Hi there,
The relationship between a teacher and a student can be important and deeply caring. But it’s not a friendship. Friendship is a relationship between equals, and a teacher-student relationship is not equal.
In this week’s episode of Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic, Erik asks a heartfelt but complicated question about an upsetting interaction with a beloved teacher. It brought up a lot of important topics, including how friendship is different from other caring relationships, how different people have different perspectives, and how to be a good sport.
Have you or your child had a special teacher? Please tell me about it in the comments!
Warm wishes,
Dr. Eileen
P.S. Scroll down for an easy-to-read podcast TRANSCRIPT, DISCUSSION QUESTIONS, and how to submit YOUR CHILD’S QUESTION.
Ep. 75: Upset when he loses a game (Alex, Age 10)
Ep. 140 - Friend lies and boasts (Martha, Age 9)
Ep. 20 - Lying friend (Anna, Age 9)
Here are three ways you can support it:
Send in your child’s question!!!
Post a review on the Apple Podcasts app or your favorite podcast platform.
Become a paid subscriber to help keep the podcast free for everyone. (You’ll get $20 off an online workshop each month plus additional posts for parents.)
Use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:
their FIRST NAME (or another first name),
their AGE, and
a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)
Submit the audio file at https://DrFriendtastic.com/submit. I’ll answer as many questions as I can. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)
For a quick and easy FRIENDSHIP LESSON, play the podcast up to the end of the kid’s question, then ask your child/students what advice they’d give. Play my answer, then use the discussion questions below to deepen your child’s/students’ understanding.
Students and teachers can have important and deeply caring relationships, but they can’t be friends. Why not?
What is the lesson of the story about three blind men describing an elephant?
How might understanding that different people can have different views about the same situation or event help you deal with a friendship rough spot?
Why do players in a sport agree to go along with what the umpire decides, even if they don’t agree?
Dr. Friendtastic said, “We can’t always win a game, but we can always win the fun.” How do you win the fun while playing with friends?
Can you tell whether these statements are true or false?
1) Sharks lived on Earth about 65 million years before trees existed.
That’s true!
How about this one:
2) Hummingbirds can fly backward.
That’s also true!
Let’s do one more:
3) Cows have “best friends” and get stressed when they’re separated from them.
That’s true, too.
All of those statements involve facts with evidence that can be checked. That’s how we know if they’re true or false. In friendships and other relationships, knowing what’s true or false can be more complicated. Often it depends on people’s perspective or how they view things.
Take a listen.
(Music & Intro)
Hi there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ. Each week, on the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast, I answer a question from a kid about making and keeping friends.
If you have a question you’d like me to answer, you can send it in at DrFriendtastic.com/submit.
Here’s today’s question:
Hello, I’m Erik, and I’m 7 years old. What should I do if I have a teacher who’s my friend, but then they support a false story to get me out in a game?
Hi, Erik. Thanks for sending in your question! It sounds like you’re feeling very frustrated and maybe even betrayed because the teacher believed someone else and said you were out.
This was especially hard because you have a special relationship with this teacher. You’re fond of this teacher, and I’m guessing the teacher is very fond of you, too.
We expect friends to be on our side, no matter what. It hurts if they’re not! So, I can understand why the teacher not taking your side was upsetting.
But wait a second: A friendship is a relationship between equals. A teacher is not your equal. Just like your parents or grandparents, teachers are in charge of you. They tell you want to do, and you’re supposed to listen. That means you can have a very close and caring relationship with teachers, but you can’t be friends with them.
This might be hard to accept, but it’s important because it means the teacher has a different perspective on things than a friend would. The teacher is responsible for you and also for the other kids. I’m sure this teacher thought about what you want, but teachers also have to think about other things like the rules and general fairness and what other kids want and what’s been done in the past and what might happen in the future and what the schedule is and what kids need to learn and so much more!
You mentioned that the teacher supported a false story. From your perspective, that story doesn’t match what you believe is true. But different people can observe the same thing and interpret it differently.
There’s a classic story of three blind men describing an elephant. One touches the elephant’s leg and says, “It’s like a tree.” The second touches its trunk and says, “It’s like a snake.” The third touches its side and says, “It’s like a wall.” Who’s right? They all are, from their perspective. Sometimes we can combine several perspectives to understand the bigger picture or deeper truth.
You didn’t want to be out. I get that! But maybe, from the teacher’s perspective, it looked like you were out. Or maybe the teacher was focused on a broader concern, which is the goal of everyone having fun together. Maybe that goal was more important to the teacher than whether one particular kid at one particular moment was out or not.
In sports, there’s often an umpire who makes the call about who or what is out. That helps get around the problem of different perspectives, because everyone playing agrees to go along with what the umpire decides (even if they disagree). They do this to minimize arguments and keep the game fair and fun.
Even though the teacher made a decision that you didn’t like, I still believe that teacher is very fond of you. I also believe that you’re strong enough to handle the few seconds of disappointment that come from being out, even if you don’t agree with the call.
So, what should you do if the grown-up in charge says you’re out? It’s difficult, but your best choice is to avoid arguing and just say ok, then move along, and continue playing or cheering for your teammates. I bet your teacher would be very proud of you if you did that!
We can’t always win a game, but we can always win the fun just by having a good time playing together. Maybe that’s what your teacher hoped you would discover.
This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.
Parents, check the show notes for a link to get my free guide featuring 12 ways to help your child make friends.
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The Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter and the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation. I trust you to use your judgment about what’s right for your child and your family.
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