I’ll Make This Short: The Nostalgia Is Full-Sized, The Pie Is Not

McDonald’s shrank the fried apple pie, we assembled the fast-food trifecta, and Costco found the most American possible way to sell bourbon.

McDonald’s brought back the fried apple pie, and the flavor is exactly what the Gen X kid in me remembers.

The flaky shell. The bubbling crust. The molten apple filling capable of removing the roof of your mouth.

But this thing is tiny. It is not an apple pie. It is an apple pie egg roll.

Shrinkflation is real, ladies and gentlemen. The nostalgia is full-sized. The pie is not.

What are the three best items from the big three fast-food chains?

McDonald’s fried apple pie.

A Wendy’s Frosty.

Burger King onion rings.

That, ladies and gentlemen, is the fast-food trifecta. And honestly? That would not suck at all.

You could add a Chick-fil-A iced tea, but Tony prefers not to.

Oh, he said it. America is 250 years old, and he doesn’t have to hold his tongue for anybody.

It’s a great day to be an American… and to eat hot apple pie.

Costco is selling a 6-year-old bourbon in a collectible glass decanter shaped like an eagle, and it is magnificent.

Tony saw it and turned into a kid on Christmas morning.

It’s a clear glass eagle filled with bourbon, likely an Indiana product, and every part of it screams America.

The best part, of course, is how you drink it.

You pull the stopper by ripping off the eagle’s head.

That’s right. Costco is selling a bourbon decanter that basically says: behold the majesty... then decapitate it and pour a drink.

God bless this country.

The pie got smaller, the bourbon got an eagle, and America is still doing just fine.