To Be a Christian Father

In a conversation on Substack, a younger friend who is about to be a first-time dad suggested I write something on Christian masculinity, and particularly on fatherhood. I’ve been a bit hesitant because I’m not a parenting expert. This isn’t my normal Bible/theology stuff. I haven’t read extensively in this area. I don’t speak at seminars on the topic. I’ve just been a father for a long time. I can share, then, my own learnings, with no claim to particular expertise.

Two things before I get started: First, to be a Christian father is different than simply being a father. To be a Christian father means you are guided in all things by Christ, and your intention is to raise up your children to know, love, and honor Christ. That changes the key of everything you do.

Second, I haven’t done all this stuff very well at times. I’ve made plenty of mistakes as a father and a husband. Much of what’s here is rooted in the experiences of a dad who has stepped on the proverbial rake on more than one occasion. That’s part of being a father. We make mistakes. We learn. We repent. We do better.

This advice is surely incomplete and otherwise imperfect, but I hope in some small way it may be helpful, particularly to new fathers. Maybe this is what my friend and colleague John Ragsdale calls “old guy wisdom.”

We should model our love as fathers upon the love of God the Father for his own children. “See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!” God has made known his love for us in abundance. We should do the same for our own children.

If fathers don’t do this, two things will happen later: (1) they’ll regret it; (2) their kids will regret it. Tell your kids every day that you love them. Tell them you love them when you’re happy with them and when you’re mad at them. They have to know that your fatherly love is unbreakable. When they mess up big time—and they will do this at some point—whatever else they may feel, they should know you still love them. They may be in a whole heap of trouble, but you still love them. If they know this, it defines your relationship and comes to bear on all your interactions. The knowledge that you love them is always churning in the background. We may not perceive it in all cases, but it makes a difference.

There’s an episode of 30 Rock in which Don Geiss, the CEO of GE, is on his deathbed. Just before he takes his last breath, Geiss utters one final lament: “I wish I’d worked more.” It’s funny because… well… no one actually says that. Many people wish they had worked less, that they had spent more time with their loved ones. These key relationships in our lives matter. The time we spend with our kids not only helps them become healthy, well-adjusted adults, but edifies us as parents as well.

Find out what your kids like and do that with them. One of my sons loves to play basketball. I logged a lot of hours helping him work on his game, and I loved it. Was I beat up, bruised, and sore from playing a teenager in basketball? You bet I was. I got better.

There’s no substitute for personal attention. It conveys that you value another person. It expresses that person’s importance to you. Your kids need to know they matter. Words are important, but time is essential.

And yes, we have to work, clean the house, mow the lawn, etc. We have a network of relationships to which we need to attend, including those with friends, siblings, and our own parents. We can’t spend all our time with our kids, but fortunately that’s not necessary. They don’t need all our attention. What they need is consistent, focused attention.

We’re the adults. We know things, right? Of course we do, but we have blind spots. Listening carefully to what our kids have to say helps us to parent them well. It helps us to see where they are struggling, what they’re wrestling with, and where they’re growing. It helps us to learn what their gifts are. Listening is also a form of respect. If we want respect from our kids, we can model respectful behavior by the way in which we interact with them.

Kids need boundaries. Let me say it again for the people in the back: KIDS NEED BOUNDARIES. They need to know where the boundaries are and what will happen when they cross them. It’s easy to believe that kids are happier when they can do whatever they want. The idolatry of self expression so rampant in our world may lead us to believe that the child with the most freedom will be the happiest child. That is a lie. An unstructured world is frightening. A world in which we don’t know right and wrong, helpful and harmful, polite and impolite is too chaotic to sustain happiness.

Boundaries are crucial, but any kid worth his or her salt will push the boundaries. At that point, it’s necessary to bring them back into line, not with anger, but with clarity. “Here’s where the line is. You crossed it. This is the consequence.” It’s important that they know the consequences up front. Arbitrary consequences are also chaotic. Children need a certain level of predictability to feel safe. Is it possible to take this too far? Of course it is, but that’s no reason to slack on the job of setting boundaries and establishing appropriate consequences.

You’re their father. Need I say more? If you don’t look out for them, who will? No, you don’t need to be a helicopter parent. You don’t need to be the dad who’s coincidentally cleaning his shotgun when his daughter’s date comes over. But you’ve been on this earth for a while. Presumably you have gained some wisdom. In general, you know what is good and bad for your child. You can see who has your child’s best interest at heart. Act accordingly.

Talk to your children about your faith. Show by your example how to follow Jesus. Ephesians 6:4 teaches fathers to bring children up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. As a father, your example will have a huge effect on the way in which your children think, speak, and live. It is far more likely your children will follow Jesus when they are older if they have seen you following him when they are younger. Pray with them. Read the Bible with them. Let them see you engage in acts of compassion. Take your children to church every week—not once a month, but every week. Let them see that this is a priority for you. Make sure the church you take them to is one that teaches the historic faith and does it well. Do not make them sit through milquetoast gatherings of little substance. Don’t allow them to sit under false teaching. The reason to take them to church is so that they will encounter the gospel among a community of people who are themselves committed to the gospel.

“Train children in the right way, and when old, they will not stray” (Proverbs 22:6). You’re not the only one involved in the raising of your child. Others are as well. Choose carefully whom you wish to involve. Forgive me if I’m a bit bold here. I have strong feelings. The setting of your child’s education matters.

Think about it: your children are in school 7-8 hours a day (and sometimes more), five days a week, for twelve years. Their school years represent a huge period of intellectual and moral formation. At school they will be influenced by their teachers, but perhaps even more so by the peer groups they form. I know this is a touchy subject, but I recommend that those who are able put their kids in a classical Christian school. If you can’t do that, and if you’re able to homeschool your kids, that is another good option. In both cases they will benefit intellectually, morally, and spiritually from this environment.

I know the rebuttal is, “We want our kids to be salt and light!” Remember, though, we’re talking about kids, not adults. Their ideas about the world are much more malleable than they will be when they get older. They are more impressionable. They are more subject to peer pressure. On the level of their formal education, they will be subject to the expression of values, whether the teacher acknowledges this or not. Education always expresses certain values. What values are our kids taking in from 8:00-4:00 every day? They will also learn values from their peer groups. Of course you will teach them values as a parent, and they will presumably learn the faith both at home and in church. Once they hit a certain age, though, their teachers and friends will see them more often than you will. In this post-Christendom age, the cultural sea in which your kids are swimming may be quite hostile to the faith. As our kids develop intellectually, we want to assure that they also develop faith and values consistent with the Christian witness.

Life is not one unbroken boulevard of green lights. We will invariably encounter obstacles, setbacks, heartache, and disappointment. The ability to press on through these situations is a major determinant of what we will accomplish in life. On this point, I recommend Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance, by Angela Duckworth, as well as The Coddling of the American Mind, by Greg Lukianoff and Jonathan Haidt.

When I was a kid, I was a Boy Scout. I remember going on a long hike, but the waist strap on my pack wasn’t working right. It began to hurt, even to cut into my waist. As the hike went on, I struggled to the point where I wasn’t sure I could continue. I did continue, though, and I finished the hike. I’ve never forgotten that day, first because I remember how much it hurt carrying that backpack, but also because I didn’t quit. I realized I could do more than I thought. That was one experience among others that helped me learn to persevere through challenges.

Kids develop resilience when they face difficulties. Back to #5 above, it’s important that we protect our children. Excessive protection, however, has a negative effect on their development. If we fight all their battles for them, if we deprive them of the opportunity to overcome hardships, they will never develop the mental and emotional toughness necessary to navigate the difficulties they will invariably face as adults.

Marriage isn’t easy. It requires work, commitment, self-discipline, and self-sacrifice. If you wish to have a meaningful relationship with your wife across decades, you must commit yourself to her and to the health of your marriage. You can’t just put the plane on autopilot; eventually it will run out of fuel. How you conduct yourself within your marriage will communicate certain values to your kids. Put differently, your children will see how you treat your wife, and what they see in you will affect the patterns they adopt in their own relationships.

Paul instructs Christian husbands to “love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25). In other words, the love of a husband for a wife should be self-giving, even self-sacrificing. Never embarrass your wife. Don’t demean her in front of others—or in private. “The tongue is a fire,” says James (3:6). Don’t set your marriage on fire with careless words. Treat your wife with respect. It’s possible to do this even when you are arguing, even when you’re really mad. For the health of your marriage, you may have to go to marriage counseling at some point. Do it. Don’t hesitate. Put your pride away. Prioritize your marriage and the wellbeing of your family.

It’s not enough, moreover, just to treat your wife well in front of your kids. You must treat her with respect and love when you think they aren’t looking—even when you’re mad, even when it’s difficult. Your kids will perceive the way in which you regard her. Children pick up more than we often realize. You can help them understand what a healthy marriage looks like by modeling that yourself.

“Have that same mind in you that was in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 2:5). This goes for fatherhood as well as every other part of your life. Christ did not seek his own glory and honor, but humbled himself for others. At times, you’ll have to do this, too.

Your children are not a way for you to fulfill your unfulfilled dreams. If you’re the guy who almost made it to AAA ball playing catcher, that’s no reason to push your kid to the point of exhaustion training for baseball. I’ve seen this kind of scenario more than once. Guess what happens? The kid ends up hating baseball (or whatever it is).

Little league sports almost did me in. It wasn’t the kids. I loved the kids. It was the parents. You’d think the future of all mankind rested on whether or not some poor ten-year-old second-baseman tagged the runner out. And the crazy part is, when the parents get this excited, no one’s having fun. The parents aren’t having fun. The kids aren’t having fun. The umpire who might be getting paid $30 to put up with the out-of-control parents sitting behind home plate sure as heck isn’t having fun.

Don’t make your kid’s success about you. Build your kids up, offer correction when necessary, and guide them into becoming virtuous, Christian adults. Your kid may not like the things you like. I had an uncle who loved football. One of his sons became a highly accomplished ballet dancer. That’s how it goes sometimes. It’s okay to be proud of your kids’ successes. I sure am. But they’re not you, nor vice versa. Delight in the victories of your children for your children’s sake, not your own.

One more point on parenting with humility: recognize when you have made mistakes and make changes. When you’re wrong, admit it. It’s important for your kids to see you do this from time to time. It’s how they will learn to do it themselves.

Okay, that’s it. I hope this is helpful. At some point, I’d like to write more about a couple of topics, such as parenting a kid with disabilities and spiritual parenting. But let’s see how this goes. Any suggestions to supplement these points? Please post them in the comments. Blessings!

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