A Few Thoughts Before You Sign Up For All The Things

I published this post over a year ago but feel like it’s worth bringing back every so often. Before you sign your children up for extracurriculars this year, here are some thoughts for choosing them intentionally.

Activities can be wonderful, but too many too soon can crowd out something we don’t always realize children need: margin. That white space in our family life where unhurried afternoons allow siblings to connect, imaginations to flourish, and parents to nurture, teach, and shape their children’s hearts and minds.

So before you click “register” on all the sign-up forms, here are a few lessons I’ve learned, and some things that helped me more intentional about choosing activities. This is advice for moms of preschoolers, elementary and middle schoolers from the perspective of a mom of a high school schooler and college sophomore.

Looking back I’m so grateful I listened to older, wiser moms who told me to hold off on the activity train as long as possible because one you’re on it, it’s hard to slow down. If you have little ones, I would say treasure those slow, unplanned days and only do activities that don’t add stress to your life because the stage with young children is already hard enough.

Now that I have three teenagers, I look back with fondness on those unstructured days when we didn’t have to be anywhere. When my oldest daughter puttered up and down our street in the afternoons, collecting acorns while I strolled her baby sister. My children had such wonderful imaginations and curiosity, I think, because I didn’t plan every second of their day. Thanks in part to Jonathan Haidt’s recent good work, we are reading more and more about the necessity of “unstructured” time for children. And I have zero regrets about giving that time to my children.

I remember how excited I was when I signed my first child for a ballet class. But then I heard other moms were signing up for gymnastics and preschool soccer and suddenly I wondered: is she already behind?

It’s easy to feel pressure to help your child “find their thing,” which often leads to signing up for multiple activities at once. But you don’t have to do it all right now. And truly, if your child is gifted in a sport, they will rise to the top when the time is right.

Here’s an example: A friend of mine had a son in club baseball for years. When high school tryouts came around, some boys who had never played before made the team. They didn’t spend summers at the ball field like her family; they made it because of God-given athletic talent. Natural athletic talent will shine through - with or without a head start at 4 years old.

When my daughters were little, I usually picked Monday dance classes. Why? Because holidays like President’s Day meant we’d get a bonus day off (and I didn’t mind that at all!) A friend of mine used to wait and enroll her preschoolers in dance after Christmas - they’d still be in the recital, but she saved money and avoided months of extra driving. When my nieces were little, my sister-in-law asked the dance studio if her daughters could be in the same class even though they were two grades apart and they said yes. I thought that was so clever! I would have never thought to ask that but doing so simplified her week a little. Small decisions like this, rooted in practicality, can make a big difference in stress level. Also, when they are little it’s not a big deal if they miss a class or two.

It’s also good to use intuition and good old common sense when choosing activities for your children. Just because a child expresses interest in something doesn’t mean you have to make a long-term investment. Think about starting small. A short camp or a free trial class can give them a taste without overwhelming your schedule - or your wallet. My daughter once said she wanted to do horseback riding after hearing a friend mention it. Instead of jumping into weekly lessons, I signed her up for a local one-week summer camp. She had fun, got it out of her system, and moved on.

A five minute drive to soccer is very different from a 30 minute one when you have a baby in the car or dinner waiting to be made. Even if all your friends are going to join a certain team, I’d say join the team that is convenient for your family (and mental load!). Or just wait for a season when it is more feasible.

I had friends with a “one activity per child” rule, which can be great. But with four or five children that’s a lot of practices and games! So we’ve had seasons where not everyone did something, and that was more than okay. Sometimes less is what’s best for everyone. And if children have to sit out a season for the sake of siblings, they have the opportunity to learn that the world (and you) don’t revolve around them. And that’s a good thing!

We don’t have grandparents in town so, admittedly, there were times I’d have a twinge of envy when I’d see a friend’s mom help her with driving to activities and school pickups. Of course my friend could handle more activities for her children. She had extra (and free!) help. She could stay at home and make dinner and tend to her baby while a grandparent took her older one to dance or soccer. If you have that kind of support system, be incredibly grateful. It is truly a gift.

If you don’t have that support, be kind to yourself. And realize you might not have the same capacity (right now) for activities as people who do. But seasons change and your capacity for more activities will change, too.

For example, I am currently in a season where I have two teenage drivers, which allows my two younger children to do a bit more than their older sisters did. My teen taking her eighth grade sister to dance or her nine year old sister to choir is a good way for them to spend time together. It’s not extra for me, but intentional for them.

Bottom line: every family has a different situation. Be realistic with yours.

If your young child is overwhelmed - or if you are - it’s perfectly fine to take a break. Or miss a gymnastics class. That’s being wise. Protecting your peace and your family’s rhythm is far more important than finishing out the year and getting your money’s worth. (I’m talking about little ones here, not quitting a middle school team that depends on you.)

I have a friend that did this with her family and thought it was a great idea. Sports don’t have to always separate the family unit: make practices/games a family activity. Little ones can play on the sidelines while while the oldest is in practice.

Of course, my younger daughters didn’t love going to early morning high school cross meets games 45 minutes away, but our line of reasoning to them is “we are a family and we show up for one another.” Children learn by doing and taking them to sister or brother’s games is one way to teach that.

I was in conversation with some fellow moms of middle and high schoolers once and the discussion came up about family dinners. None of them did them during the week because their children were going every which way. And it made them sad.

But it doesn’t have to be that way.

You can say no to things if they conflict with what’s important for your family. You are your family’s activities director after all. And you get also get creative with prioritizing what’s important.

For example, you can eat early at 5 pm or do a late night supper. You can make a Stouffer’s lasagna if you don’t time to cook a meal. If dinner doesn’t work for your family, do family breakfasts! Sunday brunch is when our family has a long, leisurely meal together. For us, weeknight dinners are faster and not everyone can make it every night (my husband sometimes works later and my senior has lots of senior things). But I try to get dinner on the table (even if it’s takeout) every night.

It doesn’t have to look like Leave it to Beaver. The important thing is to carve some time for togetherness. Children of all ages thrive on routine and good communication with their families and meals are just a good way to provide that. Bottom line: just find what works and protect it at all costs on your calendar.

We teach so much by our actions. And if we value a soccer tournament or a cheerleading competition more than church on Sunday mornings, they will also. And looking further down the road, if we don’t prioritize Sunday worship when they are young, we cannot be surprised when our children are grown and don’t prioritize it as adults.

But it’s more than Sunday mornings. I often think of something Sinclair Ferguson said in his podcast about folding children into the church family. Making church more than just a Sunday morning routine is key to helping them feel like they truly belong to a church community and for absorbing Christian teaching. Now that I have one in college, I see how important it has been to fill her with Biblical truth and encouragement all these years and the church family helps so much in that.

So as you are looking at your schedule, don’t forget to consider and prioritize those. Perhaps it’s a middle school Bible study. Or a serving opportunity in the church. nursery. One of the sweetest extracurriculars my youngest daughter has done is the children’s choir, 30 minuets a week, learning hymns and Biblical truths that I hope will stay with her for a lifetime.

With four children, the time and financial commitment of club travel sports just didn’t appeal to us nor did we want child’s schedule to dominate our weekends throughout the year. However, my middle schooler does competitive dance but one of the reasons we chose the studio because they only have 4-5 competitions a year and only one out of town which seemed like something our family could do.

I know great things can come from doing club sports, though, including wonderful family friendships. My husband did club soccer in high school and had an amazing coach/mentor that taught him incredible life lessons (see next point).

Even though we have not done club sports, I have watched many friends go that route with their children, here’s what I would suggest considering the following thinking about club sports:

• Don’t start too young. If children go to school all day and then club sports for hours in the afternoon/evening plus homework, there is little time for parental teaching and sibling bonding. That’s why I would be hesitant to start in the elementary years as that is such a crucial time for what my grandmother called “molding” of your children. Plus, early burnout is real and injuries are a real thing in club sports. A lot has been written on focusing one one sport too early - not my expertise but something to look into.

• Don’t do it just because “everyone else is.” That’s not a good reason for anything, but especially an enormous time and financial commitment. Only do it for a legit reason like your child has an exceptional talent to sharpen or has the opportunity to learn under an amazing coach, not because of FOMO. And make sure you can afford it.

• If it going to keep you from church or family priorities, don’t do them. You are teaching your children what their priorities should be. Before joining ask about practice schedule, Sunday morning games and practice expectations, etc.

• Don’t let that sport become your child’s primary identity. You can pour years of your lives and tens of thousands of dollars into club teams and private coaching and your child still not make the high school team. I’ve seen that happen to my friend’s children. And when that identity of being a volleyball or basketball player gets pulled out from under them at 14 or 15, after years of club sports and private lessons, it’s very hard. Another common scenario: they get burned out by the time they are juniors because they have been playing nonstop for 8-10 years and just want to stop. So if your child is in that world, do your best to make sure their worth isn’t tied to a sport or activity. Because one day they will stop.

And just to reiterate : club sports do not automatically mean that they are going to make the high school team, particularly if they go to a large high school. Nor does it mean they have a good chance of playing at a D1 school one day. (That is statistically rare!) Anecdotal but we know many elite high school athletes who got offers to play at small, rural colleges but turned them down because they wanted to go to a big state schools with their friends.

This Substack is all about the enormous influence of mothers. Don’t be so quick to let activities siphon your influence and your husband’s away. Every activity your child joins comes with people - teachers, coaches, other children - who will influence them. You can’t send your child to be under the care or teaching of another adult and not expect them to be influenced by that person’s habits, language, values. So if you commit your child to another adult for coaching, particularly with activities that require a large time commitment, make sure it’s someone who you want being a major influence on your child.

Don’t just look at the training they offer. Look at the people. Are they encouraging? Do they speak respectfully? Do they build kids up or break them down? Do their values align with yours?

Your voice as a mom is strong, but it’s not the only one they’ll hear. So choose environments that support your influence, not work against it. Moreover, choose teams and organizations that do proper background checks and take proper safety measures.

There’s no one “right” way to approach activities. Every family is different. But as sign-ups roll around, I hope this post will help you think through them intentionally and give you courage to do what’s best for your family!