A deep state of absurdity
Joining Donald Trump’s July 4th display of deadly military might will be the biggest bomb of all—10,000 unsold Tesla Cybertrucks. By sheer tonnage, it will be the most spectacular display of unwanted merchandise in US history. The Cybertruck convoy will be four vehicles wide, stretching for ten miles. It’s a fabulous, patriotic end for the [ ]
Elon Musk is grotesquely rich, but he has a lot of heart for those who are still a few bucks shy of their first billion. The Musk Store is now selling “Be Like Elon” products that can make anyone feel like the world’s richest man. Elon’s Beard is a high-tech puberty blocker for young men [ ]
Running out of companies to own, Elon Musk is moving on to countries. First up: Saudi Arabia, absorbed for a mere $2 trillion in Dogecoin. Musk s first royal decree: a rebranding. Saudi Arabia is now ArabX. Google Maps and Apple Maps have already embraced the change. The Persian Gulf, recently renamed Arabian Gulf by President [ ]
Hell-bent on streamlining Catholicism, Pope Leo XIV has recruited the world’s foremost efficiency expert. Elon Musk now heads the Vatican’s new Department of Papal Efficiency (DOPE)—and he s meeting the challenge with religious fervor. Appearing alongside the pontiff today, Musk outlined his plans to reinvigorate the business of faith. Starting in the fall, local churches will [ ]
As Elon Musk slashed and burned his way through the federal government, the little one was watching. Learning. Anxiously awaiting his afternoon cookie. Now, five-year-old X Æ A-Xii s moment is here—hand-picked by daddy to fill his oversized shoes at DOGE. Holding hands with his nanny, Mini-Musk was introduced as the new champion of government efficiency [ ]
With Tesla profits down 71%, Elon Musk is dreaming up radically new promotions to right the ship. At least five hot concepts are ready for launch. Dreamers. A free lifetime supply of “Proud Beta Tester” bumper stickers for those who still believe a true self-drive capability is in the works. Martian Madness. A $60,000 upgrade [ ]
Staying on-brand, DOGE has fired 20,000 rangers in the National Park Service. This time it isn t for poor performance—it s for being human. It s just the Replacement Theory in action, says Elon Musk. We ve replaced employees who squander valuable time eating and sleeping with a far more efficient team of robots. Serendipitously, these are Tesla-engineered Optimus [ ]
Move over MAGA. Make way for MAMA. Make America Manly Again is the ad slogan for a major new campaign from Home Depot featuring a chainsaw-slinging Elon Musk. The agreement will bring Musk to twenty Home Depot locations later this year where he will personally hawk chainsaws from RYOBI and Dewalt, emblazoned with exclusive MAMA [ ]
“I don’t see why I should have to pay if voters don t do what they re told,” says Musk. The crushing defeat of his chosen candidate in the Wisconsin Supreme Court election has sent Musk off on a Trump-quality day-after rant. “It’s a sad day for democracy and capitalism when money can’t even buy an election [ ]
It stops now! says Elon Musk, responding to increasing numbers of illegal attacks on Tesla vehicles and showrooms. Beginning May 1st, a series of Cybertruck defense systems will begin rolling out, starting with Cyberbolt — a military-grade flamethrower designed to punish enemies, real or imagined. These criminals have a mental illness, said Musk, and the [ ]