The Lost Nancy Scripts

The Lost Nancy Scripts

Nancy walks down the street blowing a large bubble when she happens to turn a corner and run into Sluggo. Suddenly, the bubble bursts and covers Sluggo’s head with a film of sticky gum.

“Dumb bitch!” he shouts, taking a blind swing at her. Nancy steps back, reaching into her back pocket for a pair of pliers she just happened to buy at the hardware store for her Aunt Fritzi. While Sluggo claws desperately at his face, Nancy steps forward and grabs his nose with the pliers and rips part of his nostril off. “Shit!” he screams. Blood and gum drip down his face.

“That will teach you to call me a dumb bitch!”

Utopia Achieved

One day, Sluggo is taking a walk with his wealthy friend, Rollo. “How does it feel to be so rich?” Sluggo asks.

“It’s kinda boring,” answers Rollo. “Even though I have everything like ponies, boats, bikes and a pool, it becomes a drag. I’m given everything so naturally I don’t get a kick out of anything.”

“Well hell, Rollo, try some of this.” Sluggo reaches into his hip pocket and withdraws a nickel bag of crack and a stem. He fills and lights it as he hands it to Rollo. “Go ahead, try it. This is better than all your material possessions.” Rollo takes a long drag and immediately coughs, his eyes bulging. “Jesus!” he sputters.

“Good buzz, eh Rollo?”

Sluggo forces another hit on Rollo whose face expands like a bullfrogs throat.

Suddenly, Rollo clutches his chest, coughs and falls to the ground, convulsing.

Sluggo steps over him in disgust.

“Rich kids sure are sissies!”

Responsibility

Sluggo rolled off Nancy after an afternoon of sex when they should have been in school. “Ah,” moaned Sluggo. “You’re hotter than hell with the blowers on. I’m sure glad you’re on the pill. I hate wearing those rubber things on my wee-wee.”

“Pill?” said Nancy. “Who said I’m on the pill? I don’t use anything, Sluggo.”

“What!?” Sluggo’s crew cut bristled with anger. “Are you stupid? Do you have ink for brains or what?”

Nancy started pulling on her panties. “I figured you’d be a coward if you ever had to be a dad. You’re not half the man Charlie Brown is. Why don’t you go fuck Lucy. Or better yet, Snoopy!”

“Maybe I will,” said Sluggo while zipping his pants. “At least he might let me do it doggie style!”

The Truth About Her Youth

Nancy had just turned seven when she began to wonder who her natural parents were and why she lived with Aunt Fritzi. One day, she mustered the courage to ask.

“Aunt Fritzi, why do I live with you instead of my real mother and whatever happened to my father?”

Aunt Fritzi was not surprised by the question and had been anticipating the day when Nancy would ask. She rose and turned off the television. Immediately Nancy knew she was in for a very serious discussion.

“Now that you are seven years old, Nancy, I think it is time you learned the truth about your parents. You see, when you were three, your father was killed by some very bad men to whom he owed a lot of money. In fact, they shot him in an alley and the doctors finally pulled sixty-six bullets out of him.”

“Gee,” said Nancy. “They must have been very angry with him. Then what happened?”

“Well,” said Aunt Fritzi, “the court took you away from your mother because she was unfit to raise you.”

“Why was that?” Nancy wanted to know.

“Well your mother worked in a big town in the middle of a desert called Las Vegas. Every night she would dance in front of strange men and take off all her clothes.”

“You mean they could see her tits and butt?”

“That’s right Nancy. You mother was kind of a dancing slut so they gave you to me to raise.”

“But why did they give me to you, Aunt Fritzi, where did you come from?”

Aunt Fritzi paused and took a long draw on her cigarette and blew smoke at the ceiling.

“Well, Nancy, I had a steady work record in Germany befire I came here”

“What did you do in Germany, Aunt Fritzi?”

“Oh I helped prisoners of war who were ill and starving. You see, there were so many of them that they had to be put to sleep “

“You mean like animal doctors who put horses to sleep when they break a leg?”

“That’s right Nancy, just like that.”

“Gee Aunt Fritzi, you’re really swell. Even though I miss my real mom and dad, I’m glad I ended up with you.”

“And I’m glad too, my sweet little wunderkind, that you’re with me. Now how about some of those cookies I promised you.”

The Later Years

After thirty-three years in the funny pages, the Cartoon Local Union 15843 declared that Nancy and Sluggo must retire. As a result, they were finally allowed to grow past the age of seven. Nancy and Sluggo began to drift apart in their teenage years, with Sluggo leaning toward petty juvenile delinquency and Nancy being steered into a prep school by her Aunt Fritzi.

Nancy worked in a flower shop after school and sometimes went downtown to get Sluggo out of the police station after he’d been caught hot wiring a car or pulled over with a couple of joints in his possession.

In later years, Nancy attended Vassar while Sluggo found work in a local mechanics shop. They had exchanged post cards through the years until their communication dwindled to nothing. Sluggo traveled cross country with his boss, Neal Cassady, in a bus and disappeared from the radar.

Nancy was about to graduate when her Aunt Fritzi sent her a clipping in the mail. Sluggo had passed out and died of exposure somewhere in Mexico. The coroner found a mix of intoxicating drugs in his system, “enough to keep King Kong high for a week.”

Nancy felt nothing at first and then succumbed to a feeling of vague sadness, remembering her childhood with Sluggo, of being held captive by the pen Ernie Bushmiller for all those years, never getting to see Slugho’s hair grow out of thst ugly crew cut and poor Aunt Fritzi never seemed to get laid. All for the amusement of a vast and fickle audience. Now it ended dumb and senseless like this. It made no sense. No sense to her at all.