What Summer means now

First of all, it is a beautiful day and I don’t really have anywhere to be. Not that I have nothing to do — I have lots of marketing and follow-up I should be doing — but I have nowhere I want to be. It’s summer and early August and I’m feeling like I don’t want to be in NYC, most certainly not in my apartment.

Secondly, hello! It’s been a hot minute since I’ve written here, and perhaps the reason(s) why are the things I’m realizing as I write this.

We aren’t able to travel much these days (a little problem of being a freelancer/having a small business x 2) but regardless we’re normally here with our kids. And in the past, when we went out of town in the summers, either to family who live out of town, or a quick getaway vacation rental in CT or the Hudson Valley or the Cape (way back when), or even abroad (did it in 2023 for a big trip), we were all together.

This year my older one, Z, has been in Chicago all summer for an internship. It’s great! He’s doing what he wants to do and was lucky enough to actually land a job (paid!) in the field he’s interested in. He’s going into his Senior year in college, and this is great experience that will serve him well as he moves out into the world. But, he’s been gone.

My younger son, T, also got a job (whew!) working at a restaurant in the city, which he’s loving, and is basically never home. When he’s not at work, he’s playing soccer and/or hanging with friends. Again, it’s great. He shouldn’t be sitting at home, staring at his phone or having dinner with us every night. He’s going into his Freshman year in college and is gearing up. But, he’s been gone.

I booked a trip for the three of us to go to Chicago to visit Z last month. We stayed in the city for two nights, Z with us at our Airbnb, bopping around even as the smoke descended from Canada, enjoying the city and watching a good bad movie all together on the couch after dinner out. Then we all four took a trip up to Michigan to spend a few days on the lake, swimming and walking and grilling and watching a good scary movie all together on the couch. It was so great. I realized that if we didn’t plan it, we wouldn’t all be together much at all this summer, but I didn’t realize how very true that is until recently.

Z finishes up this week and comes home Saturday, then leaves immediately to visit friends. Then he’s home for 2 days and leaves again, and while he’s gone we’ll take T to pre-season and move him into his dorm. Luckily I booked a dinner for us all on Tuesday—that’s what we get.

Over the course of the day today I have felt increasingly distracted and more and more listless and out of it. And then I just felt sad. Although T has been gone the last two years at school (we moved him out of the city for soccer), we didn’t have a fully empty nest because he still felt like he was…ours, like he was still kind of officially or unofficially at home. When I say that he’s off to college in the fall people have said, “Oh! Empty nest!” I’ve been like, “Well, yeah, but it won’t be new to us,” all confident. I so have this. Now I can feel that it’s shifted. It will be new to us. I don’t have this at all.

I’m so proud of them both and know they’re so ready to do what they’re doing and it’s just what they should be doing. I’m just not sure I’m ready.