One day a giant likeness of a horse appeared on a beach outside the walled city of Troy, a besieged Anatolian ancient city, in northwest Turkey, near the Gullet, where just the day before thousands of Greek warriors had camped as they always had done for years, making sand castles, strolling the Boardwalk, chatting with Gods and attempting to take back their Queen from Troy by flinging sticks and big rocks at the fortress walls.
Inside the city of Troy were Prince Paris of Hilton and Helen, who had fled her husband King Agamemnon, son of King Parthenon, who was often mistaken for a temple and grandson of Calgon, inventor of bath beads, to be with Prince Paris of Hilton.
A decade before King Agamemnon, interviewed by TMZ, had vowed to raise an army of mighty Greek warriors, destroy all of Troy and make Paris of Hilton “do the ‘Zorba dance’ in Hades for all eternity while I drink his Uzo.”
One this day, much to the Trojans’ surprise, the Greeks appeared to have given up on their decades long assault, packed up their “I ‘heart’ Athena” beach umbrellas, rolled up their swords and pita bread in their beach towels and split for home.
The Trojans, believing the Greeks had left for Fort Lauderdale, Florida, opened their great gate. Slowly the warriors approached what appeared to them to be a giant gift left for them. Inside the horse Ulysses and his men heard the Trojan soldiers speculating.
A white flag would have been enough. I don’t get it. Why this huge thing? I don’t see any ribbons or card.
Shouldn’t there be a card? Where’s the festive wrapping? And what’s that sound inside it’s belly? Like mumbling. Sounds like indigestion. Who needs a sick horse?
I always wrap my gifts. That’s half the fun.
They concluded they were suspicious for three important reasons.
There was no delivery charge.
No one had rung the giant door bell on their giant gate.
And Prince Paris of Hilton told his men he had ordered nothing from the Amazons. Lately.
Inside the horse Ulysses and his mighty warriors from Ithaca, New York, waited until sunset to strike.
Note: The day before Ulysses asked his men to carry protection with them into Troy which was, at the time, suffering a terrible outbreak of a sexually transmitted disease called “Sisyphus”. Ulysses nicknamed their “protection” Trojans. Thousands of years later men still wear “Trojans”.
Note: Aesop is often wrongly credited with inventing the storytelling device known as the “rim shot”. The “rim shot” was invented by a Roman drummer named Rimmicus who, while working at the Colosseum in Rome, Georgia, struck the head and rim of his drum whenever a lion ate a Christian, a skill he was taught by an African gladiator named Badaboom Badabing.
Examining the giant horse, the Trojan soldiers spoke one to another.
Do you see what I see?
A saddle! And a pull string that makes it neigh!
Behold! A change box at it’s side! Ye Gods! It only costs a quarter to ride!
Alas, we don’t have any quarters.
And we aren’t giants. I’ll ask our Oracle to contact Zeus. Maybe his giant son, the Cyclops, would like it. Let’s get the whole crew out here to drag it inside our fortress.
Hey, look! A label. I can’t read it.
Me, either. It’s all Greek to me.
I can read it. It’s a “Roy Rogers’ Trigger” Rocking Horse!
We can sell it on that new Etruscan website! E-Truscan-Bay.
They hauled the gift inside the fortress. In the middle of the night Ulysses and his warriors emerged from inside the horse under its tail. As each trickster, disguised in brown from his helmet to his sandals dropped down to the ground, they made a “plopping” sound. This fooled any witnesses into thinking the giant horse was even more realistic than they imagined.
Ulysses gave his men their orders.
Acacia, you rape. Achilles, you kill. Androcles, assist any lions you meet.
Yes, sir.
Aesop, you’re in charge of writing home.
Yes, sir.
Leonides, you pillage.
Okey dokey.
Menelaos, you make gyros. The men will be hungry. The rest of you men follow me as l wander through the bloodbath. Look glum about the carnage we’re going to wreak.
King Agamemnon, nephew of King Algernon who later would write Beach Blanket Babylon, took back his Queen, Helen, and sailed for home. He mistakenly took Ulysses Smart Phone with him.
Note: Classics scholars tell. us it was the newest version, XXVI, with all the apps a sailor would need to find his way home.
Feeling abandoned, Ulysses threw his phone charger into the sea, cursed Neptune and prayed to Zeus for a Samsung.
I am Zeus. I demand an offering from you, Ulysses.
I’d sacrifice a phone sales associate to the Gods but we burned down all the Verizon outlets in Troy. How do you feel about Crypto?
Superman’s dog?
Nevermind.
Meanwhile, Ulysses’ wife, Penelope, back at their home was being courted by boors, a Minotaur and a poet from Crete who struggled to rhyme anything with “Penelope”.
Note: The one surviving work by the unknown poet, found on a wall in Antioch reads as follows.
I once saw a hot queen named Penelope
On the dusty road to Thessaly
I asked the fox to wed
She cried “My man’s not dead!”
Go give yourself an appendectomy
Penelope’s son Telemachus was unhappy that half of the island was hitting on his mom and the other half were pestering the sheep.
Mom.
Yes.
Dad is coming home, right?
Yes, Telemachus. He just needed to stop on his way home for a wee sip of Ouzo with the lads.
Twenty years?
Aye, son. One sip of Ouzo will do that to a man.
Ulysses and his crew sailed until they came upon an island they’d never seen before, an island with what appeared to be a giant dome, a half-buried sphere, atop its most prominent hill. In search of food and supplies Ulysses went ashore to explore the island. Atop the hill he was greeted by strange apelike creatures who were white as lime. Their giant knuckles dragged in the sand. Their tiny white rodent-like heads contrasted with their huge testicles which were the size of massive boulders. Together the pack projected a foul odor of putrid musk. One sneered and spoke.
We call ourselves the Elons! Welcome to our Man-o-sphere here on Manly Island! We are the Elon, Guardians of Manhood. And sworn enemy of all who are woke!
I am Ulysses. Are you sure this isn’t Crete? You behave like cretins.
Respect the penis, Ulysses! Bow before our God, Trumpanon Priapus!
Bow before my sword, freak. We come in peace.
Of course you come in peace. You and your men are woke little girly men. Woke! Woke! Woke!
Yes! I’m awake. You got me, Slingblade. Your powers of observation are amazing.
The Gods cursed us to be eternally angry about everything and anything. We feed on rage! Your crew is woke! And racially impure!! We see the different races mixed among your mongrel crew! Our Oracle tells us you rescued Helen from Troy! She is black!
Yeah and you all are as bloodless and white as blind cave fish. Is your favorite crayon color named “Albino”?
Here eat these, Ulysses, and give some to all your sissy boys.
What are they?
Jo-Rogan berries. They’ll help you to sleep walk through like we do. And they’ll help you lose the curse of empathy.
Listen, Rambo, we got to go.
And they’ll help you get the knuckle dragging look endorsed by Emperor Clavicular.
The Minotaur craps bigger turds than that loser. I hear you all have falafel balls between your legs.
You’re missing out on the best part! Nine out of ten Assyrians agree Jo-Rogan berries will boost your Testosterone levels.
No, thanks, Spanky. We got to go.
Stay for our daily ritual! It is time to begin. Break out the clubs!
A fight broke out between the Elons over who was more manly. They howled, thumped their chests and beat each other with their clubs mercilessly. Ulysses and his crew, who had seen enough of war to be disgusted by the Elons’ love of ball kicking and breaking teeth, sneaked back to their ship and went on their manly way.
At sea again, it wasn’t long until the Greeks spotted an island with a neon sign flashing ““One Eyed Jack’s-VACANCY” in the distance. Ulysses and his weary crew stopped at the island and wandered into the sole cave on the island where they met a cyclops named One-Eyed Jack who grabbed one of Ulysses’ men, devoured him alive and then accepted a beverage recommendation from Ulysses.
I think you’ll like this.
Yes?
A perfect wine that goes well with raw Greek meat.
Hm. I’m tempted.
Aged to perfection-just like you.
Oh, stop.
Tart yet sweet. Like you.
I said stop.
With a bouquet that calls to mind the siren’s call with just a hint of goat cheese. It has a 96 rating.
I don’t know…Sounds pretentious.
Open your eye. Try it.
The Cyclops drank the entire goatskin of wine, became drunk and told the following joke.
Why was the cyclops down on all fours -hiccup!- rooting around in the dirt looking for something? Give up? He’d lost his -hiccup!-contact len. Contact len! Get it? That’s my time, be sure to tip my sheep.”
And then he passed out. Three brave Greek warriors named Larry, Curly and Moe tip-toed up to the giant beast and poked One-Eyed Jack in the eye which gave Ulysses and his squad the chance to escape.
Note: Classics scholars cite this as the very first dine and dash in recorded history.
Note: Biblical scholars refute this claim. They cite a couple in Mesopotamia named Adam and Eve who performed the first dine and dash in history which took place at a paradise-themed garden restaurant called “Eden”, located south on Wilshire, at the corner of Tigris and Euphrates. Story goes after eating a temptation they couldn’t resist, a Forbidden Fruit Salad, they raced out of the place without paying for it.
Scholars speculate they were unable to pay because fig leaves had no pockets.
Back on their ship Ulysses and his crew drifted at sea until they landed on “Love Island” where they met 10 amazing “Goddesses”, with brains the size of olives, each hoping to win the heart of a Titan. Ulysses and his men fled after the Amazons seduced and killed the Titan and ate his heart.
They hopscotched their way across the Mediterranean to the next island, where Circe, a sorceress, turned Ulysses’ men into pigs.
Note: Circe would later give birth to Greece’s greatest winemaker, famous for his vast empire of vineyards that stretched across the ancient world: Alexander the Grape.
Sly Ulysses wanted his crew back.
Circe. You love animals, right?
Yes, Ulysses. More than men.
I have a gift for you.
What is it?
A ticket to see “The Sheep Detective”. I think you’ll like it. Agamemnon’s cousin, Hugh Jackmananon, plays the lead.
Circe was so moved by the gift she transformed Ulysses men back into their original selves, microwaved popcorn and allowed Ulysses and his men to return to their Greek Carnival Cruise Liner.
They got lost again.
They hung a left at Zakynthos when they should’ve turned right at Patmos. And then they confused Malta with Sardinia and took the ten to Aegina only to find I-40 was closed all the way to Karpathos.
Ulysses pleaded with the Goddess Athena for guidance.
O Athena. Help me. I wish I knew who had my Smart Phone.
Why?
It had navigation apps. I feel lost without it.
Feel lost? You feel lost?! By Zeus, you are lost!
Thanks for nothing. This is the last time I sacrifice a lamb for you.
They sailed on and on, and on the seventh day they sailed straight into Neptune’s terrifying gorge of death known to all who sail as the dreaded “It’s a Small World” ride. Ulysses ordered his men to tie him to the mast of the Carnival Cruise Liner so he could hear the Sirens sing “It’s a Small World after all” over and over and over without going stark raving mad.
Surviving that slice of Hell, their ship sailed straight into “Pirates of the Caribbean” where it was struck by a cannonball, smashing it to pieces, leaving Ulysses to be swept away to yet another island where he met Charlize Theron, and Wilson, her volleyball, becoming part of a threesome.
After a little time passed Ulysses asked her a question.
Charlize, what’s with Wilson?
He’s a mute.
Charlize, how long have I been here at Memory Care island?
One day. Take your med.
Seems longer.
Okay you’ve been here one week.
Seems a lot longer.
One month. Take your med.
No!
Okay. One year. You’ve been here a year.
I have to go.
Why?
My insurance only covers a year.
Ulysses had to check out so he built himself a raft.
Charlize gave Ulysses her friend Wilson for companionship, wished them well and went on to star in many famous Greek theatrical hits including “Mad Maximus”.
After a raft of troubles Ulysses finally got home where he was welcomed by his beloved Queen, Penelope.
Where have you been all this time? Out with the boys, again!?
Oh, hey, you know…uh..hey, I really missed you.
You’re 20-years late. Twenty!
Sorry…uh…Penny for your thoughts, Penelope baby.
Shut up. Why do you have Charlize Theron on your breath?
Uh…
Are you sure you’re a Greek?
Why?
Because of the way you’ve been endlessly Roman around the Mediterranean while I’ve been here all this time? The Spanokopita got cold!
Twenty Years?! I had no idea! Look, babe. I had…uh…chariot trouble! Yeah. That’s it. I had chariot trouble.
You left in a ship.
Hey who are all these guys hanging out here?
I got a job as a casting agent for “Love Island.” They’re auditioning for the “Hot Bachelor” gig. Girl has to do something to bring in the drachmas. Don’t change the subject. You left in a ship.
Where’s Telemachus?
He’s working. In sales.
Doing what?
Telemarketing.
Don’t change the subject. You left in a ship. Where is it?
Come away with me Penelope.
Where’s your fabulous ship?
Sank. Now I drive a Honda Mini-van.
What?
An Odyssey. They’re great. Nice and roomy. One thing though. It doesn’t have a horn.
No horn?
Yup. But the sirens are awesome.
Note: This is the earliest known “Dad Joke”. Later in 399 B.C. Socrates was sentenced to death for his “Dad Jokes” and forced to drink a fatal blend of Hemlock mixed with a flat Tab Soda.
Such irritating word play was no longer welcome in Ithaca and thus our hero ended up exiling himself from Ithaca, taking his Queen Penelope with him, happily drifting off into the sunset together.
Without his Smart Phone.
According to Homer, Ulysses and Penelope never stopped dreaming of finding a fresh audience for his terrible jokes.
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