds “cool”.

For me, that authenticity ultimately boils down to being an honest man of your word and backing all your talk with the appropriate actions.

And in the context of a romantic situation, this attribute can be very vital.

Is doing this always easy or convenient? No.

But when it’s something you strive for at all times, that striving itself serves as enough proof that you’re someone that’s worth being with or someone that’s worth having their time, emotions, and energy committed to by another person.

And this is the first reason why I’m convinced without a doubt that I’d be an amazing partner.

Or boyfriend, or husband.

For this article, they all mean the same thing.

The fact that I’ll never ask anybody to give me what I can’t offer if I were asked to do the same is the foundational justification for all the “standards” I’ve set for myself in friendships and potential romantic connections over the years.

This is something I take very, very seriously, and, for me, it’s a non-negotiable dealbreaker.

If I’m ever asking someone for something, it’s either I’m already doing the same for them and I’d like some basic reciprocity or I’m trying to ensure there’s a mutual ground of understanding before I start to do it.

As a partner, my woman can rest assured that she’s not going to be dealing with a hypocrite who is going to be expecting the world from her whilst doing the bare minimum.

No, not here.

And this is not merely about gifts or tangible items.

If I ask for honest communication, it’s because I’m always honest when I communicate with you.

If I ask for intentionality and sacrifice, it’s because I’m always intentional about how I sacrifice for you.

If I ask for… anything at all, just know that the day you ask me to do the same, I will be willing to do so to the best of my ability, if I’m not doing it already.

When I’m in close relationships with people, I tend to move with my actions first, and then I expect some level of mutual reciprocation once I believe a certain vibe has been established.

If I don’t get it, maybe I’ll let it slide if it’s not that big of a deal.

But if it is, and I mention it, and there are not changes, well… I’m just going to take it as a sign to step back since I’m clearly now doing too much.

It’s so embarrassing to be doing something for someone and then almost having to beg for them to match your energy.

Ugh. I wouldn’t wish that on anybody.

Luckily for my woman, she will almost never have to worry about that.

Ahhh… my forte.

I think I would fall into the “strict boyfriend” category, and it makes me very proud. No shame in it at all.

In this my relatively short life so far, I have seen the worst-case and best-case scenarios that could happen when people keep things to themselves in order to avoid uncomfortable conversations and difficult feelings.

And I have also seen the worst and best scenarios of what could happen when people take that chance to have uncomfortable conversations and express difficult feelings.

Pros and cons of both angles considered, I would pick taking the chance on having the hard conversations every single time.

Especially in this context of a romantic union between two people.

In a normal, healthy situation, the worst thing that could mostly happen after having a difficult situation with your partner is that nothing will change.

And the best thing that could happen is that things could indeed change.

Anything else is tethering on the line of danger.

If after having a difficult conversation with your partner – one where you had to address some uncomfortable feelings – you’re left feeling worse than you were before, that’s a serious red flag.

And you should probably examine the situation you’re in again properly.

However, all things being equal, what’s not to embrace about this 50-50 outcome situation?

The fact that some feelings might be hurt? The fact that some tears might be shed? The fact that someone’s ego might be bruised? The fact that you might feel naked and exposed and vulnerable? The fact that you might come face-to-face with your errors and have to admit them? The fact that some compromise might have to be made? The fact that pride might need to be swallowed and apologies made?

That’s all?

Come on, is that so bad when you consider the broader picture?

Fine, I know it’s not so easy, but they are called “difficult” conversations for a reason, and the potential upsides dwarf every momentary dissonance by a ridiculous margin.

The good thing is that all these distressing feelings and emotions that make us seem like we will die during the conversation only exist in the present as the said conversation is being had.

Afterward, once everything is settled, they will often matter less and appear inconsequential in hindsight.

For me and my beautiful partner, one thing she will realise very early is that there is no running away from us talking about how we feel, especially in relation to each other.

If it will serve to make us stronger, then we will do it as often as possible and as much as is necessary.

We might cringe, we might choke on the words, and we might maybe even have puffy eyes every now and then, but as long as we address what needs to be addressed, then every uncomfortable feeling will pass and we will be better for it.

I have seen what resentment and unspoken negative feelings can do to even the best of relationships and the strongest of bonds, and I’d never, ever want to be in that situation again.

“You don’t need God to be a good person” is a statement I strongly agree with, but what happens when I have exhausted all my human tolerance?

What do I do then?

From the current state of my friendships, I can categorically say that in recent times, my stronger consciousness of God has made me a much better friend because it has held me to a higher layer of responsibility and accountability.

I still struggle every now and then, but compared to previous times, I can see the marked difference.

Nowadays I’m not just stifling harsh remarks when I’m upset or engaging in reconciliation faster simply because I want to be a good friend or because it’s so easy for me; I’m also doing it because I’m aware that God always wants me to act that way.

It involves a lot of self-denial of pride and self and ego that, on my own, I probably wouldn’t be so interested in doing.

If I yell at you or make you feel bad, I can trust my spirit to immediately convict me or to bring it back to my remembrance later, and I would, more or less, have no choice but to make amends.

Because of this consciousness I have, as a partner, my moral actions will not just be anchored to me or to my feelings or to the limits of my human will, but also to God and the strength I can draw from his help.

This is a stronger anchor than many people imagine, and, in fact, I believe it’s the whole reason Jesus spoke so much about love and forgiveness.

God should never be a justification for bad behaviour in a relationship but a conduit to always try to do better.

Having this consciousness also means I can pray for my partner when I need to and encourage her with the word of God when I need to, and we will also both have an extra person to tag along with us for spiritual activities if and when we want to.

It would be an invaluable part of our relationship.

So, can I be with someone who is not on the same spiritual wavelength as I am and is not interested in ever being there?

I highly doubt it.

This is one trait that some of the women I’ve been… involved with in the past did not like, and I really don’t understand why.

Unless the present situation calls for it, I’m not going to be talking 24/7.

I very much prefer to listen to her and the things she has to say.

I think this is a good thing because it’s the reason I’ll remember many details about even the most minute things that she has said, making it easier to reference them or act on them in the future.

It’s the reason I’ll be able to gain an express view into her mind and the way it works and the things that make her tick and cringe and get excited and happy and sad.

It’s the reason she will understand that I am a safe space and that I’m always available to listen to her when she wants to talk, cry, gist, yap, or vent.

If I can’t do any of these things as her partner, then what exactly am I doing?

It’s not like she’s always going to be doing this talking, because I absolutely love an engaging, back-and-forth conversation myself.

What I will have no interest in is always imposing my interests or opinions or perspectives on her head.

If I believe that there’s something necessary or beneficial to my words, then I will speak, but other than that, you have the floor, my love; talk to me as you wish.

Plus, speaking less gives me enough mental room to take in all the details of her face, her lips, her smile, her cheekbones, and every other visible body part that’s in action as she’s talking...

What’s there not to love?

One day, one of my friends was telling me about a situation she was in with this guy that she liked, and as she was narrating the timeline of events, I was simultaneously explaining to her what she needed to do.

In my mind, I was proud to once again be the ever-reliable, “always has the right answers” friend, so imagine my surprise when she groaned and said:

“Ughh, I don’t care, Ebun. Just allow me to finish ranting first.”

What?

That exact scenario played out again multiple times in different other ways after then, and I have come to learn over time that sometimes women just want to be listened to and to be heard and to express how they’re feeling without being presented a full spreadsheet or PowerPoint presentation on how to handle what they’re complaining about.

I get that now to some extent; I do. I see how this impulse can sometimes be misinterpreted as me being dismissive, and I understand that balance is needed.

However…

I still believe this logic-first, solution-driven mindset is one of my most redeeming qualities and one my partner would greatly benefit from, even if it doesn’t gratify her emotions every single time.

And it goes beyond just listening to her rants or emotional outbursts or complaints.

In fact, the problem isn’t even listening because, as I said earlier, I’m a great listener and I do enjoy it.

The “problem” (quoted because I really don’t think it’s one) is that I am just not the kind of guy to sit and cry with my partner in the middle of a burning house.

Some people say it’s a bad thing and brand it as “nonchalance”; some other people say it’s a good thing and brand it as “forward-thinking”, but I believe it’s a VITAL thing, and I brand it as “Why cry when we can act?”

If my partner were to call me in the middle of the night because she’s stranded and scared, my first instinct and priority would be to ensure that she’s safe and that she gets home as soon as possible.

It doesn’t mean that I won’t empathise with her or try to console her if she’s distressed; it just means I won’t do the latter at the expense of the former.

There’s no benefit to it outside of the present gratification, and in that situation, it’s best to delay that till the larger issue is solved.

But in a situation where I have to choose between an immediate “logical” response that can have me branded as “nonchalant” (getting her to safety as soon as possible)

or

an immediate “emotional” response that can have me branded as “loving and intentional” (spending minutes trying to tell her she’ll be okay),

I’ll definitely go with the “logical” one.

Maybe this example is a bit skewed because in this case I can calm her nerves by telling her she’ll be okay whilst still trying to figure out how best to get her to safety.

But let’s say I could only do ONE of the two, like choose between hanging up on her in order to call one of my friends to pick her up (logical) or staying with her on the phone because she’s scared and doesn’t want me to leave her alone by hanging up (emotional)…

It’s clear which one I’ll pick.

Like I explained in the paragraph about having difficult conversations, sometimes we just have to endure “harsh” emotional moments in order to get to the other side that will be more beneficial to us in the long term.

As a partner, I won’t be unnecessarily insensitive to the emotions of my woman, God forbid.

But in the times when I have to ignore her immediate emotional gratification to achieve something that will be more beneficial to her at a delayed pace, then I’d always be willing to do so.

Why cry when we can act?

In addition to demanding only what I can give, I also tend to sometimes do and overdo things for the people I care about.

This is the primary reason I hesitate greatly before introducing certain extra things into my relationship with people because I don’t want to be in a situation where I’m doing 100 for someone who is only doing 20.

And just to be clear, the purpose of giving and doing should never be to receive or to get back.

When I do things for people, I try to ensure that I do so from the genuineness of my heart, so in case they don’t appreciate it enough or in case something else happens and it doesn’t go as I wanted, then I won’t allow space for regret.

However, I’ve now come to that point where I’m willing to allow this trait to thrive ONLY for the people who have shown through their past and present actions that they deserve this EXTRA effort, and extra sacrifice, and extra extra that I have in mind to do for them.

And that’s why I believe that one thing my partner will enjoy the most is the fact that I’m always going to be doing the extra for her.

And why wouldn’t I?

For us to have gotten to that point, it means that I’ve decided that she’s someone who is worth all the “most” that I have to give.

And if she does do it in return, you can trust me to already be thinking of how to do even better in return again.

My ultimate love language, against all my guiding and my reservations and the scars it has caused in the past, is always going to be me pouring into the people I love.

The King James Version of the Bible calls this “longsuffering”, but I think that is a bit too extreme for what I’m trying to describe here.

It’s hard to upset me; that’s basically what I’m trying to say.

I try as much as possible to speak out when things start to bother me, so for me to get to that point of being very upset, it just means that I have been driven to the wall.

And I have a tendency to even walk away from relationships before they get me to that point.

So, as the great partner that I will be, my woman will have no yelling or outbursts to worry about, and little to no misunderstandings to contend with.

I’m a pretty chill guy, you know.

And fortunately for me, anger is not an emotion that I’m ever inclined to feel against people I care about.

Irritation? Maybe.

Annoyance? Definitely.

But I’d much rather lapse into silence than flare up into rage; exaggerated displays of emotions are just not my style.

Some people say this is a bad thing because it’s better to “express how you really feel” than to “pretend”, but I don’t think it’s pretence.

It’s just choosing to react to provoking situations with a much more reasonable reaction than shouting up and down or, even worse, reacting violently.

God forbid.

The foremost outright display of this patience is my willingness to have difficult conversations (as mentioned earlier) and to ask questions.

Unless it’s one of the rare occasions where I make an assumption (or a well-calculated inference), my default reaction to words, or actions, or statements that I do not understand is to try to understand “why”.

So I ask questions a lot.

Sometimes, it might seem like I’m prying, or like I’m trying to psycho-analyse the recipient of these questions, but the truth is… I’m just interested in knowing.

I like knowing stuff.

Knowing helps me understand, and understanding, in turn, helps me know how to act in return and as a response.

It’s why I’m so big on communication because a lot of conflict and strife will be avoided if we all just learn to speak more clearly and honestly.

My patience is definitely not up to the point of being taken for a fool but definitely to the point of consideration and understanding, and that, ladies and gentlemen, is my eighth reason.

Sometimes, I ask myself if this trait is even a good thing…

Then I remember what unforgiveness, resentment, and bitterness can do to the heart of a person, and I become grateful to God that He, at least, made this one… easy for me, to an extent.

Not “easy” in the sense that forgiving people comes without any difficultly, but in the sense that, more often than not, I’m often willing to exercise the option of forgiving a person.

Does this mean that things always return back to the way they were? Maybe not, but at least my heart and mind will be free of all strife, and being in that peaceful state of mind is invaluable to me.

Once a matter is settled and it’s out of the way, for me, that’s really it.

I might lapse into moments of silence or pull back slightly until the initial hurt has passed.

However, once it’s done, it’s really done.

I won’t hold any animosity, or worse, plan some form of “revenge”, and I will try my possible best not to reference it in the future. (Keyword = “Try”).

This is another reason why I believe that my woman and I will get along really well.

I’m not the type to be starting fights or creating unnecessary drama, and I have promised myself to never let resentment linger in my heart for too long again.

There’s a lot of peace of mind and calm over here, honestly.

That’s why I know a woman with a penchant for trouble and constant drama cannot even survive being with me; she’s more likely to bore herself to death than she is to get me to indulge in pointless melodrama.

Or let’s just say I try my possible best never to.

Why would I lie to my partner? Or why would I want to lie to my partner?

To hide things from her? To protect her feelings?

Maybe, depending on the severity of the situation, but I’ve found that even in such cases honesty still works the best.

Yes, sometimes, you might have to be delicate in your presentation to soften the impact of your words, or you might have to be tactile in your framing to prevent putting them in an uncomfortable situation, but as long as the core of your message remains the truth, it should always lead the way.

This is another reason I cannot stress enough the fact that it’s a terrible idea to be in a relationship with someone who is not on the same level of your emotional intelligence.

I’ve seen it happen to some of my guys in the past, and it’s such a terrible space to be in.

I can’t imagine being in a situation where I constantly have to lie to or be dishonest with the person I’m with just to protect her feelings or to avoid getting into an argument.

It sounds draining to have to constantly be dancing around the truth.

Part of my being real is my being honest.

Obviously, I just might not be as blunt or as direct as I’d be if I were talking to a stranger or talking to one of my guys because I have to always be very considerate of her feelings.

I’m very big on trust in all my relationships, so I hate being lied to, and I hate when people “go through the corners” to express themselves to me.

Just be honest, if I take it the wrong way, the L is on my part at the end of the day, not yours.

The long and short of it is that I really just don’t like to lie, and I think that’s a good trait to have nowadays when the general notion is that “all men are liars”.

Not me.

I might spare my partner’s feelings every now and then, but I’ll still make it my duty to always tell her the truth.

As I hope she’ll also do for me.

Gifting? Check. Affirmations? Check. Thoughtfulness? Check. Words back with action? Check. PDA? Check (non-aggressive, of course).

Notes, written letters, essays expressing love? Very obvious check.

I told myself I was going to try my best to frame this article in a manner that doesn’t sound like I’m gassing myself up, but it’s hard to not say the truth when it’s the truth.

Honestly.

Granted, I’ve not had a lot of… avenues to express this side of me in the past few years, given my self-imposed solitude and ever-increasing spiral into anti-sentimentality…

But… I promise, it’s still there.

It’s just buried deep under a lot of things I’d prefer not speak about in public view.

Alas, we, unfortunately, cannot always fight our true nature forever.

When I was in Primary 2 (2nd Grade), I had a crush named Ebube Favour, and because of how much I liked her, I let her copy my sheet in a particular exam.

For some reason, I still remember that scene so clearly.

At the end of the day, she scored higher than me and finished ahead of me overall.

What screams lover boy more than that? I do not know.

When I was in JS3 (9th Grade), I fell in love for the first time, and because of that, I confined myself to being a boarding student for almost the entire term just so I could be “closer” to her and just for the off chance of seeing her occasionally across the small fence during weekends.

It’s clear that Romeo Montague will genuinely have a hard time keeping up with me.

I shall not be sharing any recent examples.

Point is, I’m not new to this.

Every time now, I find myself suppressing the urge to go out of my way to show someone how much I care about them.

And I know the entire point, once again, isn’t reciprocity, but there’s only so much water a bucket can pour before it becomes empty.

With the love of my life though, I know I won’t have this issue.

I have plans for you, my queen, lots and lots of plans, and like I said, I’m a very patient man.

All in due time.

Anyways, I’ll just end this section here because some things are better off shown than said.

This one is self-explanatory, yes?

I’ve seen people in relationships with people who didn’t love or care about them, and it’s something I’d never wish on anybody.

And it’s something I cannot imagine putting someone through.

That’s why if the time ever comes where I’m no longer interested in being in the relationship, or I don’t think we can make it work anymore, or we’re not making any significant progress in any direction, or I don’t think I’m willing to keep trying…

Then I will opt to end the relationship so we can both move on and go our separate ways, rather than keep her in the relationship where I’d be treating her with neglect, contempt, or disregard.

Maybe less so willing in the case of marriage, but I think you get the point, and that’s just based on my convictions.

You might think this is a no-brainer, but if you are to examine some relationships around you, you’ll see a lot of patterns:

Men who do enough to keep the woman in the relationship but not enough to make her feel loved…

Women who are too scared to end relationships because of how attached they are, so they stay and endure the hardship…

Men who use words and spurts of actions to convince the woman they’re still committed, only to return back to being cold…

Women who keep convincing themselves that things will “one day” return to how they once were…

And so on like that.

I don’t want to be involved in any of that.

It’s too draining, and it’s downright unfair for anybody to do that to another person.

If I ever get to a point of being so in love with someone, then my hope is that it never ends and that we keep getting stronger.

But if the time comes where ending things with her is the best way to ease my conscience, preserve her peace, and save the both of us a world of turmoil, then I’d be willing to do it.

I just hope that if the roles were reversed, she’d be willing to do the same for me too.

Difficult as it sounds…

All the 12 things in the 12 sections that I mentioned before this one will only exist and be expressed because I will be undoubtedly, unashamedly, and irrevocably in love with the woman I am with.

I refuse to permit any other level of love for my romantic relationships.

If I am not utterly smitten by her to the point where it physically hurts to feel that way for her, or if I don’t see myself ever getting to this point with her, then there’s no way we’d even be in a relationship in the first place.

I am never, ever going to “settle”, by the special grace of God.

I won’t do it because of pressure, I won’t do it because of loneliness, and I definitely won’t do it just “for the fun of it”.

Like I said, I’m a very patient man.

I’d rather wait till the tsunami of love finds me and drenches me than to waste my time and energy splashing around in the pool simply because I want to experience the water.

For some of the women that I had to let down gently after they expressed their feelings for me (including the ones I maybe liked in return), I had to do so because I didn’t think, feel, or imagine that I’d ever get to that point of being utterly in love with her.

So, there was no point in me wasting her time or my time.

For me to be with someone, I have to like her A LOT - more than I like my ego, more than I like my solitude, and more than I like keeping my feelings to myself.

I have to like her enough to be willing to put my reservations aside, be willing to try, and be willing to do whatever it takes to make it work.

If not, there’s no point, honestly.

There’s really no point.

And, yes, I know “love alone is not enough”.

There are many other factors that come together to make a relationship thrive: Attraction, compatibility, commitment, sacrifice, value alignment, emotional intelligence, time, etc.

I know all that.

But I also know that love is the strongest force in the universe.

It can drive men to fight wars to protect their families; it can drive mothers to die for their children; it can drive the Creator of the Universe to sacrifice Himself for humanity; and it can even drive you to spend so much time reading an article as long as this one just to hear a random guy on the internet talk about it.

That’s how persuasive and invasive love can be.

One day, I will meet a woman, and love will drive me to do all the things I’ve mentioned in this article and the hundreds of other things I have left out, just for her.

It’s going to be a lot of fun to be in love again.

Not a single part of me is in a hurry, but I honestly can’t wait.

All of that being said, I don’t think I currently have any interest in being anybody’s “partner” at the moment.

This article was born more out of self-aware reflections and different experiences from the past, rather than out of an egregious attempt to wave a giant green flag to every woman who reads it.

Although I’ve never been in an “official” relationship before (I wonder why some people find this so hard to believe), I’ve had a couple of close calls in my lifetime.

Enough to know the kind of love I can give and the kind of love I deserve when the time comes.

Oh, I am definitely beyond perfect.

But one thing I’m sure about is that whilst I am a flawed, yet ever-growing, man, I am still well aware of who I am and what I can provide.

So, I might not always follow everything I’ve written down 10 out of 10 times in every given situation, but I always try my best to.

Plus, the way I am in my female friendships has given me a lot of confidence for future relationships.

At the end of the day, we all accept the love we think we deserve.

And if you don’t know the kind of love you deserve, it’s probably because you don’t know the kind of love you can give.

I wrote this article so maybe you could see yourself in it or through it, and I urge you to take some time to think about it.

Ask yourself: “What kind of love can I give, and don’t I deserve to receive this kind of love too?”

When you’re done, I guarantee that you’ll be more aware of when to stay, when to go, when to sacrifice, when to be stubborn, and what else to do when you have to make every other of those little decisions in-between.

That’s the only way you will learn how to love fully and whole-heartedly without ever losing yourself in the process.

In this life, there’s hope, and ambition, and faith, and dreams, and passion, but nothing will ever, ever beat love.

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