Americans Want to Have Their Cake and Eat It Too

Oh, I’m sorry. Does your private burrito taxi cost too much? Did you have to pay double what you otherwise would’ve had to pay if you managed to drag your fat ass off the couch and go get it yourself? The guac costs extra, can you believe that? Yeah, I can, actually. Lots of things cost extra. Like leg room on an airplane and a car that can comfortably fit eight people. Hey, you know what else costs extra? Paying people to make food for you.

See, here’s the problem. You don’t want a burrito that costs less than $20. You want this specific burrito—the one that’s size of a chihuahua and weighs almost as much—to cost less than $20. You don’t want that shitty burrito over there. You don’t want some cheap frozen burrito you had to reheat in your toaster oven. No, you want this freshly-made, delicious, saucy, massive burrito. And you want it now. And you want it to cost nothing. Fuck it, why stop at the delivery driver? Why not have some poor shmuck feed it to you? Funnel it down your gullet like you’re some Roman aristocrat lying back on a couch while a castrated boy servant slowly lowers the grapes into your mouth.

Forget about being born with a silver spoon in your mouth. The average American was born with a full set of sterling silverware shoved up their rectal cavity. The silver leaked into their body, breaking the blood-brain barrier, and now they can’t help but look around and wonder why their McMansions aren’t more affordable. Have you seen the price on a new SUV? I haven’t, but I assume it costs a lot. You are buying a brand new car, after all, and it’s the size of a WW1 tank. My modest four-bedroom home costs $2,400 a month! Is it modest, or does it have a master bathroom? Because walk-in closets aren’t “modest.” Did you know that? Did you know two-car garages aren’t a birthright?

I see people complaining about how unaffordable middle-class lifestyles are these days, but by “unaffordable” they mean they’re maxing out their 401k contributions and going on two vacations a year. Apparently paycheck to paycheck stopped meaning you spent your last dollar on food before earning enough to feed yourself again. Today, people are living paycheck to paycheck* (terms and conditions apply). You look at the fine print at the bottom of the page and those people drop $7,000 into their Roth IRA every January and regularly donate to their favorite charity. That’s not unaffordable, folks! You’re affording everything!

You think people in the ‘50s were investing in a retirement index fund? You think the women making whatever Jell-O salad was in fashion at the time got fast fashion clothing delivered to their doorstep through next-day shipping? Their diets were 80% canned foods, and you’re complaining about the price of convenience. You ever shit in an outhouse? They used to do that, you know. Not only are you taking the plumbing for granted, you’re upset that the vanity doesn’t have double basins.

Americans want to have their cake and eat it too. They want everything given to them and they want to pay nothing for it. Their standards are so inflated that paying a couple hundred bucks for an annual Christmas photoshoot is just an expectation. What, I’m supposed to go without sending Christmas cards? If you’re poor, yeah! That’s just how the world works. Either you can afford to spend extra on guac at Chipotle or you can’t. If you can’t, then don’t. If you can, then what are you complaining about? No one owes you free guac. Free guac isn’t written in the Constitution. It’s just Qdoba’s business model.

As someone originally from outside the US, this pisses me off to no end. I am so sick and tired of hearing moaning about how incredibly hard it is to be a member of the wealthiest population in human history. The entitlement is out of control. You don’t want a house, you want that house. You don’t want a car, you want that car. You’re unwilling to buy ingredients and cook for yourself like every single one of your ancestors had to do. No, you want a couple Mexicans getting paid $15/hour to make that burrito for you. What’d you expect it to cost?

Things cost money, people. I don’t know what to tell you. If you’re trying to tell me that you can’t make ends meet on $190,000/year, I’m gonna need to see some receipts. I’m gonna need that budget breakdown. This seems like a skill issue. What’s that line item there? Investing in your children’s college funds? Doesn’t sound like you’re living rough, my friend. Seems like you’ve got so much dough you can afford something actual poor people can’t even conceive of. What’s the next line item? That better not be some totally optional garbage no one forced you to buy.

Admit it, you don’t know real financial struggle. If you did, you wouldn’t be complaining that renting a play cafe costs a lot. You’d understand that life in the real world is full of tradeoffs, and that you’re trading money for goodie bags to give away to all the attendees so you can show off to the other parents. If you were really struggling, you’d be buying white rice in bulk instead of making yourself look like a fool on the internet. You’d be hunkered down, waiting out the storm. That’s what millions of people are doing outside the US. Those people get to complain about how tough it is to make ends meet, not you. You’ve got it made, pal. You had it handed to you.

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