7 short Dutch quips as mischievous retorts to detractors

This is Deliberately Difficult & Laughing. The place for all women who are done with the “good” girl/woman/wife/mother performance. Unlocking how to: break down invisible barriers, show up with genuine authenticity, grow the courage to be disliked, whittle down perfectionism, and practice proper self-care.

Nasty neighbor calls me eigenwijs.1

Not a compliment in his mind.2

To me it is.

I’ve been eigenwijs all my life, and proud of it.

Anyone calling me eigenwijs to shame me will van een koude kermis terugkomen.3

That said, and though I don’t feel the slightest need to change, I do feel the urge to hit back (yep, I’m human, very human).

It was triggered again and again by the unavoidability of encountering him and everything associated with him. As well as the likelihood of him uttering more words of disapproval at me.4

I hate how much energy and time this is consuming.

How much light of day I’m giving to someone I actually don’t care about at all.

So, I simply had to find a way to silence both nasty neighbor and my autist who keeps rehearsing future conversations with him.

Quickly. Succinctly.

I wanted short phrases.

• Ones I can spout without thinking or messing up the phrasing.

• Ones that tell my autist and my subconscious I’m okay and don’t need further rehearsal or keeping safe.

• Ones that tell nasty neighbor to go take a hike without making it about him.

In other words: phrases to reject a detractor’s shame labeling statements — throwing their judgments right back at them without stooping to their level — and refuse to give it any light of day in my mind.

Here’s my harvest of them.

• Gelukkig wel

• Doe ik speciaal voor jou

• Voor jou nog een graadje meer

• Voelt zooo heerlijk, joh

• Wen er maar aan

• Al mijn hele leven

• Ja, joh? Or: Ja, joh!

All gobbledygook to you, I expect (unless you are or speak Dutch, obviously), so let me go through and translate / explain them.

English: Fortunately, yes

In this context “wel” has no good translation to English and tends to get left out. I put “yes” in because in this case “wel” is an affirmative.

It’s my favorite. Because

• it’s short.

• it throws the slight right back.

• it claims and owns the supposedly undesirable trait.5

English: I do it especially for you

I like it because it says

• I do eigenwijs, it’s a behavior not a trait.

• I choose to act like that.

• I elect it as though it’s a favor to the recipient.

English: For you a degree more

I like it because it says

• I am and I’m not phased about it.

• I pile it on just for you.

• I don’t care if it pisses you off (even more).

English: Feels sooo delicious, man

The “joh” is translated to “man”, but in Dutch it’s ungendered.

I like it because it says

• I know and I do it because I enjoy doing it.

English: Get used to it

I like it because it says

• I know and it’s not going to change.

English: My whole life already

I like it because it says

• What? You noticed? Only now?

English: Oh really? Or: Yes, man!

Again: the “joh” is translated to “man”, but in Dutch it’s ungendered.

I like the question version because

• it’s sarcastic

• doesn’t agree and doesn’t disagree

I like the statement version because

• It’s ambiguous. I could be agreeing to the shame label and I could be calling out the shame labeler’s words. Like I also could with the sarcastic use of Toe maar! (Go ahead!).

Both versions leave the shame labeler wondering… <evil grin>

All these phrases have two things in common:

they own my behavior without defending it

and

they are about me

When you fully own your behavior without defending it and you use phrases that are solely about you (or not about anyone, like #7):

• you disarm the detractors: you take their weapons away.

• you clearly communicate they don’t have a hold over you.

• you don’t stoop to their level of emotional (im)maturity.

And that’s precisely what anyone, woman or man, deserves who uses shaming to diminish you or to get you to behave in a way that they can remain comfortable.

Come to think of it:

laugh delivering these phrases. That’ll tell them that you’re amused, not taking them seriously. That their remarks glide off of your back like water of a duck’s.

Have you gotten to the point that you’re entirely fed up with people shaming you to get what they want?

Have you found a way to deal with them so they don’t take up more energy, time, and light of day from you?

Have you come up with a list of phrases to cut short their effect on you?

Let’s help everyone who’s fed up but hasn’t found a way out yet.

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Live long and prosper.