City Library Stained Glass Struggle

NOTES: This post is made with 100% Authentic Intelligence, it’s also waaaay too long for most email, so just click the title to for a free trip to the rest of this fine article.

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You: “Yeah, we can see that. Where you been, fopdoodle?

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Well, I’ve been chasing that Ovaltine Window everyone’s talking about, but as soon as I’m about to taste that chocolatey goodness, someone shifts it!

I also have this super-power that keeps me eternally committed to finally getting around to eventually thinking about the prospect of posting something on my Substack.

Got it? ( ͡~ ͜ʖ ͡°)

No, for reels; not counting the last post about a song I wrote, it’s been too long, so I apologize for being late. I didn’t spend all that time procrasto-napping in my sloth-o-lounger, I did a thing. I actually did two big things!

First, I ran headlong into a project that took much, much longer than anticipated. Then I set up our new kiln, but just before this was ready to be posted, Kathie and I got the latest version, or some variation of the ‘Super-Nasty Boomer-Doomer Flu.’ As of this Friday, we are in our 336th hour of a 48 hour bug.

I’ve spent two weeks wishing the sun would just go ahead and super-nova and put me out of my misery.

☆*: .｡. o(≧▽≦)o .｡.:*☆

I hadn’t even had as much as the sniffles since 2019, then I get sideswiped just before publication time - leaving me about fourteen cents short of a nickel!

YOU ARE ALL MY MVP’S

To you really discerning readers out there - I’ve crossed another threshold, one that humans find so captivating; round and symmetrical numbers - 222.

Many thanks to all of you who have subscribed, I wish to extend my sincerest gratitude to every one of you ooper-dooper super cool paid subscribers, it means the world to me!

It’s a HUGE reflexion that I am providing you something of value in order to earn your support. You’re helping make this world a little less wasteful and a lot more aesthetically pleasing.

WE NOW RETURN YOU TO OUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED GIBBERISH!

The longest project!

Jeff Ellis is one of those civic-minded folks involved with the Rainier City Library. A recent restoration brought it back to its original 1913 condition. This architectural marvel was designed with a heavy Greco-Roman influence. The two story marble, steel and concrete bunker edifice has all the features of a typical antiseptic government monument of the day, including eight massive Ionic-style columns, 14 foot tall ceilings, enormous grid windows, and that oh-so-familiar smell of bureaucracy.

Jeff has two beautiful Pacific Northwest-themed stained-glass panels that he wanted to hang in two of the library’s grand windows. They were perfect due to the panoramic view of the Columbia River where wild salmon run, even though I’m told they actually swim.

However, because the five-foot-long panels were made by a beginner, they were not reinforced and any attempts to hang them “as-is” would have crumpled them like a wet cardboard box. The panels had to be framed. That’s when I was asked if I would be willing.. to..

HELLO! YOU RANG? ─=≡ ƪ(˘⌣˘)ʃ

Music to my ears, but when I got to see them in real life, I realized that I’m too much of a klutzophile to handle them! I could have cracked any one of the long, beautiful and irreplaceable glass pieces, and that would cost me dearly! Before I would take them home I asked that they be reinforced.

Enter; Lindsey of The Magic Corner. Lindsey is a leaded-glass expert. She took the job and resoldered several joints and added a metal frame that helped stiffen the panels.

Now that I had them in my shop, a huge problem - those solder joints stick up like speed bumps at a Formula 1 race! My easy job just became something only Clark Griswold could appreciate.

I ended up having to hand carve pockets for each of the raised areas to fit inside the frame. I couldn’t just “widen the dado” as that would make the already over-long piece flop around like a fish in a heron’s beak. But Lindsey’s work was essential.

I got fortunate and managed to latch onto this old, true one-inch thick, 14” wide by eight-foot-long plank of clear red oak. It could have come from a fruit tree it was such a peach. Try finding one today!

So now, I had to carve out the pockets by hand. This had to go carefully, one slip and there was no finding a match to this wood.

Next; bury five-inch long screws deep into each corner in order to keep it held together through the years of intense sunlight it will endure. I used a plug-cutter to make the plugs from the same wood that would then fit into the screw holes. After sanding and steel wool, they become nearly invisible.

After final polishing, I applied the pre-stain, stain, and a satin poly clear then heat-dried them for three days.

With the frames added they were nearly six foot wide, but after we put them in place, they almost look like miniature decals! That’s because the windows are larger than average. Much larger! Each window pane is roughly 20” tall, dwarfing the panels.

The panels look ridiculously small from street level, testament to the days when the US built things larger than their circumstances called for and meant to last for generations.

So, that’s the truth. Yes, it took me a month, but, as loyal readers know, I am frequently delayed by doctor visits too. This time was no different.

Nothing like a good ol’ doctor visit to put me in the mood for mockery, a reason to rant, and my favorite target for ridicule - those freakin’ doctor visits!

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So, it gave me time to ponder. Please enjoy the below thought experiment of mine.

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Are Doctors Just Body Mechanics?

In a bizarre turn of events, my doctor recently deviated from protocol and finally listened to what I was saying! But that’s not all, she then did something crazy - she decided to help me!

ヽ(⚈‿⚈ )ノ

My only hope is that Dr. Pilza Poppin hasn’t put her license in jeopardy for taking that bootstrapping initiative of rendering effective medical care!

Quick backstory;

In August this year, my body decided to gift me another major malfunction with a side benefit of serioucitous insomniacosis1 (Translation; I was unable to sleep). After months of tests, needles, and other punishments, I finally got the help I kept telling her I needed.

So, after all the hassle, and alll the pain, and allll the expense, the doctor agreed that I was right that she was right and changed a medication to one that works so I have a fighting chance of obtaining a melatonin snoregasm.

“So,” I wondered, “What would things be like if we switched doctors with another profession in a similar egosystem - the typical auto mechanic?”

Welp, if you ever spent any time in the US Hellscare treadmill or tried to get your car fixed, maybe you can relate?

I arrive at the gleaming thirty-story office building of “Klatchet, Klatchet, & Kunkle” in Greasebucket Falls, Detroit.

Me: Hi, I’m here to see Ubermenchanick Dr. Klatchet.

Receptionist: “Please have a seat, Dr. Klatchet is running a little late. He should be able to see you in about 45 minutes. While you wait, fill out and initial all ten pages of disclaimers, pseudo-privacy aggrievements, and our non-disclosure lawyerspeak covenant.

[Two hours later]

Dr. Klatchet: “Hi, sorry I’m late, I had to write a prescription to replace the air in a client’s spare tire. That’s some rarified air, har har, har. Anyway, what seems to be the problem?”

Me: “My car won’t stop running when I turn off the ignition, it just makes a nasty grinding noise when I turn the key.

Dr. Klatchet: “Interesting, is your car feeling depressed? We have pills for that.”

Me: “No, no, the car is happy, I mean, it’s friggin’ ecstatic! I’m reasonably sure the trouble is the ignition switch, it’s worn out from that time I was struck by a cement-mixer towing a steamroller in 1998. I think that led to some complications. I’m rather certain it just needs a new part.

Dr. Klatchet: “I see. So, are you a saying that you’re a qualified auto technician from Brokeknuckle University like me? See those framed papers on the wall? Now, even though you’re the original owner and all, maybe you just park it in that chill-chair over there and let me have a listen (revs engine)...

TSK, TSK. Mr. Wise, (shuffles papers) it say’s here you haven’t had your carburetor examined in over a decade! You know cars this old need to have that done every two years? I’ll set you up with a muffler shop.”

Me: “Excuse me? A muffler shop? How can they help with a carburetor?”

Dr. Klatchet: “Nowadays we take a long hose and ram it up your tailpipe to see if there are any carbon deposits. Before we do, however, you will need to run the gas tank completely empty for two days, then pour in this $70-per-gallon mixture so the car will shudder and then B-B-B-B-BBBBOOOOM and BLOW that $#!% into next week! HAHA! You should see it!”

Me: “Wait, Doctor, we’re getting off topic, I’m here because my car won’t shut off!”

Dr. Klatchet: “Alright, calm down, Mr. Wise, there is a procedure where I take this laser-guided sixteen-penny nail and pound it through your wiring, we may get lucky and it will shut the car off, but you will need to sign even more papers absolving me of any issues stemming from the procedure.

Me: Issues? Like, w-what... k-kind...

Dr. Klatchet: Oh, nothing much, just minor complications such as paralysis, engine failure, and seizures. It’s rare, trust me. However, there is a $350 copay before I can even touch it.”

LATER: Sixteen-penny nail fails to work. Twice.

Me: [one month later] “Dr. Klatchet, the car still won’t shut off, now it’s over heating and the engine is going to blow if something isn’t done!”

Dr. Klatchet: “Well, you’ve been a good little peasant, I mean, patient and... (shuffles papers) and... oh yes, your last payment cleared, funny, on the same day my beach house payment went through. Anyway, I just passed the required Smug Test and think I can help. (scribbles on small piece of paper) Look, here’s a prescription for an ignition part, but you must get it filled at an approved store.”

Me: “Thank you. I’m so glad I have you to protect me from just willy-nilly buying the part myself, that could be chaos, people would just start, you know, fixing things without approval! That kind of freedom could be dangerous!”

Dr. Klatchet: “I’m so glad you agree. Come back in two weeks, I should probably make sure you put the part in correctly, okay? No, no, no, Mr. Wise, a simple phone call will NOT do, I don’t get paid for those! By the way, my son just bought a BMW, what a coinkidink!”

Me: Get part for $89,768 but only $75 if I have specific insurance approval.

Go home. Install part. Shut off car after six months.

Ahh. Good times.

I built this table and shelf unit (incomplete here). I’ll have an update of how it works and show off what we made when next, I post!

See you again soon!

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