Reading · Deliberately Difficult & Laughing

This is Deliberately Difficult & Laughing. The place for all women who are done with the “good” girl/woman/wife/mother performance. Unlocking how to: break down invisible barriers, show up with genuine authenticity, grow the courage to be disliked, whittle down perfectionism, and practice proper self-care.

Hi there

I’ve been heads down in research and writing. And on automating tasks I need to do on a daily or weekly basis that take way too much time to do manually. And are boring to boot, so no good for my easily bored neurodivergent parts. 😇

And I’ve been feeling sorry for myself.

Because I suffered three significant financial setbacks recently. And those made me reflect on how my employed career panned out, the decisions I made during it. And contrast them with decision other people made and what that got them.

Like sticking with a dysfunctional / toxic employer.

Because they were the breadwinner (allowing their partner to focus on his writing) or because they only received recognition for their contribution very late and by means that meant waiting for them to “mature” (like stock options).

Their “stick it out” decision, eventually got them rewards like promotions and increased pay, that I didn’t because I usually voted with my feet within 2-3 years.

Only two employers ever managed to keep me interested and engaged for 8-9 years.

Even if I could have done what they did, I had no real reason to. I only had myself and my animals to take into account. Increasing “now” income and paying longer into a pension (to increase retirement income) never felt “real” or urgent. So I didn’t.

The consequences?

Financially not too bright for my retirement. In all other respects: very, very, very happy with them. And I’m working on those finances 😎.

Mary Beard appeared on Question Time on 17 January 2013 to discuss whether public services could cope with an influx of migrants from Bulgaria and Romania (when they joined the European Union, Brexit hadn’t happened then yet).

She came prepared. She’d read the Boston local authority report on population change. Boston was where the migration pressure was and you’d be justified assuming they knew what they were talking about.

She answered the questions from the evidence. Also indicating that immigration may actually have positive impacts.

But that wasn’t what the public wanted to hear.

And while the on air discussion remained civil despite obvious disagreement, the aftermath did not. By any means or stretch of the imagination.

As so often happens to people stating the unpopular, she wasn’t faulted for her arguments. No. She was attacked about her appearance, her gender, and her name. Much of it happened on the anonymous message board DSMO (Don’t Start Me Off). The site named her “Twat of the Week”. Its owner (and moderator) issued a defensive statement that reads and was widely read as a non-apology. Interestingly, and in a way a vindication for Mary Beard, shut down in late January 2013. Because it had become “unwieldy and impossible to moderate”.

Mary Beard described what she received (reactions weren’t limited to message boards) as “a fairly predictable menu of rape, bombing, murder and so forth (I may sound very relaxed about it now; that doesn’t mean it’s not scary when it comes late at night).”

She received a bomb threat via Twitter hours after Tony Want (Twitter’s UK general manager) had apologized to women abused on the platform.

She reported it to police. Not because she was thought to be in physical danger, but to have it logged. Bravo! Numbers are needed to fight anyone who thinks women overreact to every little thing (usually those who have no experience as a woman in this world).

Now, why am I relating all this?

Not to give you a sob story, to bemoan our lot, or wallow in the injustice.

It’s to celebrate what Mary Beard did next.

She kept her accounts and still tweets. In 2023 she said: “I used to smoke, so I use Twitter as a kind of fag break”.
She invited followers to flood the DSMO boards with Latin poetry.
Classy, creative, and funny payback. Love it.
She named and confronted the trolls publicly. Got apologies. One she later met for lunch and wrote him (a then reformed troll) a job reference.?
How big do you need to be — and how small and strong your ego — to do that?
She documented the 2013 abuse on her blog.

Far more important, though, is what she did in her capacity as a Cambridge professor.

She researched the phenomenon of silencing women. Not by arguing with the points they make. No, that’s far too hard. Instead by attacking their character, their appearance, and anything else they can’t change. Much like the Medieval men did with women on their lists of strong women who were a little too strong to their liking.

She lectured on it. Wrote a book about it. Which landed in the middle of #metoo.

The question she asked herself: “one of the questions at the back of my mind is the connection between publicly speaking out in support of a female logo on a banknote, Twitter threats of rape and decapitation, and Telemachus’ put-down of Penelope.”

And states: “the more I have looked at the threats and insults that women have received, the more I have found that they fit into the old patterns I’ve been talking about”.

And yes, Telemachus’ sending Penelope back to her room to get on with her weaving when she asked the bard for a happier song, is the first recorded example of a men telling a woman to shut up.

It wasn’t the last. In fiction or real life.

Her conclusion: “right where written evidence for Western culture starts, women’s voices are not being heard in the public sphere; more than that, as Homer has it, an integral part of growing up, as a man, is learning to take control of public utterance and to silence the female of the species.”

Note that it was the first recorded example, where written evidence for Western culture starts. Bear in mind that by then patriarchy was several millennia old.

It’ll take a while to bend it. But bend it will. As long as we, like Mary Beard, speak up and speak out against the nonsense it feeds women and men.

Women are 11 times more likely to be labeled “abrasive” and 7 times more likely to be described as “opinionated” in performance reviews.

They aren’t meant as compliments.

And the behavior isn’t the problem.

Because the exact same behavior earns males positive labels and reviews.

The problem is patriarchally conditioned behavior expectations.

Oh and males having been conditioned into having big egos (which are weak and brittle while small egos are strong and solid) which makes them mostly incapable of being around and working with strong women.

So, see the labels as a compliment. You’re doing something right.

At the same time, it sucks. Majorly. Because acting as a female gets you labeled negatively and showing more “typically male” behavior does as well.

However, changing the water we all swim in is not a viable short-term proposition.

So, if you want to get the reviews and the promotions your abilities and track record deserve, you’ll need to adjust. Not enough to step outside of your integrity and authenticity. But just enough not to incur the negative consequences.

That’s a balancing act. Of language and communication. Not by softening or using deferent language. But by using phrases that mean the same but are taken differently.

For example, replacing a flat and outright “No” with “That doesn’t work for me.” And leaving that hanging so your counterpart needs to do the work to persuade you. Which you are under no obligation to be persuaded by!

Oh, and learning and applying negotiation strategy and tactics and applying them for your own benefit, not just when advocating for others. I’d start with Chris Voss’ excellent book “Never split the difference.”

The three most recent articles I published on Deliberately Difficult & Laughing:

Amelia Earhart: 16th female licensed aviator and so much more
Trailblazing and inspiring women #2
Perfectionist? Had enough? Does no good to lower your standards. There’s a better way.
Perfectionism comes in three flavors: cruel, toxic, and delusional.
Your natural state is “difficult”: assertive, capable, & cut out for whatever you envision for yourself
It’s the natural state of any human being. But one you were conditioned out of believing.

And on 42 Sidenotes:

Shattering the silence
With a bit of background information and… questions for you to influence the future

I have no regrets about my decisions even if their consequences pose challenges now.

For the most part because I don’t “do” regret. I find it an energy sink. And futile, besides. No use crying over spilt milk. I’d rather look forward and figure out how to address them.

Doesn’t make the consequences any more fun, but is 1000% better for my state of mind and my general mood. And that, in turn, helps me address them because cognition (mine and yours!) functions better in that state.

What is a consequence you are facing and dealing with right now?

Be my hero and share your experience? I love stories (don’t we all). And if there’s any way I can help, you specifically, or others dealing with something similar by writing about it, then I’m all for that.

So, hit reply, or if you’re reading this on the publication:

DD&L #3: Consequences, Mary Beard, labeling behavior

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