[SECRET] Deidream #57: They’re Exactly Like Us

An author’s note

Trigger warnings for mentions of childhood sexual abuse, pedophilia, rape, physical abuse, and assault. A sister post to MANEATER, a year later.

Words of wisdom from those who came before. + Something I read that shaped me.

“Master, what gnaws at them so hideously
Their lamentation stuns the very air?”
“They have no hope of death,” he answered me,
“and in their blind and unattaining state
Their miserable lives have sunk so low
That they must envy every other fate.”

Canto III of Dante Alighieri's Inferno, as translated by John Ciardi

Hateration in the dancery as a healing practice.

You know who you are. Ugggggglass.

Why I’m here. What I’m mulling over.

What’s the girlie pop equivalent of “If you see da police, Warn-A-Brother” so that people understand that part of protecting each other from predators is actually pulling someone aside and saying explicitly “This person is dangerous and you should reconsider being around them,” instead of like…gossiping or having conversations for years about it instead?

I think so often about how long we knew Robert Kelly was a piece of shit. Whole entire adults knew he was a predator, but still let us grow up singing “Trapped in the Closet ” as kids. He was calling himself the Pied Piper for chrissake. Cookout music is not that hard to come by; y’all just lazy.

I used to wonder “HOW do abusers get away for SOOOOOO LONG??”

And then.

So a few years ago, I was almost taken in by an abusive narcissist, and no one around me clocked him for what he was until what he was was absolutely undeniable. By then, I was already happily planting the seeds of the life I wanted, so when the whole thing finally cracked open, I continued on my way. I’d come to his narcissistic feeding ground after being invited by a friend, and once I gathered enough data and was able to match it up with the signals my body was giving me long before I had a name for it, I hit the bricks. Something was wrong, and I just wasn’t trying to stick around to find out what. I found out much later that he’d been furious enough that it didn’t work on me to use my name to try to manipulate others. Unfortunately for him, 1) I’d seen his type before, 2) I wasn’t scared of him, 3) I was aware I was smarter than he was, 4) I wasn’t attracted to him, 5) I can be fond of you just fine but that goes out the door the moment I find out you’re a dickhead, 6) I’m really good at pretending I don’t understand when someone is trying to manipulate me long enough to find proof that they’re a dickhead.

I will not spend time here discussing the people he victimized. That’s not my story, and I only wish them well. I hope they all got their lick back.

What I want to use this space to do is to point out, with specificity, that I (a person who had experienced abuse before) was absolutely shocked at how quickly I was led into a lion’s den, considering how “good” we all got at “spotting” abusive behavior and “calling out abusers.”

I’m not one to fall for cults…

(I don’t like or trust most people enough for that tbh and love being in my house.)

…but this one almost got me because it was peer-reviewed by a person I deeply trusted. My body knew before I did how unsafe I felt, but I ignored the check engine lights in order to see the best in people and believe in "community” (barf). Eventually, there were several incidents that showed me that not only were boundaries around gender, money, and time incredibly porous, but things I told to one person were shared back to me via another person, but with my intentions twisted. BIG ASS RED FLAG. You spread my business because there’s some psychosexual shit I didn’t know you all were tangled in behind the scenes?

I’m out. I’ve heard this song before.

Thinking of what I dodged, I give my ancestors extra gifts for answering my prayers of protection and helping me feel what remained unseen and unconfirmed for an entire year after I’d left. In addition to his victim’s (understandable) silence, the abuser in question benefited from their enabling (less understandable), their active recruitment of new people who were often other women (least understandable), the earnest naivety of several others (including my own), and frankly…….

Which brings me to the namesake of this piece.

Kung Fu Kenny tried in his own way to display his discernment….I guess? The irony of the spectacle with that Maple Leaf Lightskin Terror is that it made joking about hating and calling people out “enough” of an “action” against abusers for a lot of people who likely would not know how to aid a victim and deplatform an abuser for good, even if they recognize them. And Kung Fu Kenny has been noticeably mum on his own mentor’s past AND allegations against the other rapper whose involvement with the NFL likely gave him a leg up toward the Super Bowl in the first place.

(“We’ve moved past kneeling….” but are the actionable items and change in the room with us?)

When That Lady’s husband was named alongside Seanathan Combs in a lawsuit, and now allegedly mentioned in The Files the internet loves to meme about so much, and Kendrick didn’t have a diss track prepared, I went “oh….”

Celebrity got our asses with spectacle AGAIN.

Why is everything a spectacle in our current culture? Will I ever “get over” how annoyed and uncomfortable I am? Is it my responsibility as a survivor to “get over it?” Is it not warping anyone else’s mind just a tad that punchlines about pedophilia had people laughing so much? For so long? I grew up a little Black girl victimized in an era when people LOVED making pee jokes about Robert Kelly every time his songs blasted over the speakers on a neighbor’s stoop. Now, I’m a grown woman flinching and cringing whenever she opens the comments on IG lest she find ANOTHER No Diddy joke in the wild.

Maybe I’d feel different if justice were possible in my personal life. Maybe I’d feel better if we lived in the kind of world where systemic (Free Palestine, gun control NOW, free lunches for all) and personal harm to children was taken more seriously. Maybe I’d be satisfied if I could gaze into the future (That’s so Raven~) and see that this is the start of a long overdue abuser reckoning in Hip Hop and pop culture.

But nope.

When my (former) lifelong fave Usher announced a joint tour with Chris “Restraining Order” Brown, I remembered his photos with ~Uncle Russ~, who is abroad because he got some ‘splainin to do. I remembered that Usher was in the eye of the storm with DIDDY, AS A CHILD, and I look at Justin Bieber’s crash out and recent choices like 👀👀👀👀👀.

Something something smoke…fire….

Because for those of us who survived? Those of us violence has not doomed to an early grave? We can sometimes look at someone else and notice the haunted feeling. And sometimes, you can tell who’s tired of masking the agony of living through what they’ve been through.

The Not Like Us era was #METOO with a danceable backbeat and far less consequence. I think of that moment of culture and sigh when I realize that some men literally could not and would not clock an abusive man if he waved the red flags in their faces because patriarchy and opportunity make them colorblind. And even if they aren’t colorblind, I find I’ve interacted with enough men, women, and nonbinary baddies who’d seemingly rather let you skip into the lion’s den and get hurt so they can say I told you so. Or it’s all theory and philosophy, and when action time comes, it’s crickets. Or worse, it’s talks of how gullible or naive the victimized were because we love a “I always knew he/she/they was weird” after the fact.

So passive.

After my most recent too little too late “I’m sorry I didn’t know that was happening to you”, all I can think about is how often we leave people who have already been victims to be victimized again, and I tell ya….that just doesn’t sit right with me. There are more ~funny~ memes about the culture of pedophilia and rapists and violent narcissists than there are pedophiles and rapists and violent narcissists being (REDACTED).

Remember, I’m not a survivor who forgives.1

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Judith_beheading_Holofernes

So I’ve decided, the passive get tossed in the bin right alongside the rest. I won’t be standing next to you during The Revolution.

Going the way of Dante, baby.

The inaction is the sin.

I was soooo excited — I thought “FINALLY. We’re calling weird motherfuckers weird to their face!! Someone is gonna get his ass outta here!” and then I remember this is the same world that still listens to fifty song Chris Brown “albums.” This is the same world where Trump is president again. This is the same world where motherfuckers are grooming and selling kids, and I’m supposed to answer emails on time.

A halftime show and two years later, and here’s the evil lightskin in question on a “redemption” arc by channeling another man who, outside of his music, is most famous for his (alleged! do not sue me!!) abuse of no fewer than six children. And I get it. MJ is truly harder to let go of because, unlike many of these bozos, the music stands the test of time. It’s still beautiful. We could consider his story to be one of a victimized child becoming a wounded adult who in turn (allegedly! do not sue me!!) victimized children. Such is the case for a lot of (allegeddddddd) abusers.

But what of us who want justice? Who want an end to this cycle of harm in our lifetime? Who want to be able to listen to music without having to do mental gymnastics or dodge barbed wire fences to do it?

Because he’s gone, the truth about The King of Peter Pan Syndrome may never come out, and justice is elusive. But Jay (allegedly) is still alive. Dre (the beats headphones remind me he beats women) is still alive. Drake (allegedly) is still alive. Throw a rock in Hollywood, and you hit an abuser who is still alive and beloved. “Hey, Brad,” and applause at the Oscars after we found out he beat Angelina and their children is wild work. Same space that kicked Will for slapping another grown man and opp who had been creepy about his wife for DECADES, btw.

I don’t really have a grand point for this entry, beyond naming how bored I am of being a survivor of violence where people can’t, won’t, or don’t care for that part of me. It’s a little lonely and a lot tiring to be triggered constantly just so people can pretend that pedophiles and rapists and narcissistic abusers are outliers instead of so deeply normalized that we make celebrities and presidents of them.

Boring!!!

BOOOOOOOO!!!

The frank matter of fact is that abusers are exactly like us. That’s why they’re tricky to spot and slippery to catch. But my goodness — if you’re not going to do a bit of your part to be explicit in your disdain or callout of them when they’re right there in your face, right there in your neighborhood, right there in your group chat, right there in your family, right there in your band, right there in your thank you speeches….I think the very least you could do is not posture about pedophilia in 4/4 time.

Especially if people you allegedly care for cannot see the wolf in sheep’s clothing you allegedly spotted so long ago.

I have more complex feelings about Kendrick and Not Like Us as a musical work, but for now, I’ll reiterate — inaction and allowing people to be victimized where you can see them makes you a clown.

At least in the world I occupy.

Pray the sword I’m sharpening don’t find you.

Forward.

A song I’ve had on repeat lately

“They say ‘Eat the rich and the menu is the Epstein list.’” - Birds in the Sky by Jupiter the Muse

I’ve been listening to more indie musicians because celebrities continue to be so deeply unserious, and this one holds a very special place in my heart. Not only is kid talented, but he’s consistently on the right side of history. Truly the future of the genre tbh.

Listen to his latest project The Silversmith’s Tongue.

Speaking of artists, I finally started a script for a revenge story I’ve been noodling on for the last few years. As such, the rest of this entry is a secret for my paid co-conspirators.

See you later~