On bluntness in the workplace

I have a bit of a gripe to share today. Apologies because what follows will sound a tinge bratty but there is something here, I think.

Ok so, whenever I manage someone new, I start our relationship by sharing a questionnaire with them. It’s a list of questions to understand a bit more about who they are. It also contains questions meant to help me understand their comms style, aspirations and professional pet peeves. I share my answers to these questions as well (after I have theirs, so as not to influence any answers or impose any judgments unintentionally) to set us up for success. 

One of the questions is “Describe yourself in 3 words.” A very frequent answer to this question that I keep getting is the adjective blunt (or direct). This is also a very frequent thing people like to say to each other when they are introduced by mutual friends at a party. Or by colleagues at a conference. Or a leader introducing themselves to a team. It’s in a lot of panelists’ bios.

People love to tell people that they are blunt. That, with them, you don’t have to play guessing games. That their bluntness is a gift they so generously give. You’re welcome. That they are of strong moral character. And I think most people who declare this (and it’s often DECLARED, or PROCLAIMED, or EXCLAIMED. That is to say, revealed with fanfare), believe that they are rare. They interrupt your regularly scheduled programming to inform you that they are blunt. You got lucky! That amongst all the charlatans and grifters in your path, you have fortunately stumbled upon them, a truth seer and sayer. Oh auspicious day! You can breathe an enormous sigh of relief, because Captain America is here, finally.

A paraphrased version of a quote by my favorite author, Kurt Vonnegut, seems appropriate here, and really resonates with me.

“The principle issue, is whether or not a person who is trying to tell the truth gives the impression of being an honest man.” - Kurt Vonnegut

Most people who say they are blunt, in my experience, are actually bad at building good relationships and are trying to shortcut their path to trust without doing the work. And while they try to do this, they actually put people off, and erode trust. Which is the last thing they want!! As Vonnegut implies in the above quote, self proclaimed truth sayers aren’t trustworthy by default. I believe this is because bluntness, and even honesty are very self-centered and self-centering descriptors. They’re easy to dole out fast. They’re cheap.

In contrast, being trustworthy, or trusted, are earned descriptors. They are harder to come by. They require the passage of time and consistent practice. You cannot simply brand yourself as trustworthy as if you are a consumer packaged good on a shelf. And bluntness, or being routinely blunt, especially in the workplace, is not a highly valued trait. It is experienced in a dissonant way by competent people on the receiving end of it. To the audience receiving it, bluntness feels unsettling, almost foreboding. It is unexamined. Sans empathy. Needlessly, carelessly and callously dramatic. Forceful. Hollow. In millennial-speak it’s a type of negging instead of authenticity or honesty. It’s laziness masquerading as a value.

The truth is that the people who pick up this mantle are actually saying I don’t like to listen. I don’t like to consider. I like to speak. And really, I like to impose my obstinate, emotionally charged views on others. I want respect and I don’t want to earn it. My go-to move is to take up space. Impose. I don’t want to do the work.

As I say above, proclaiming bluntness or honesty is not rare. I would even say that to some degree we all do this when we’re younger, in and out of the workplace. I know I did! And once I realized there was more value in listening, empathizing, synthesizing, examining, analyzing, hypothesizing and testing to understand what “truth” really is, everything changed. When you do the work of earning trust, you realize you are not the only one holding truth. That you can always be wrong and learn. That someone may illuminate something surprising to you. You live a richer life when you come at truth (or insight) as something you need to gather in every context as opposed to a superior, “Gotcha!” kind of thing. Bluntness should be replaced by earned trustworthiness.

Trusted, is a powerful descriptor that endures over the shaky, shady one that is blunt. I endeavor to be trusted. I am not blunt. Here’s to earning trust through consistent practice.

Have a great weekend.