Walk and Talk: The Spotlight Effect and How it Shows Up in Our Parenting

Okay, so for today’s walk and talk, this is going to be rather short because I don’t know—I just, this is kind of what I’ve been thinking about. But this, I feel like, is advice that is applicable to many, many things.

So one of the most interesting classes that I took in college—which is why I love that you have to do gen-eds—was a sociology class. It was fantastic. For a couple of reasons. One—this is just an aside—but one of the books that we had to read was called “Second Shift.” And it was about how women—whenever they join the workforce—they didn’t get the same experience men did in terms of, like, you go to work and then you come home and, you know, the food is made, the house is clean, the kids are bathed or whatever.

And so whenever women went home, they had to clock in for their second shift, which was the home stuff. And it was just how I learned about, like, the mental load. And honestly, I think one of the biggest things that kinda shifted me away from the belief system that I was raised in, which was a conservative Republican Catholic mindset, was really a catalyst for me being very liberal.

But, anyway, in this class, one of the other topics he talked about was called the “Spotlight effect.” And the spotlight effect is that we all perceive ourselves as walking around with a spotlight on us. Whether that is self-absorbedness, or what I think of it more as, is that we think other people are watching us as if we are on stage in front of an audience with a spotlight on us. And they are critiquing, they are judging, they are evaluating your performance, your abilities. We all think that that is how we’re seen whenever we wear a new shirt, or we try a new haircut, or where this is going, our kid is having a meltdown somewhere in public.

We have the spotlight effect where we think people walking by us are judging us based on our kid having a tantrum because we see ourselves with this spotlight. When in reality, if you think about—like, try to remember an instance where you saw a kid throwing a fit and the parent was just kind of waiting and was like, “Hey, I get it. You’re upset.” Versus a parent who has a really big reaction. Which one do you remember more, or do you even remember any? I personally—and maybe this is just because of what I do—but I could not ever tell you a time that I remember being out in public, minding my own business and even noticing, registering, let alone creating a memory of a kid having a meltdown.

And I think that is an important thing to think about from that perspective of like, “Have I ever given a shit about someone else’s kid in public?” Or what is my typical reaction? Which mine is usually like, “Man, that poor fucking parent. Been there, done that!” And not one of judgment. Maybe this is just because I am an inherently non-judgmental person, but I think it’s important to remember that most people are not going to remember your kid having a tantrum, let alone your parenting reaction. And your parenting response—strangers are not gonna give two shits, not gonna think about it. But you know, who will? Is your kid.

So in those moments in public where you think, “Oh my god, everyone’s judging me and thinking of how I’m responding to this, and my kids being so disruptive and everyone hates me,” or whatever.

And maybe this isn’t you, and this is not applicable at all. Which, in this case, you skip it.

But if that is how you feel whenever your kid has a public meltdown, and you’re like, “I just want this to stop.” It’s usually from this sense of shame around being perceived as inadequate or failing in some sense. And that’s not at all what it is. That’s the spotlight effect and just other things usually at play. So it’s just kind of a reminder that no one really gives a shit, and we are going to be more critical of ourselves than anyone else possibly could.

So in the moment, if your kid is having a meltdown, just remember what the spotlight effect is, and that most people aren’t paying attention, and who actually matters is the kid in front of you. Respond in the way that that child needs, as opposed to what the public around you—either your perception, or if people are making snide comments, like, fuck them— focus on the person in front of you.

And also, if you wanna wear that shirt or get that haircut or whatever, do it. Because once again, the spotlight effect—it will be much more noticeable to you than anyone else.

And there you go. Okay, bye!