Last weekend I had the pleasure of sharing the stage with Jordan Stephens at Fearne Cotton’s Happy Place Festival (HPF) in London. Jordan and I go way back, and have built a deep and light filled friendship, since he first showed up at my relationship workshop all those years ago. Despite the 25 year age difference (or perhaps because of it), we have discovered a strong soul connection and allowed this to unfold in a way that nourishes us both. Jordan challenges and inspires me to live more bravely and truthfully and in doing so, to expand my capacity for Love…deeper still.
Our talk this year at the HPF was all about relationships, and given that it seemed to go down really well, I thought I’d share with you here the 6 stages of relating that Jordan and I briefly discussed. I hope you find this model helpful and if you are keen to learn more, check out the details of my next one day relationship workshop (the same one Jordan attended when we met), at the end of this newsletter. ⬇️
Also, Jordan and I plan to return to the Happy Place Festival in London, in 2027 (Yay!) and they currently have an earlybird offer available for a limited time. 10% off. July 3/4th. Details here - Earlybird tickets for 2027
This 6 stage offering is based on the work of Helen Hunt and Harville Hendrix, the co-founders of Imago Relationship Therapy (which I am trained in). Like most things in life this model is not one size fits all, but in my experience does tend to have some elements of truth that most find helpful, and (with tweaks) can apply to all different types of relationships. I’ve (rudely) made some small amends to the model too.
The 6 Stages of Relationships:
1-3 = unconscious relating, which often leads to re-wounding and more hurt/trauma.
4-6 = conscious relating, which provides opportunities for healing, growth and expansion.
Childhood Experiences
Romantic Love
Power Struggle
Awareness
Growth and Healing
True Intimacy
Childhood Experiences - It is no surprise to most of us that we carry unmet needs from childhood which impact every area of our lives. Even the best parents in the world are unable to meet all of our needs, all of the time, and we are of course shaped by this. Alongside the many cultural, societal and gender based expectations of us. If you think about it, our parents were the first woman/man we ever met (or not), and their relationship with themselves and each other, for better or for worse, was our first example of relating (beyond the mother and child bond), which later becomes our template for all adult relationships. We tend to either replicate their relationship behaviours (eek!) or rebel against them. Neither of these reactions however, are about freedom.
The hurts, losses and betrayals of childhood shape who we become as adults, including our patterns, coping strategies, triggers and capacity to self soothe/regulate our nervous system. They show up clearly in our attachment styles and how we operate in all of our relationships. If we had a bumpy start in life and do not do the necessary healing work, we will likely remain emotionally arrested our whole lives. A wounded child. Consequently, we will conduct ourselves in relationships like a highly reactive child masquerading as an adult. Sound familiar…or is it just me?!
Romantic Love – In Imago theory we attract people into our adult lives who hold both the positive and negative characteristics of our parents (gulp). In the beginning of a new romance for example, we will see only their positive characteristics - ‘oh he’s so charismatic, funny, sharp, handsome, well read….’ (just like my father). We bask in the deliciousness of this familiarity. We will also show up as the very best version of ourselves in a new romance and our spirit shines! We are (unconsciously) who our new partner needs us to be.
This is our ‘shop front’ - whereby what we want our partners/ friends etc to see and admire is on full display. Our system is flooded with phenylethylamine (PEA), as we ‘fall in love’ and we see who we need our
parents, I mean partners (!) to be for us, rather than who they really are, in all their flawed and fabulous fullness. Positive transference. Romantic love is a precious, beautiful and important phase of intimate relationship, but I hate to break it to you…it was never meant to last. So enjoy it while you can!
Power struggle - When a level of trust and safety is established between partners, the ‘drugs’ (PEA) slowly begin to wear off (boooo). It usually starts to fade when we make a commitment to each other, like living together or having a child. We lose the PEA ‘high’ and the inevitable comedown means that our unmet needs begin to clash with their unmet needs, and ouch, boy does it hurt. This is when we/they start to reveal the negative characteristics of ourselves/parents. It’s like we have wandered beyond the shop front of their best self display and discovered (to our utter disappointment) a dusty, damp and dark storeroom at the back, where all of their less than pleasant characteristics are hidden. Ewww! (You have one too btw so don’t get too sniffy and superior about it…and yours is just as grubby believe me!)
In this phase when our partner is not fully meeting our needs, our childhood wounds, like fear of abandonment or fear of smothering, will resurface. We then transfer on to our partners, the negative versions of our parents from childhood, who created these wounds, and find ourselves reacting towards them like the child we once were. It is here that we can both enter what I call the ‘transference trance’, whereby we can no longer see each other, because they/we are covered over by an energetic hologram of our/their mum or dad from the past, that we/they have placed over the top of the person in front of them….and so the power struggle begins. Both partners trying to mould the other into what they need them to be, and not who they really are. ‘If only they could be more….’ This phase I call the ‘dance of dysfunction’ and it definitely takes two to tango.
EXIT - It is during this often painful phase that we will find the nearest exit route and make a run for it. That has certainly been my history….as soon as the PEA faded and my unmet needs were activated, I would blame them “another bloody arsehole, I sure pick them!“ and head for the nearest exit. Abandon before being abandoned was my strategy. Almost 50% of marriages end in divorce globally so I'm certainly not the only runner that’s for sure.
For those that do stay married or in a committed partnership, if they don’t move beyond this power struggle stage, they will instead ‘leave without leaving’. This is also known as ‘the invisible divorce’, and you don’t need to be married to have one. Basically without addressing, processing and resolving their conflicts and understanding the transference trance, most people get an energetic divorce and remain in the relationship in name only. Because this is very painful, they need to find ways to escape and avoid their pain. To leave without leaving. The ultimate exit can often be an affair, but it’s not always humans we have affairs with…work, sport, addictions, busyness, and gadgets also do the job really well!
‘Stay long enough to grow, long enough to know, but not long enough to suffer’ David Richo - Author & Psychotherapist
Awareness - As we repeat the same patterns in our relationships (either with one person or many), if we pay attention, we will notice themes occurring. Like for me when I recognised how I had been dating versions of my dad for most of my adult life. All addicts, all controlling and unavailable. ‘Hello dad’. It is in this stage that we begin to move beyond denial and start to get curious that there might be another way. Rather than keep pointing the finger of blame, and keeping ourselves victims, we instead take responsibility for our part in the dance. Same issue, different face. Awareness is the first step towards change.
Growth and healing - It is during this phase that we can finally start to grow (up). We take our newfound awareness and commit to working with our inner wounded child parts, in order to grieve what we didn’t receive in childhood, and in doing so slowly start to release ourselves from the trance of transference. It is in this phase that we can emotionally mature the unhealed parts of us that have been rampaging through our relationships, causing chaos for decades, (enough about me). As we heal we also need to learn new healthier ways of relating, including tender truth telling (TTT), clear communication, setting boundaries and repairing hurts with generous apologies, making amends and holding ourselves accountable. In this way the power struggle phase was an opportunity, an invitation to heal and ‘finish our business’ with the past.
Intimacy - When we do the work (together and/or individually), we can break free from the transference trance and meet others in our fullness. Both shadow and light. We can finally allow our parents to leave our relationships (!) and as we mature, we learn how to remain in connection even when we are hurt, how to respond rather than react, to show our vulnerability, how to stay curious about our partners and ourselves. To communicate with them clearly (without ego games) and acknowledge when we are triggered and why. To build a deeper (higher) Love that allows us to grow (even if we do not stay together). To develop a passionate friendship with realistic expectations of each other within a safe loving container. We consciously cultivate the element of mystery and surprise. We come to see from this new awakened place that all of our relationship struggles were (turd bowed) teachings all along. In doing this work we have transformed our relationship struggles into a sacred form of spiritual practice. We are free.
“Partners, parents and children are the greatest spiritual teachers you will ever meet, and some people are so courageous they even have all 3!”
£195pp
Most of us face relationship struggles at some point and often feel confused as to how best to deal with them. Maybe it’s through falling out with a friend or family member, arguing yet again with your partner or struggling to get on well with a new boss or work colleague.
Whichever relationship we might struggle with, we can often find ourselves caught up repeating the same old negative cycles over and again. So, the big question is how do we break the negative cycle and free ourselves from it, learning to relate differently, so that we can build the kind of relationships we really want? How do we come to view our challenges within relationships as an opportunity for healing and growth?
This 1-day workshop is designed to support you to understand why you might struggle with certain relationships and offer resources as to how to heal and connect in new healthier ways. It views all our relationships as healing and spiritual growth opportunities, moving us beyond old ego stories into new conscious ways of relating.
This relationship workshop is suitable for individuals, family members and couples to attend together, and covers all relationships, not just intimate ones.
For more details and to book: Healing Through Relationships
“Within twenty minutes of Donna’s relationship workshop I was spun into awareness seemingly without a choice. I left with a sense of understanding and promise. I would recommend it to literally everyone.”
Jordan Stephens - Musician, Writer & Actor
When the past is present - David Richo
The State of Affairs - Esther Perel
Where should we begin? Card game for couples
Where should we begin - Podcast -= Esther Perel
Rethinking Infidelity - Ted talk Esther Perel
My daughter Gemma has availability in her Counselling practice based in West Sussex. She is a qualified integrative counsellor and registered with the BACP.
Gemma works both in person and online and her fees are £60ph. She offers a complimentary 20 minute consultation to check if there’s a good fit between you.
For details and to book - Gemmamariecounselling
As ever, thank you for being here and for choosing to spend your precious time reading my words. Please do let me know if you appreciate them by pressing the little heart, and/or leaving a comment? I really appreciate it when you do this. 🙏🏽❤️ 🌻
No posts
Comments
Nothing yet. Say the first thing.
Sign in to join the conversation.