Big Girl Pants

“How was everything for you this evening, madam?”

“The fish wasn’t great.”

I feel mean and petty.

I chide myself, internally: ‘What does it matter? Be nice.’

Then the inner voice gets meaner: ‘You’re only doing it to get money off the bill, you chancer.’

But the thing it, it wasn’t great. For me. And he’s asked me a direct question. So I either say what I think, or lie. Appease and smooth, smile sweetly, or give some feedback.

The fish was unpleasant; it wasn’t good in the mouth...for me. That’s all.

Catching these micro-moments in real time is helping me to practice my new ‘not-pleasing’ response in low-risk moments.

I don’t choose whether to please or not – that’s a reflex – so I have to actively choose to not-please to try and bring actual choice into the picture for me, long term.

So I send my feedback - and the uneaten soggy fish skin - with the waiter back to the kitchen. Now, the chef may welcome my feedback, or he may think I’m an arsehole looking to get money off the bill. I’ll never know. And, frankly, it’s none of my business. My business is in strengthening the muscle of standing by and standing up for who I actually am.

It’s a work in progress. Some opportunities I catch in time. At other times, I sleepwalk into a passive people pleasing stance.

But both are giving me such useful insights.

I’m working with a new VA and give him some copy to send out to people. He adapts it. It doesn’t sound like me anymore; it sounds like me but through a Disney filter. As hard as it is to ‘upset’ him, I ask him to simply use the copy I provided. The world keeps turning. Tick.

I am feeling anxious and overwhelmed because I have a lot to do, and yet I keep offering my diary up to have coffees with people. So when someone asks to meet with me and I say I’m not free, I initially feel really naughty and audacious – because I AM free. As in, there’s nothing in the diary. But, I finally work out, I am not free to give my time up to other people when I need me more. I feel like I’m starting to get the hang of this.

Someone asks for a catch up. I say yes. We meet. I say hello. She talks at me for an hour. I say goodbye. I leave, kicking myself hard in both shins. But also laughing at myself. This is such a useful reminder of the draining impact of boundary-less people pleasing. How many hours of my life have been given over to making the other feel great whilst inside I’m doing somersaults?

I am working with new colleagues on a project. At the last minute, they say they want to rebrand all of my slides with their branding and put their copyright mark on it. It spins me into confusion. Is this ok for me? What do I want and need? I ask to have a call to talk it through. We do. It is grown up, helpful and deeply satisfying. This may be the most Big Girl Pants thing I have ever done in my life and it helps me to realise with clarity the benefits of not pleasing. My old model would have been to smile to their face and vent behind their back. In the new model, I can advocate for my needs to their face and then there is nothing left but good will.

Turns out, non-people-pleasing behaviour is really clean. It comes from the truth. And when that stops being so scary, wonderful things emerge.

Things like satisfaction. Peace. Ease. Self-respect. Understanding.

I might have to turn these Big Girl Pants inside out and wear them another day…

I am happy you are here. I am working this out in real time and using this diary as a way to sense-make as I go. Too many thoughts swirling does no one good, so this diary is a butterfly net, swooping ideas into order on the page. I am sharing in the hopes that, if people pleasing is loud or quiet in your life, you might find some solace in the companionship as you travel alongside me.