on figuring it out

it’s 7:30 PM, i put my airpods in and head on downstairs for a walk that i really needed after a whole day of sitting in front of my laptop, studying. I’ve started to enjoy these hour-ish walks i take in the evening, listening to podcasts or just my own thoughts. It’s dark and cloudy, it had just rained so the air is crisp and cold with leaves fallen on the floor. I walk past two kids sitting by the pool in my building who are oblivious to the world, nothing else to do on a friday evening—playing hand cricket. i smile to myself, the nostalgia comes at me in gushing waves; waiting for the bell to ring so i could play a quick match with my friends when i was more or less their age. the adrenaline, the excitement of winning a match. life was so much simpler when all you had to do was worry about homework.

i move past that thought and think about how my life is pretty much the same right now except i’m not playing hand cricket with my friends anymore. i still have home work, but it doesn’t feel all that simple anymore. there’s a cloud of pressure that manages to follow me where ever i go and threatens to burst any minute now. the pressure to have everything figured out so you don’t get left behind. constantly running from point A to point B scrambling for clues if you’re on the right path.

something about what i was feeling, reminded me of the book Days at the Morisaki Bookshop 1*. it’s one of those books that doesn’t have a strong character development or story but captures the essence of being in your twenties and just dealing with the human experience of it all really well. something that stayed with me from the book -

“the time passed by so quickly that i could never catch up”

Takako, is twenty five, dealing with difficulties at her first job, falling out of love, and feeling stuck in life, and is in pursuit of figuring out what to do with her life. Satoshi Yagisawa writes her character beautifully and presents a mentor of sorts in the form of Takako’s uncle who really guides her and helps her come into her own.

i was so lost in thought trying to draw parallels between Takako and me that i almost tripped while walking, and suddenly i was jerked back to the present. the host on the podcast i was listening to, says to no one in particular—”you don’t have to figure it all out right now. you just have to figure out—right now” (corporate wants you to find the difference between the two sentences.)

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turns out there’s a world of a difference, not intimidating however. calming, reassuring. maybe the host of this podcast is my guiding uncle who helps me become my own person, who knows. i don’t have to figure out the next 10 years right now, i just need to figure out what to do, right now. i breathe in, breathe out. the wind feels a lot more cooler. i hold on to that phrase with every morsel of my being and head home. i just need to figure out right now.