Beginning Again Isn't The Same As Starting Over

“I should have done better.”

“I really got off track and I feel so bad about myself.”

“You probably think I’m an idiot.”

“I failed again.”

These are things I have heard from my real patients over the past few weeks in sessions. Shame is a real issue around food and I see it in the lives of my patients and clients every day. IMHO, there’s no place for it in nutrition counseling and I assure my people that I do not expect them to be perfect or have it all together. After all, that’s why they see me! If they had it all figured out, all of their nutrition challenges would be gone and they’d be meeting their {realistic} goals.

According to a recent editorial in the British Journal of Psychiatry:

“It is an intensely unpleasant feeling of being exposed as flawed, triggered by real or anticipated criticism. Unlike guilt, which focuses on actions (‘I did something wrong’) and often leads to repair, shame targets the self (‘I am a bad person’) and tends to provoke withdrawal. Shame is oriented more to moral faults and public failures, emphasising others’ negative evaluations.”

What people eat and why is multifactorial. It can be driven by economics, emotion, culture, biology, and health, among others. These are not all equally powerful at all times. White knuckling change and relying on motivation alone is a recipe for disaster when it comes to behavior change.

When I work with a patient who feels like they’ve failed, I remind them that they may have slipped into some old behavior, but they aren’t where they were a year ago, a month ago. They aren’t starting over as if they are back to square one. They have new skills, new resources, and support. They can simply begin again from where they are now with all of these benefits that actually get them closer to their goals.

Just as the article above recommends, I encourage my patients and clients to approach their situation with curiosity, not condemnation. Self-compassion and building self-efficacy can go hand in hand and I’m so happy when I see a patient get it. Then, they say things like, “I realized that I’d gotten off track and I started again the next day.” or “I started to feel guilty, but then I remembered that it’s okay for me to have my favorite sweets sometimes.”

If you’re struggling with negative self-talk around food, I encourage you to schedule an appointment with me (reach out through the message button below and I’ll send you a link) or another registered dietitian nutritionist, therapist, or counselor who can help you reframe toward healthier thoughts. Shame doesn’t lead to change. Curiosity and compassion with a healthy dose of grace does.

Looking for quick healthy meal inspiration? Follow me on Instagram! This week, I shared my favorite summer lunch. Get the recipe here. Save it and share with a friend.