There’s this 8-month-old indie dog,” G texted last evening. “Toilet trained, vaccinated, spayed. Perfect for a first-time pet parent.”
My immediate reaction: “Nope! Not right now.”
Not “let me think about it.” Not “tell me more.” Just… nope.
Which is weird, because I love dogs. I love the idea of having one. I talk about wanting one. But the moment there’s an actual dog, an actual decision, I manufacture reasons.
We might travel in the next few months. L might move for her studies. Female dogs have periods - complications for first-timers. Sleep will suffer. Money’s tight. Neighborhood dogs might be aggressive during walks. Our long-term plans are uncertain.
All valid. All logical. All excuses.
Because if I really did want the dog, I think think I should be able to figure out the travel thing.
Someone asks for money on the street and my brain immediately pulls on one or more of below threads:
I don’t have change (usually true)
They do this professionally, that kid isn’t even theirs
Why me, why not that local-looking guy? Do I look gullible?
They’re perfectly able-bodied, why don’t they work? I wish there was something fair to ask them of, say worth 10 or 20 or 50 bucks and I could pay them fairly right now.
I can’t help everyone who asks
How do I know their story is genuine?
Shouldn’t the government handle this?
Are they really blind or just performing?
Noble thoughts about helping, empathy, concern yada yada. But my actions? Conversations with myself while the person moves away. The gap between what I think I am (generous, caring) and what I actually do is actually quite wide.
L does better. She goes out of her way. Sometimes even making trips specifically to give, to help and volunteer. Her delta is smaller.
About how everyone interesting to me has their thing. L with mental health and her work on democratizing access. G with writing and pets and murder mysteries and Agatha Christie. Sunaina with dance. Karthik himself with trading and community building. I could go on and on.
And me? I’m obsessed about not having an obsession.
I’m worried I don’t have my “work” - something developing into a career or community I built or whatever. So I’m actively looking for the right obsession. Researching and prioritizing steps to find one.
Which is stupid for at least two reasons:
That’s not how obsessions work. You don’t go looking for rabbit holes. You keep trying things till something pulls you in.
Looking for the right obsession means putting off the actual obsessing part. Because obsessing IS the action. You READ murder mysteries, you WRITE, you TRADE, you DANCE, you MEET people to help them. If I’m still researching which thing to obsess about, I’m not really doing.. anything. And that’s not how I want to operate.
Not being tied to something - a pet, children, a house, a cause, an obsession - gives me flexibility to do everything else. But it also takes away the compulsion or urgency to do something. So I often end up doing nothing else.
The people I envy are TIED to things. They gave up flexibility for clarity and vigor that comes from commitment and routine toward a thing you care about.
They chose dogs despite travel complications, obsessed about software / hardware freedom despite opportunity cost and experiments. Or even something as bog-standard as rearing up their kids or pursuing that next promotion.
And they all have that thing I don;t: a direction.
Instead I have all the flexibility. And I’m exhausted. And kind of bored.
It’s January. Everyone’s making commitments. New habits, new goals, new year new me. Everyone’s asking “what’s your focus this year?” or “what are you committing to?” Usually my answer has been wishy-washy or even scoffing at the very idea of new-year resolutions.
But now I think that more than mocking it I have been envious of that new year energy everyone has of a commitment, the “this is what I’m doing” focus. Because at least they’re choosing something.
Meanwhile I’m doing a lot of nothing. Very flexibly :D
As I argued: “Done begets done.” Ergo, nothing begets nothing.
Next time G mentions opportunity for dog sitting or dog-boarding, maybe I’ll say yes before my brain gets to reasons.
Maybe I’ll stop researching obsessions and just obsess about something for a month. See what happens.
Maybe when the next beggar asks, I’ll give whatever change I have instead of calculating fairness and impact.
Maybe.
Still figuring this out. But at least now I’m noticing what I’m actually avoiding.
That feels like something.
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