Why ADHD contradicts itself so much

Quick note: I’m currently paused on taking new ADHD coaching clients while I write my book (!!), but you can sign up for the waitlist here to get first access to slots once they open up <3

A lot of ADHDers I work with feel confounded by their contradictions. Like, what do you mean I can run a whole business, but I physically can’t get myself to fold one shirt? That I struggle to start AND I struggle to stop?? That I crave structure AND I rebel against it? What is wrong with me?!?!?

Nothing!

Nothing is wrong with you. In fact, these and many other ADHD contradictions make a lot of sense when you consider how our brains work. And I think it’s helpful to understand what’s happening behind some of them so that:

1. You know you’re very much not alone with these experiences. When we believe we’re the only ones struggling, it’s easy to get bogged down by shame, which makes us struggle even more to do the things we want to do (This post is all about why being kinder to yourself helps you do things)

2. You can learn more about what makes certain things harder/easier for your brain, so you can create conditions that make the hard things a little easier. (This post is all about how I investigate for ease, and this is one about how to do things when your ADHD brain says you can’t. Both are great next reads after this!)

3. You have something to share with loved ones who might be confused by these contradictions. From the outside, lots of the following can be hard for people without ADHD to understand. Hell, it can be hard for people with ADHD to understand! If you have someone in your life who’s struggling to understand your challenges, my hope is that these explanations can help.

Gentle disclaimer: I can’t emphasize enough that ADHDers aren’t a monolith, so not all ADHDers experience these things, and experiencing them doesn’t necessarily mean you have ADHD. They’re just common experiences among many ADHDers, but they can happen for other reasons as well.

One of the more frustrating ADHD experiences, at least for me, is that we often feel desperate for structure to help us stay on track, so we spend enormous effort creating elaborate routines, organizational systems, and schedules. But once it’s all in place, we start rebelling against it because DON’T TELL US WHAT TO DO!

ADHD brains tend to be highly responsive to and motivated by things like novelty, interest, and autonomy. And many of us are very sensitive to demands. So once something feels less like a new, fun choice and more like a rule we have to follow, even if it’s supportive and even if we made the rule, our motivation tends to seep out of our bodies.

(This post covers how to make it easier to stick to a routine with ADHD)

ADHD can make it hard to start tasks because starting requires us to prioritize, sequence, figure out where to begin, and get ourselves moving, all of which rely heavily on executive functioning. And as we know, our executive is a little dysfunctional.

But ADHD can ALSO make it hard to stop because the same executive dysfunction that makes starting hard also makes it hard to: disengage from whatever currently has our attention, decide what comes next, and find the energy and momentum to transition. Starting and stopping are basically two sides of the same executive dysfunction coin.

(You can read more about how to make transitions easier with ADHD here)

ADHD can make decision-making challenging in two distinct ways. “Simple” daily choices, like deciding what’s for dinner, can feel impossible because there are so many options, no obvious “correct” answer, and very little difference between outcomes. Sorting through and making a decision about similar options places a lot of demand on the executive functions that are often impaired in ADHD. And when we’re already dysregulated because we’re hungry or otherwise, it becomes even harder.

At the same time, when an idea or plan pops into our head that feels exciting or urgent, ADHD impulsivity can make us jump ALL IN without much thought.

You can read more about ADHD impulsivity and ways to manage it here

A crisis has many of the ingredients that tend to motivate ADHD brains, like urgency, novelty, clear stakes, and obvious priorities. Meanwhile, a tiny admin task has all the ingredients that drain our motivation, like low stimulation, no immediate reward, and often no significant consequence for putting it off for another day.

So the task that “should” be easy often feels much harder for us, while the crisis that “should” be hard often feels much easier.

Impulsivity is a core symptom of ADHD, which means it’s not uncommon for us to jump all the way into something without fully thinking it through. Plus, executive dysfunction can make it hard to identify all future steps, so it’s easy to underestimate or overlook what something will actually require.

On the other hand, it’s also common for us to over plan. One reason is because planning can feel really satisfying, interesting, and safe. We get the satisfaction of working toward a project without the risk of failure that comes with executing. And when we already struggle to trust our memory and ability to follow through, over-planning can give us a sense of control and security that’s often tough to find once we do the messier work of actually doing the thing.

Executive dysfunction can make it harder to remember information long enough to use it and keep track of stuff when we’re doing something else. Plus, details are often boring or only relevant to some future version of us, which can make them drop right out of our brains.

Meanwhile, emotionally charged experiences tend to grab more of our attention and get stored more strongly in our memory because they feel so significant and meaningful. This is why I will forget the thing I specifically told myself I absolutely cannot forget, but I can still tell you exactly what that dude was wearing when he hurt my feelings in second grade.

Coming up with ideas and actually executing those ideas ask very different things from us. Generating ideas feels novel, exciting, spontaneous, and immediately rewarding—all things that tend to engage ADHD brains.

But execution asks a whole lot more of our taxed executive functioning: we have to choose an idea, turn it into a viable plan, figure out the first steps, sustain our attention through the boring parts, and keep going after the initial excitement wears off.

This is how I can come up with 14 new projects while taking a shower, then spend the next three years trying to decide which one I should actually work on.

(This post covers ways to do stuff when you have infinite ideas and struggle to execute them)

Okay, this one might be personal… But I know many ADHDers can relate. For many ADHDers, how difficult a task feels isn’t necessarily determined by how complicated it actually is. Tasks that are meaningful, stimulating, challenging, and/or rewarding can feel surprisingly easy for us. And big, complex projects often offer a lot of those ingredients.

Meanwhile, unloading the dishwasher is objectively simple but offers nothing in terms of what engages us. Instead, it just offers hell. HELL I tell you!!

Why ADHDers delay sleep

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December 14, 2025

Quick note: I’ve received quite a few messages from y’all about 1:1 coaching with me. I’m currently pausing on new clients while I write my book (!!), but you can sign up for the waitlist here to get…