The Problem With Good Parents

There’s a stereotype about therapy: That it’s a place where people go to complain about their parents.

There’s also a stereotype about therapists: That they try to take the place of their clients’ moms or dads.

So, let me say this loud and clear: That’s not what my work with twentysomethings is about. At all.

In fact, I’ll say that one of my goals when I’m working with twentysomethings is to help them have good (or better) relationships with their folks. That’s usually pretty easy because, most often, it’s what my clients and their parents want too.

Across twenty-five years of working with twentysomethings—and thousands of conversations—I can confidently say that most of my clients have had “good” parents. Their moms and/or dads are good people who care about their kids and want the best for them. Even when those parents handle new things—like coming out or messy divorces or sibling rivalries or midlife crises or college struggles—in a less-than-perfect way, their kids are pretty darn understanding (in my office anyway). They tell me they like their parents, and they tend to give them grace.

Of course, some of my clients have had “bad” parents. Some were abusive. Some deserted their kids. Some were addicted to alcohol or drugs. Without a doubt, those twentysomethings had more difficult childhoods than my more fortunate clients, and without parental guidance and support, their twenties are extremely stressful too.

That said, one thing I have noticed: Twentysomethings who’ve “bad” parents live their twenties with relative abandon. They have nothing to lose and nowhere to go but up. They’re outperforming their parents simply by being average. They’re exceeding expectations just by getting by. They don’t care as much what their parents think of them because they stopped listening to them long ago. They don’t worry that their parents are losing sleep over them because they probably aren’t. They don’t stress over making mistakes because no one is watching.

It’s kind of like when an athlete wins that first big tournament. No one expects them to do well, so they play free. Once people expect you to hoist the trophy, there’s pressure to win all the time.

Likewise, when twentysomethings have good parents, people expect them to do well. It’s the proverbial “good problem to have,” not wanting to let down the people you love.

These are the things my clients with “good” parents say: