Reading · A Pilgrimage for the Soul

At almost 60 years old there are way too many wounds to mention, but here are a significant few that, when grieved, became precious gifts.

Childhood - my experience even in the womb was one of not being welcome. I was the third ‘mistake’ child. An unwanted extra. My childhood was one of magic and fairies and trees and angels, and…..(I could go on). It also included violence, addiction, loneliness, racism, fear, lack of safety and trauma. I was offered (chose?) a whole buffet of turd -bowed gifts that I needed to unwrap slowly. Painful and yet necessary somehow. Loss was the initiation and grieving the portal.

Parenthood - I became a mother at 18 years and again at 22 (at both ages, I was still 5 inside). Unsurprisingly both were traumatic births. Difficult beginnings for us all. I did my very best in their younger years, with the very little I had to give, but it definitely was not enough. Becoming a mother forced me to heal, to grow and ultimately do better. To rise up….and so I did.

Breakdown/through - or a ‘Divine intervention’ as I like to call it. A complete breakdown at 30 years old forcing the Warrior woman to stop and lay down her arms. To surrender. I was forced to my knees by Life, and it was down there in the dirt of Humility Street, that I discovered the gifts. I died into Life. My book The Bridge is all about this and my journey back.

Mum’s death - another profound loss which gave me back my whole heart. Perhaps my mother's parting gift? I had been operating from the neck up and her terminal diagnosis and subsequent death ensured I travelled deep down into my heart. A sacred pilgrimage.

Angels come in many forms. All have wings....

There are far too many people to name here and in truth many whose names I don’t even know. Angels the lot of them (including the dark-winged kind.) Here’s a few of the most significant peeps….

My favourite sister Corinne - I would need to write a whole book to explain the many ways my sister has saved me over the years. From protecting me from my violent father, to looking after me when she was no more than a child herself, and for believing in me before I believed in myself. I struck gold when the ‘sister selection’ meeting was held. I would choose her a thousand times over…and no doubt already have.

My eldest daughter Gemma - a gift of Grace without a doubt. Again another book would be needed here, but Gemma taught me about love and responsibility. Learning to become her mother, forced me to become a better person. Taking care of her along with her sister, also saved me from the very real and dark temptations of drugs.

An Angel - the unknown woman who sat beside me on the park bench, when I was a young desperate mother of 2 kids, contemplating suicide. ‘They’ll be better off without me’, (no they won’t). She reassured me that things would get better. Amazingly these words and her kindness, enabled me to go on. She disappeared as quickly as she arrived. Angels can do that.

My first therapist - her name was Jacqui. She taught me about the healing power of ‘holding space’ and unconditional positive regard. She let me weep without words getting in the way. I had waited 15 years for those tears. Liquid Love. She was the beginning of my healing, and she helped me believe that it was possible to live without hurting all the time. Thank you Jacqui.

My best friend Gabi - another Angel but this one dressed in very glamorous clothes. Not enough words to explain how Gabi has saved me. She has taught me so many things including how you can rupture and repair in relationships. That you don’t have to run away every time someone hurts you. There are other possibilities. This Angel woman has Loved me back to Life.

Magic Faraway Tree by Enid Blyton - my very first book of escape into magical lands and of course involving trees.
Something More by Sarah ban Breathnach - my first proper self development book, working on healing and (re)discovering the authentic self.
Falling Upwards by Richard Rohr - how I love this book and its teachings. Such profound Elder wisdom.
Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle - an oldie but goodie. I still revist this book every few years to refresh. Such simple and yet profound teachings. A must read.

Non-religious prayer - one of the most significant practices that allows me to communicate with the Divine. I began praying imperfectly when my mum was dying and have continued ever since. I pray multiple times a day, starting and ending in my bed. I will often pray on the loo too or in a supermarket queue or traffic jam, (the Big D doesn’t seem to mind) The benefits to my life are immeasurable.

Dates with Wonder - Spending conscious time in nature alone, cultivating awe and wonder. Looking closely at the minute details of everything I see. Listening, smelling and touching too. Looking up at the vast expanse and feeling how small and (in)significant I am. We all are. Nature as my church..the place I go to worship Life. This brings me into such presence and deep inner peace. I fall deeper in Love with Life every day.

Singing & dancing - anyone who knows me knows I am the Karaoke Queen. Movement, music, giggles and fun. The winning combo.

Trees - what can I say? They are the Elders I choose. I pray with them and am guided by them every single day.

Ancestors ritual - a daily bow of gratitude and commitment to living my life in a way that honours all those that came before me. Gamechanger.

Practicing gratitude
Chanting meditation
Ho’oponopono prayer (for whenever I am struggling to forgive someone, including myself)
Saying Grace to give thanks for my food
Invisible service and random acts of kindess
Wearing big knickers and going bra-less as much as possible
Becoming the observer of my thoughts (Life changing!)
Not taking myself too seriously (same)
Regular wanking (true)

Quanita Roberson, Bell Hooks, Maya Angelou. Alice Walker, Anne Lamott, Caroline Myss, Mirabai Starr, Andrew Harvey, Nelson Mandela, Archbishop Desmond Tutu, Father Gregory Boyle, David Richo, Father Richard Rohr, the man who cuts our grass, Mother moon and Father sun.

Thank You Thank You Thank You. 🙏🏽🌻❤️

I would love to know what your practices, books and who your special people are? Please share in the comments.

People, books and practices that have shaped and saved me.

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