Why Kids Tattle (And What Actually Helps)

“He pushed me!” “She won’t let me have a turn!” “They’re being mean!”

Tattling involves one child reporting another child’s misbehavior to someone else, almost always an adult. It’s one of the most annoying things kids do. It’s also extremely common.

Researchers at Queen’s University Belfast spent 66 hours observing 40 preschoolers (ages 3–4) across 30 days and documented 354 instances of tattling. Pity those poor teachers!

• Average rate: just over one tattling report per child, per day

• Range: anywhere from zero to more than six reports a day for individual kids

The most common topics were property disputes, physical aggression, and rule violations.

Here’s the surprising part: of the reports that could be verified, 90% were true. Most of the rest weren’t lies; they were kids mistaking an accident for deliberate meanness. Preschoolers can and do lie sometimes, but tattling itself is rarely one of those times.

• About 75% of tattling was aimed at getting help and/or getting the other child in trouble

• Another 16% was about enforcing a rule

The short answer: it works.

In the same study, teachers responded to tattling by:

• Supporting the tattler (intervening or suggesting a solution): 47% of cases

• Acknowledging the complaint (listening, or saying they’d follow up later) — 22% of cases

• Responding neutrally (asking questions, making excuses for the other child, or ignoring it) — about a third of cases

• Reprimanding the tattler or both kids — rare, each of these were only about 3% of cases

Add it up: a tattling child has a 69% chance of getting a positive response and a 94% chance of getting either a positive or a neutral one. No wonder they keep doing it!

But there’s a deeper reason behind tattling. Tattling is a stepping stone in kids’ social development. It sits between physical aggression and more mature ways of solving problems. During a conflict,

• A 2-year-old in conflict is likely to hit or yell

• A preschooler tattles

• An 8- to 11-year-old gossips about the offender

• Teens become increasingly able to disengage or negotiate directly.

So, children who tattle have learned enough social-emotional skills to hold themselves back from hitting, but not enough to solve problems on their own.

Tattling also shows kids are starting to understand right and wrong, or at least starting to predict what brings adult disapproval. As they get older, kids consider peer reactions as well as adult responses. One study found that 6- to 7-year-olds thought it was fine to tattle about any wrongdoing, while 8- to 10-year-olds started distinguishing between serious issues (like stealing) and trivial ones (like not finishing their vegetables at lunch).

By upper elementary school, kids who tattle too much start getting labeled “snitches” or “tattletales” by their peers. Another study of 12- to 18-year-old boys found that kids who tattled a lot were less well-liked by their peers. Causing unnecessary trouble for a peer isn’t a great way to make or keep friends!

When we understand tattling as a developmental stepping stone, that suggests some practical ways to support kids growing ability to handle conflicts with peers:

1. Offer empathy first
A simple “It bothers you when he does that” acknowledges the self-control your child is already showing by not hitting. With younger kids, you might also ask, “Do you need a hug?” Unless it’s serious, try not to jump straight to solving it for them because that teaches kids that adult intervention is the best and only way to handle conflict with peers.

2. Help them tell the difference between telling and tattling
Telling is about solving a serious problem. Tattling is just trying to get a peer in trouble. A few questions to help your child sort which one they’re doing:

• Will anyone get hurt?

• Will anything get broken?

• Have you tried two ways to solve it on your own?

If the answer to all three is no, it’s probably not something that needs adult involvement.

3. Coach direct problem-solving
Tattling children want the adult to take action. Instead of leaping in to rescue them, we can ask questions to help kids think through how they might handle it themselves. For instance, you could ask:

• “What could you do to solve this?”

• “What could you say to her?”

• “What else could you try?”

• “What can you do while you’re waiting?”

• “What can you do if he won’t listen?”

• “How do you think she’ll react if you do that?”

Warm wishes,
Dr. Eileen