I am taking some much needed respite this month and will be sharing posts from the archives. This one is from a speech that I delivered last fall at New Brunswick Theological Seminary’s The Well Conference. It is about community and the importance of nurturing relationships, something that I’m being very intentional about this summer.
Unpopular opinion: I despise Vickie Winans’s song, “Long as I Got King Jesus.” It’s not the rhythm or singing that bothers me, cause there is no doubt that sis can saaaaaang. And I’m definitely going to bounce to that rhythm. But the lyrics, or rather, the theology behind the lyrics? They’re problematic.
Don’t get me wrong. I get that the lyrics belong to someone who has been through some things. The singer has been “lied on, cheated, talked about, mistreated, [she’s] been used, scorned, talked about sore as bone.” She can’t depend on anybody, not her “father, mother, sister, brother, no doctor nor lawyer, no preacher, no teacher.” She’s tried people and they keep letting her down. So she’s throwing in the towel. From now on, it’s all about her and Jesus. Jesus will be her burden bearer and heavy load sharer, her bridge over water, her doctor and lawyer, her friend and mother. Jesus is her everything. As long as she’s got King Jesus, she don’t need nobody else.
The creation account in Genesis problematizes this song a bit (actually a lot). The creation narrative starts with God creating form out of formlessness: separating light from darkness, sky from water, and earth from land. Then God fills and regulates the form with plants and creatures of all kinds, and with sun, moon, days, and seasons. On the sixth day, God looks at the world that They’ve created and says, “somebody needs to be responsible for all this.” So God creates humanity.
Now in Genesis 1, the creation of male and female happens at the same time. But in Genesis 2, God first creates one human – genderless and undifferentiated – and then realizes “It’s not good that the human is alone. I will make him a helper that is perfect for him.” What’s striking is God the Father does not send God the Son at that time. Maybe it’s because the Three-in-One knew the value of relationship among equals. The perfect companion for the human is another human, not a carbon copy of the human but one who has their distinct biology and personality. It is then that Adamah becomes Adam and his partner becomes Eve.
Now Vickie Winans is right about something: people will let you down. From the moment that humanity was created, things started going downhill: temptation, envy, murder, corruption, and violence filled the earth. And that was just among the people who were related to each other: Adam and Eve, Cain and Abel, Jacob and Esau. It was a hot mess.
The thing is, God already knew that it would be. God knew that the creation of humanity would introduce chaos, conflict, and injustice into the world. God knew that people would be messy, that we would use our free will to turn away from Them and from one another. God knew that we would disappoint and hurt each other, that we would disappoint and hurt God. Yet God created us anyway, because They knew that community, belonging, and love are worth the cost of relationship. And relationships are critical to who we are as humans. Throughout the wisdom literature, there are multiple scriptures about the value of relationships. The writer of Ecclesiastes, for example, says:
Two are better than one because they have a good return for their hard work. If either should fall, one can pick up the other. But how miserable are those who fall and don’t have a companion to help them up! Also, if two lie down together, they can stay warm. But how can anyone stay warm alone? Also, one can be overpowered, but two together can put up resistance. A three-ply cord doesn’t easily snap (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12).
Somehow, though, we have convinced ourselves that being grown-up, being a good disciple, is connected to how well we can go life alone. This is a new phenomenon. Only recently in human history have we begun to think that relationships are optional. For most of human history, survival depended upon being embedded in relationships, both family relationships and friendships. Industrialization and individualism have tricked us into thinking that we do not need one another, that we can simply buy everything that we need to survive, that we should survive on our own.
It’s an idea that has made us the most isolated and lonely people in the history of the world. The World Health Organization now recognizes social isolation and loneliness as a global public health crisis, one that exists across cultures and age groups (especially among adolescents and the elderly). Health researchers have found that social isolation increases the risk of physical and mental health problems such as cardiovascular disease, type 2 diabetes, chronic pain and fatigue, depression, anxiety, suicidal ideation, and self-harm.
The paradox of being a religious leader is that we work in places that take community life seriously, but we often do not get to experience the full benefit of community. We are surrounded by people all the time, some of whom care for us deeply, but we do not have relationships that are mutually beneficial. We lack true community.
In The Different Drum, psychiatrist and bestselling author M. Scott Peck defines community as “a group of individuals who have learned how to communicate honestly with each other, whose relationships go deeper than their masks of composure, and who have developed some significant commitment to ‘rejoice together, mourn together,’ and to ‘delight in each other, and make each other’s conditions our own.”1
In true community, we feel safe, we feel valued, we feel appreciated. Our relationships are characterized by mutuality and reciprocity; everyone gives and everyone receives. We can be vulnerable and share our inmost thoughts because we know that we will be seen, heard, and accepted. This aspect of community – safety in vulnerability – is perhaps its most important. Peck states,
Vulnerability in community snowballs. Once its members become vulnerable and find themselves being valued and appreciated, they become more and more vulnerable. The walls come tumbling down. And as they tumble, as the love and acceptance escalates, as the mutual intimacy multiplies, true healing and converting begins. Old wounds are healed, old resentments forgiven, old resistances overcome. Fear is replaced by hope.2
This is not something that happens spontaneously. True community has to be cultivated and nurtured. It requires time, energy, diligence, and patience. As an introvert, this is not something that comes natural to me. I like my own company. I like solitude. Perhaps if I had written the song, it would have said something like, “As long as I got King Jesus and my husband and son and house, I don’t need nobody else.” I’d be just as wrong, though.
Humans were not created to live in isolation but in community. It is through relationship that we learn who we are, and also who we are not. We become who we are because of the web of relationships – positive and negative – that have carried us through life. And life is far too complex to rely on the strength of one or two relationships to carry us. The writer of Proverbs tells us, “friends love all the time, kinsfolk are born for times of trouble” (Proverbs 17:17). We are in times of trouble, and by all accounts, we are heading for more.
During sabbatical one of my practices was to be intentional about nurturing relationships with people. Every week, I was deliberate in spending face-to-face time with a friend or relative – over a shared meal, while sipping coffee or tea, or walking in a park together. Since returning to work, it’s become more difficult. Introverts don’t have a lot of relational energy and work sucks up a lot of mine. Yet I am determined not to drift back toward isolation. I was made for community, and I want to honor my creation.
What are you doing to nurture healthy and mutually supportive relationships? Where do you experience challenges in this? Join the conversation.
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M. Scott Peck, The Different Drum: Community Making and Peace (Simon & Schuster), 59.
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