Friends, foes, and other h*es,
Yo! It’s KB, and damnit I am TIRED. For the past month, I’ve been moving from Vegas to the Bay for my new job. I’m very excited to be here but very, very tired lol.
I’ve been tired, too, of getting rejections lol. As a writer, I know that it’s a thing that I signed up for, but damn, knowing that doesn’t always stick! If you’re a creative of any kind, you likely have had some run-ins with rejection, and I’m here to say SAME. In this newsletter, I’ll talk about what I call the “post-rejection slump” and how I’ve gotten out of it in the past.
But first, some updates.
I’m partnering with Seattle Voice Lab, Ben Greene , and Dany Gonzalez to host “Pride Everlasting: The History of Trans Joy Outlasting Oppression.” It’s virtual, and you should comethru!
I’m the virtual feature this month at Port Veritas, a monthly open mic in Portland, Maine! I’m challenging myself to read a set of stuff only from my new poetry book in-progress. Join us!
Have you found yourself stuck on exactly how to write an essay or memoir? Have you felt hung up on the form, or felt bored by your own language? If this is you, RSVP for my class “Let’s Get Weird: Reading and Writing Non-Normative Nonfiction” with the McCormack Writing Center here!
I wrote a piece about vaginal atrophy and bottoming with Autostraddle here. I’ve been surprised by how much my video about it has popped off on Instagram and TikTok (see below)!
Who knew (I did) that so many people were affected by this!
I wrote about touring red states as a trans author with GayCities here!
Did I tell y’all that I’m in my fiction bag yet? Here’s my new short story about three Black butch lesbians going to the mall in the early 2000’s here. Shout out to Beestung for publishing it!
Another excerpt of Pretty got published in Queerty here. This one’s all about a hookup I had back when I was in my “idk if I’m gay” era lol.
So. I recognize that I just told you to check out four of my published pieces, BUT HEAR ME OUT: I know a thing or two about rejection.
I’ve been tracking my submissions to literary magazines, presses, residencies, fellowships, and such since 2015. Since then, I’ve gotten 679 rejections, 196 acceptances, and 124 withdrawals (i.e. I withdrew my submission before they got back to me). This is not counting stuff I have in-progress nor stuff sent through my agent.
Let me rephrase this: out of the 999 submissions I’ve sent over 11 years, ~68% of them have ended in rejections.
679 rejections means 679 times I opened my email or answered a phone call and got a “we regret to inform you” type of response (or, in 138 cases, no response at all lol). And let’s not get it twisted: I still get rejections to this day! They’re for bigger things than 2015 KB was sending to, but they’re rejections nonetheless.
I’ve replied to rejection in all kinds of ways over time. I’ve been like “thank you, next” and I’ve also ben like “damn, I really wanted that.” I’ve laughed. I’ve cried. I’ve (privately) crashed out. You name it, I’ve felt it when that “we wish you the best!” email hits my line lol.
The worst response one can have to rejection, though, is to stop going.
Rejection is a practice in getting hit and getting back up. Sometimes, inevitably, you’re dealt a blow so severe that you may stay down for a minute. I got a no for something I really wanted about a month ago, and though I didn’t say as much out loud, I knew it affected me. My submissions went from three a week, to one a week, to not submitting anything at all. I started missing deadlines and not trusting in my literary voice. I was writing less, wanting to write less. “But KB, aren’t you the one that tells people to stay in the game?” I said to myself. “Aren’t you the one that your friends call hard-working and relentless?” All that is true, but I still have feelings. Every now and then, I still get a rejection that knocks the wind out of my lungs. The post-rejection slump hit me HARD.
So, instead of trying to push through it or trying to avoid it completely, I just let myself feel my feelings. I vented to my therapist about it and realized that it was the first time I’d let myself truly want something and believe that I could have it in a while. I took a walk outside. I mourned this goal that I didn’t meet, and reminded myself that it would happen when it is supposed to. I reminded myself why I write. I read a few books, did some edits, commiserated with some other writer-friends who affirmed me and (when I needed it) told me to get a grip. I adjusted my calendar to intentionally make more time to write and submit.
After some stumbling and mending of wounds, I got up.
I say all this to acknowledge that yes, rejections suck! They are prohibitive and, at worst, make you question why you even bother with all this in the first place. But you do this shit cause you love it, right? You do it cause you have something to say and people who want to hear it.
No rejection will get me off of this path that is, I believe, for me. No rejection is bigger than the stories that I’m born to tell. And the feeling of acceptance? That ~20% of the time that I’ve felt it?! NOTHING beats that. No rejection is bigger than the sense of fulfillment that I’ve gotten from the books, fellowships, magazine publications, awards, and otherwise. I only got those things cause I didn’t retire my jersey and say “all is lost.” I have you, here reading this newsletter, cause I got back in the game.
(Though I am rooting for the Spurs, I cannot deny that this was a great tip-in. If the Knicks gave up when they were down, then we wouldn’t have this clip.)
That’s it & that’s all! I hope this newsletter gave you some ways to respond to the post-rejection slump. Till next time!
Love, Peace, & Chicken Grease,
KB
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