Borrowed Words: For When You've Grown Comfortable Being Lukewarm

A collection of prayers for when you can’t find your own.

For the past couple of months, I’ve felt.. off.

Not in the obvious way… well maybe a bit.

I wasn’t spiraling

I wasn’t questioning my faith or angry with God.

If anything, I looked fine.

I was still praying, reading my Bible, writing about my faith ( even though the output was slowing down). I was still showing up.

But something felt distant.

I thought I was just tired.

After months of balancing work, writing and life, I convinced myself I simply needed rest. So I took a break from Substack. I went home. I slowed down.

And while the rest helped...

It didn’t fix what was actually wrong.

One afternoon I noticed something strange. An article i wrote in March about being comfortable being lukewarm was picking up steam. It was starting to get way more views, and being shared.

People were quoting it.

Commenting on it and sending it to their friends.

And with every notification It felt like God pointing the article back at me.

Almost saying,

“You wrote this for yourself too.”

That was uncomfortable, Because He was Right and pointing me in the direction of the answers t my questions.

The hardest part is that I can’t pretend I don’t know.

I know and understand what conviction feels like, I know the verses and I know what obedience looks like.

I’m not waiting because I need more clarity.

I’m waiting because surrender feels expensive, and maybe that’s what lukewarmness often looks like.

Not rebellion.

Not walking away from God.

Just...

knowing... and waiting anyway.

I’ve been in a weird spot where I have been thinking about the life I left behind. I used to love going out and doing things i have made a decision not to do anymore. IYKYK…

Being surrounded by people and there are parts of that life I genuinely miss, but I also know I can’t go back.

The problem is... sometimes I become afraid of moving fully forward too.

Because somewhere inside me is this fear that if I surrender completely, I’ll disappear.

That God will turn me into someone I don’t recognise.

Someone quieter.

Smaller.

Less... me.

And if I’m honest... I’ve lost myself before.

I’m still learning who Nolie is again.

So the idea of becoming someone new, even if it’s through God, sometimes scares me.

Then I remembered something.

God isn’t asking me to become someone else, He’s asking me to become who He created me to be and those are very different things.

The version of me I’m afraid of losing... might not actually be me at all.

I think that’s why Jesus says in Revelation,

“So, because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth.”

Not because He hates imperfect people, but because our undecided and divided hearts never experience the fullness of intimacy.

You can’t half trust someone.

You can’t half surrender.

Love doesn’t work that way.

Neither does discipleship.

So lately my prayer has become surprisingly simple.

Search me.

Show me where I’m still negotiating.

Show me what I’ve renamed “wisdom” that is actually fear.

Show me where I’ve mistaken comfort for peace.

Show me what I’m still holding back, because I don’t want to spend my life close enough to know You... while staying far enough away to avoid changing.

If you’re in that place too, these borrowed words are for you.

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“I will say to the Lord , “My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.” - Psalms 91:2

Dear Heavenly Father,

I come to You with complete knowledge of your expectations of me. There’s no confusion here, Lord, only hesitation.

At some point, I became comfortable giving You most of me instead of all of me.

Close enough to feel convicted.

Close enough to call myself faithful.

But still clinging to the parts of myself that i can handle on my own.

Forgive me for confusing familiarity with You for surrender to You.

“So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin.” - James 4:17

Lord, show me clearly what I am still trying to control. What comfort I’m not willing to release. What obedience I keep quietly avoiding.

I don’t want a faith that only changes what I do. I want it to change my desires.

“Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.” - Psalm 51:10

Give me the courage to stop deciding when to obey and when to wait. Give me the trust to believe Your boundaries protect me instead of limiting me.

Where I have been safe instead of surrendered, meet me there. Where I’ve settled for the appearance of devotion, replace it with the real thing.

“You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.” - Jeremiah 29:13

Father, I don’t want to be neither hot nor cold. I want to be Yours, fully, not half hearted faith. I’ve been quietly keeping back for myself.

Not partial obedience.

Not managed distance.

All of me.

In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Maybe the bravest prayer isn’t “God, I know what You’re asking, help me get there eventually.”

Maybe it’s “God, I know what You’re asking. Help me stop waiting.”

Until your own words return, these are yours to borrow.