Hyperfocus or procrastination?

I don’t actually really plan sitting down to write. It grabs me in the moment, when I think, “I should write about this.”

So I’ve just sat down with a vague notion in mind of what I would say, and it’s hit me. I just got a bunch of stuff done this morning—in the past two hours really and I’m feeling pretty good. Yay for me, right?

Here’s the list:

-My “morning routine”: get up, make bed, drink water, brush teeth, wash face, take meds, check glucose., eat breakfast.” [never really in that order]

-made onigiri from leftover rice and edamame

-marinated chicken for dinner

-cleaned out science experiments from fridge

-cleaned the litter boxes

-collated trash and recycling

-printed some checklist pages I’ll need for later

-washed a lot of dishes from last night/this morning

-made myself a coffee

And here what was actually on the list, that should have done by 8:30am

-My “morning routine”: get up, make bed, drink water, brush teeth, wash face, take meds, check glucose., eat breakfast.” [never really in that order]

-print checklist pages

The harder thing in this regard is starting a new art project for a local art call. It’s not the most important thing I could be doing, but it’s Sunday and I’m trying to divide my work week and the weekend. Monday I’ll resume getting organized for the semester and tying up the summer shows. Or at least that’s the plan I created.

Making art. For me. Shouldn’t be hard. At least this is what I tell myself, but I think it’s because I don’t actually know where to begin. Should I sketch it, make an inspiration board, gather materials, jump in? The theatre process feels more reliable for me because I’ve done it for years, but the sculpture process is still forming in my mind.

Does this feel familiar to you? I’m still celebrating getting a bunch of things done, even if unintended because it means that future me will eat really well in the next few days and save some lunch money.

But here I am, now getting started long after I planned to, which forces me to rearrange the schedule. I know that procrastinating is a big ADHD thing, because of the ability to regulate emotions around doing unfinished tasks. It feels more simple to do nothing because if I don’t start, I can’t fail. Of course, the longer I put things off, they larger they loom and overwhelm gets bigger and bigger.

Logical me, the one who copes through making schedules and checklists to try and prevent the cycle of procrastination, gets burned out hammering at tasks I just don’t want to do. My Brain searches for any modicum of distraction to take me away from the Viking drum of WORK WORK WORK.

Younger me had a lot of discipline, so I thought. I think fear of failure got me through a lot of things as a kid, and even as a young adult, all the way through grad school. If I failed, I was a worse human, not worthy of praise or accolades, I would be fired or humiliated. I was not worthy of love. Big and overexaggerated I know, but it was how I felt on a daily basis. So I buckled down—I was the good girl, good grades, good schools, all the things.

Enter learning how to ride the hyperfocus, which I feel leaving my body right now like a tide going out. When the muse, or super energy, or whatever you call it comes up, I know it’s time to get in gear with SOMETHING. I hope it will be the thing I need to be focusing on, but sometimes it’s another project, like this morning’s prep storm or a cleaning frenzy. A procrastination jag sure, but productive all the same. I need to feel like if I don’t succeed in some way, I failed the day and I failed myself.

Sigh. Too much to think about much more.

I need a nap.

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Let me know if this happens to you?